Day 540 on a military course.

I just wanted to write a quick little thing here. I am on day 540 of recovery. And I'm currently on a stressful 2 month long military course .
There are times that I don't notice the changes and the progress I've made in my life due to my recovery. But I just wanted to share the extreme changes I've been noticing about myself on this course!
The amount of confidence I have in myself Is incredible compared to what it was before. Before I would be dreading getting up each and every day. But now I'm excited and look forward to each day.
I see the bigger picture. And I see that it's only 2 months and this to shall pass. I'm excited that I'm learning so much. And I realize that challenges and failures are a positive way to learn and progress.
The amount of pride I had in myself after successfully passing a big assessment was crazy. I almost cried of the amount of pride I had in myself.

This.... Is nothing I've ever felt in my life. And it's because of the work I have done in my recovery.

I am so grateful if my life right now and the love and support I've had .

Thank you for reading !

 

I think the confidence has really come from my recovery. And realizing that I'm not a piece of shit. And that I am not helpless.
I understand now that I'm actually a really great person with alot of positive qualities. I understand that yes there are people that will not like me and my personality and that's ok. I don't need everyone to like me.
I realize that I am not perfect. I'm human. Humans are not perfect. So I can relax and realize that I don't need to try and be perfect. Since it's unnattainable anyways. In fact. Failure can be a positive thing.. it's the best way to learn lessons.
A typical day has been getting up for 530 breakfast at 6 . Kit and room inspections at 7am. Followed by classes and lectures and rifle lessons all day. Head for supper for 5pm then up until 12-2 am practicing for assessments and handing in assignments.

Before recovery if I were to do this course . I would be dreading getting up everyday . And shaking with anxiety and stress all day hoping not to get yelled at or fuck up. And I would constantly keep telling myself that I'm not good enough and I'm gonna fail .
Now I'm excited to get up. I see this as a challenge. And that I'm learning so much. And it's amazing to go through those assessments each day knowing I practiced and studied hard the night before.

 

I think I've been on nofap since 2015? But there were 3-4 years I was in my addiction.
It took my fiance finding out through my cell phone that I was having sex with an escort. And then I eventually told her everything. Since the next day I have not watched or looked at any pornographic video or images.
Ive been to treatment , I've joined SAA and have worked the 12 steps. I've been doing some inner child work. And I'm realizing all of the trauma I've been through as a child.
I've been on a path on how to handle stress better , and I'm learning to love myself. Which I think has been the most important .
There's more I wanna say , but I'm in a parking lot about to drive out. Hahah

 

One big reason I joined was to try and get some more discipline. When it came to sexual compulsions and drugs. I actually went through the military for help. And I couldn't of done it without them. Month long treatment program. And weekly physcologist appointments. For the first couple months it was twice a week. I know I'm very lucky to have had all that help..

 

I found that going to my SAA 12 step meetings once a week kept my recovery strong. I think without constant maintenance we will all fall back into old behaviors. I know for me , it is vital for me to stay in my SAA group for my life. If I want to stay away from my old unhealthy habits.. that may sounds like a bad thing. But I see it as a positive. I have made some really incredible , loving and supportive friends in my group. I can be 100 me and have no need to hide anything that's going on in my life ..... At all. The feeling of not having to feel ashamed or hide my thoughts feelings / struggles is amazing. And for me , it's important I stick around with people like that.