New and desperate

Yeah, that happens. Your body is confused because you’ve stopped using the drug that your body is use to. Your brain is going to try and get you to go back to pmo. Read as much as you can about porn addiction and betrayal trauma.

 

Hey Metalhead1, welcome to the forum. Sadly your story is all too familiar to me and a lot of others on the forum.

We've been led to believe our whole lives that 'everybody watches porn' when in reality that just isn't the case and it's often a significant source of issues in relationships. A lot of partners view porn use to be just the same as cheating as you are directing your sexual energy towards other people. I too never felt like I had enough energy to have sex but always could find time to PMO, when I could have used that time to cook, clean etc leaving plenty of opportunities to pursue my wife.

One thing that's really important in your recovery is that you are doing it for yourself and not just to appease your partner. Otherwise if you ever argue or sex is off the cards, you risk losing your conviction to quitting.

Congrats on making it to 3 days so far and I recommend involving your partner as much as possible in your recovery. In the grand scheme of things there's a long way to go and it can take months or longer for things like ED to improve. I recommend not rushing into sex and putting pressure on yourself to perform as that can just make things worse.

Consider doing a stint of hard mode (no O) as this is the best way to reset yourself. Most people recommend 90 days. My relationship was in a complete mess when I came clean and we managed 30 days before being all over each other and by that point there was noticeable improvement. I'm now over a year clean, my ED almost entirely gone and my sexual desire towards my wife is a lot higher.

Best of luck with your journey!

 

Some people get PIED with porn like you. The ones that stop fapping and watching at porn can take from 2 weeks to several months to have an erection with a real woman.
You only took 3 days away from it, that's nothing. You have a severe problem there that is going to take time to heal.
At least now you know what you have and what you need to do to heal.
Talk to your woman about it and that you are going to need time to heal, that is not her is you the one with the problem and pray that she didn't decide to leave.

No matter what happens with her, commit to nofap.. or you will be with ED the rest of your life and no woman is going to put up with it.

 

Whether you think you can commit to it or not, you are right.

Don't take her support for granted, my friend.

I would suggest convincing yourself that watching pornography is cheating. Make it a part of you, a burning truth, like we addicts think "every guy watches porn".

Also, let her know about PIED, the consequences, how long it takes to heal, etc. If you haven't read through the NoFap information pages and threads it will be good to do so (both of you).

I know you can do it! More power to you both!

 

To me, and to almost every gf/wife/so- pornography IS cheating. The only difference is it’s with thousands of women that you can access at every waking moment. There is no competition and we know it, at least if it were just another woman we know she has flaws and you wouldn’t have 100% access. Pornography use is every bit as damaging and crushing as if you’d had an affair. You’ve cheated. You may not think of it as cheating, but we do. Especially the lying and hiding.

 

You are absolutely right.

 

To some it's worse than cheating because it can be hidden and accessed anywhere anytime. Also, it's not a "real" woman they're competing again, it's a photoshopped actress pretending to be what the male mind thinks it wants and no woman could really keep up with.

 

Make a new habit.

Start dinner or go for a walk or something like that.

 

Sex is more mental then it is physical. If a guy feels under pressure or in my case felt like my wife didn't love me when she slapped me across the face then I couldn't maintain an erection. You might think about getting a dildo or vibrator to use on your girlfriend. It might take some of the pressure off to perform. Your goal should be to make her happy in bed. Find things to compliment her on. Ask her how her day went and bring a flower home once in a while if you can afford it.

Every person has at least one giant to try to battle. Drugs, drinking, greed, anger and for us, sex. A partner should be supportive in assisting their partner on the giant in their life. I'm glad your girlfriend appears supportive.

 

A big part of giving up this addiction is redoing your routine. Due to DeltaFosB accumulation, P addiction is cue reactive. If you're doing the same routine now that you've always done, it is going to be a lot harder to fight off.
What my husband and I did was we stopped allowing phones in the bathroom, then switched to phones that had no internet. Everytime urges came up, he went and exercised. If exercising was not an option, he did breathing exercises instead and worked on diverting his thoughts to a neutral stimuli.
There is a physical component that needs to be replaced as well as a mental one.
If you are using the computer for P, then it would be best to have your fiancée in charge of the password that is changed daily to eliminate access when she is not home and you are.
Posting in your journal is also helpful when urges come. There are also a lot of resources you can read about P addiction that can help you understand why it is harmful to the brain.
Read the journals of SO's to gain a better perspective of what your fiancée is experiencing every day. My husband had a very difficult time with being empathetic with me and didn't care much about the consequences that would follow. He had to learn empathy. He had to understand that the lying, withholding of information, gaslighting, and secrecy is what was tearing this marriage apart, not his addiction.
Find a therapist that specializes in P addiction.
Find an accountability partner.
Read the success stories on here and set some goals for yourself. My husband is part of The Lord of the Rings Challenge and some Dragon Ball thing I dont know much about.
You have to literally recode your own mind while simultaneously fighting your own brain.
Don't give up. It is tough to beat but not entirely impossible. Work on communication with your fiancée. Work on trust. Work on accountability.

 

I agree with everything @DefendMyHeart has said. Work with your fiancee to completely change your routines and habits. My wife was incredibly tough on me when I started, from confiscating my phone as soon as I got home from work to setting up our Internet on child safe mode. She also made me join nofap and become an active member - that means posting every day and engaging with others. You've been here for over a month but you've only posted 6 times!

At the end of the day, you have a choice to make. You either continue down this road and lose your fiancee or you stop. Which means more to you her or the P? If there's any hesitation in your answer to that question then in all honesty she should probably leave.

Knowing that my wife was on the verge of leaving was one of the things that took me to rock bottom and made me realise that things needed to change. You have to take it upon yourself to do this.

I seriously recommend that you do a stint of hard mode. From the sounds of it you need to reset yourself sexually before having any kind of sexual stimulation with your fiancee. It's going to be tough but I can say from experience that it's completely worth it.

Apologies if this has come across as harsh but I think a lot of us need some tough love at times.

 

What might be helpful is to realize that porn does not offer physical intimacy, a listening ear, companionship and or someone that cares for you. If you look at what porn can't offer it should make it easier to resist the temptation.

 

You know she is going to leave if you don't stop and yet you are making this choice. I guess you now know what you love more.

 

It's a choice - a hard one - possibly tied to a true addiction where you need outside help.

However, for her sake, if you're going to choose porn, it's better she know now than later after being married and having kids.

 

Hopefully your PIED and how much you're frustrating your fiancée will be enough motivation to get properly started with your recovery. Just remember that there's no wanting to do things at a time like this, you either do them or you don't. If you really throw yourself into the recovery process you can definitely make progress. I've made it over 450 days PMO free and no longer have any problems with ED.

In terms of where you are at right now I really recommend you do hard mode. If your PIED is that bad then there is no point in constantly trying and failing. Get your fiancée on board and avoid PMO (even with your fiancée) for at least 30 days, ideally longer. It's the best way to reset yourself sexually.

Are you planning to start a regular journal on here?

 

@JamesTheSquirrel when did you feel that PIED went away and how long have you been addicted to PMO?