Can trust ever exist again

This exact thing happened to me. Only my husband only slipped once out of town so pied did not come back. But, he didn’t stop going to group, He continued talking to his accountability partners, he continued his recovery program. But I knew something was off. So rather than confront him, I sat down one day and told him what his lying did to me. How, your brain and body knows but because there are no “ clues” or evidence, it makes you not trust yourself. How you want so badly to trust and believe, that you basically lie to yourself. Lies like “ you have trust issues, this is because of past experience”. I then told him, that once again I’m having nightmares. Can’t sleep. Stomach upset. That I literally have no proof that anything is wrong but my body is screaming “ something’s wrong”. He admitted to relapsing and because he was lying, he was now struggling. When I talked to my csat, she said when this happens you will never regain that trust again. The fracture to attachment is too much, and once they begin recovery but continue to lie, the result is never fully trusting them. Honestly, the best thing I got from his relapse, was the ability to finally trust myself. I will never trust him, but I trust me. Ironically, I think what he finally learned from this last relapse is you cannot recover while lying or hiding it. He was doing great up until that one lie. Then he struggled more and more in spite of group and counseling. They cannot recovery from this if they keep it a secret.

 

I love the unicorn! And I know exactly how that happened because I’ve done it! Lol.

 

Hi, I'm new here and learning. What is a csat? I'm a spouse and trying to understand what I can do to get help for myself and my guy. Thanks

 

Certified sexual addiction specialist. A great resource for you is Bloom for women. A lot of great information for free.

 

I don't know that the trust will ever be repaired to 100%.

 

Not here, never again.

 

Thank you for sharing that site, it's been v helpful. Looking for any all things to learn as this is an area that I feel very lost in. We are just starting couples therapy this week and he will start his own individual therapy next month.

 

The problem with this addiction (at least one that’s different than others) is that it is easy to hide it, unlike drugs or alcohol.

Addicts carry a huge amount of guilt and shame b/c they can’t stop themselves, they hurt their partners and they live a lie (that everything is okay). The hardest thing for an addict to do is tell the truth. Until your husband can always be 100% about his addiction, his behavior, relapses and their consequences, he can’t begin to gain your trust. He has to do this, and he needs to go back to his meetings, do recovery work and probably the therapist too.

it’s horrible that this hurts our partners, but as addicts we have to be 100% accountable for our actions.

But remember to take care of you. Betrayal trauma is real and can do a lot of hurt. You can support him, but he has to do the work. Do what you need to for your own well being.

 

Can you see a csat alone? In my opinion this would be far more helpful/beneficial to you than couples counseling at this point. Until the addict is in recovery and has been clean, couples counseling isn’t going to do much good.

 

I think that makes 100% sense.

 

This spoke to me so much - I feel I could have written it word for word. Thank you for posting it.

Also, OP I’m so sorry for this heartbreaking situation. There are so many similarities in our stories/feelings.

 

Thank you! I think most of us have similar stories. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change what I have gone through. It has made me strong. It has made me more empathetic. It has helped me protect my children! Very few moms understand how horrific pmo is. I talk openly with my kids and with other parents. I am who I am because of this experience and I really like me! I love my relationship with my kids and I believe I have that because I focused on them and myself when it was apparent my husband was not going to change. Now, 28 years later, I’m reaping huge benefits while my husband is looking back, eyes clear from addiction, and seeing the selfish child he was. He’s trying to play catch up/make up for years that he just wasn’t present for any of us.

 

He just started to try and 'quit pmo' over the past 2 months, but really the 2nd of the 2 months is when he is starting to take it more seriously. He started a support group on Nofap about 2 weeks ago, around the time we started to see a couples therapist. He made it to 17 day streak with no PMO on this last month, but had 3 relapses in the past 2 weeks after losing a friend to brain cancer, and his family member getting hospitalized with covid.
I don't know what qualifies as being clean or in recovery mode, but I'm trying to help him get to his first goal of 30 days with the overall gaol to keep going. This whole process is so v tiring.He lied to me about the slip on the P when he recently relapsed, but he told me that he M in the shower. We had to have some v difficult discussions about being honest in order for us to know what we are dealing with. He's my boyfriend who I live with and we were on our way to getting engaged, but now we are dealing with this. So much is up in the air. We stopped having sex 2 months ago and aren't sure when to bring that back. Any advice is always welcome. Thanks, all.

 

Abstinence and recovery are two different things.
You can have relapses and still be in recovery, and you can have long streaks and NOT be in recovery.

If he can be committed, consistent and honest, then it's good. But it has to be him wanting to do it, and no you pressuring him. Instead of doing a nofap group, may I suggest doing some SAA groups to see if he likes it or not?

As for sex, or any physical connection, there's no right answer, my wife and I had sex a couple times right at the start, then took about 6 weeks off as she didn't feel comfortable. We spent those weeks just working on talking and eventually holding hands, taking walks, etc.