35 and older accountability, Group 2

Well done! you are on the right track

 

Hello, are you MrWhite551? I would like to know if you changed your name to update the post zero ranking

 

More than 500 days and still ...

I am very grateful to God for having exceeded 500 days! It is an achievement that I never thought I would achieve.
However, and almost coinciding with the 500 days, I had some flashbacks of the fleeting pleasure that I felt in the PM sessions and I became a little more sensitive to the images of female bodies ... the alert level rose a little and by that is what I want to do this exercise, to remember what I came out of.

Negative effects of PM on my life

GUILT. Every time a PM “session” ended, an almost unconscious guilt invaded me, which I only surpassed by convincing myself that M was something normal in animal and human biology. But deep down inside I realized that it was something that dominated me, a vice.

LIE. It was necessary to hide my private sessions from everyone else… a gigantic effort to hide everything. And a horrible feeling, because I had something in my life that I could tell no one for being very embarrassing.

DEMOTIVATION. After each session and for a while, I did not want to do anything. I didn't have enough drive to get the job done or the initiative to start new projects. My inner strength was devastated.

LOW ESTEEM. It occurs naturally when you cannot exceed PM even by proposing it. You fool yourself by saying that it is not a problem, but unconsciously you know that it is. And then, when you realize that you can't, your self-esteem weakens. This ends in insecurity, lack of confidence in your own abilities, social isolation ...

RESENTMENT. I thought I was turning to PM because my sexual activity with my wife was insufficient and unsatisfactory. Without realizing it, I blamed her for not having more frequency in our intimate encounters, or for not being as "creative and spectacular" as those I saw in P. I was filled with anger and resentment with her, and many times I was sparing and tried to avoid her so as not to have to reveal the cause of my anger ... at most it said that I was tired.

DECONCENTRATION. In the moments when I was alone, my desire for PM was so intense that I couldn't think of anything else. My heart was racing, my breathing changed, my mind became dull ... just like an addict. Furthermore, when I knew that I was going to be alone, the same thing happened to me. My PM sessions could last for hours ... And after the PM session, I was so exhausted and my mind so overstimulated that I didn't have much strength left ... I had to try twice as hard to get half of it.
(I have to be careful because writing this, I feel again part of that desire for PM, that internal excitement)

DISSATISFACTION. Nothing could compete with PM, the emotion was so strong, the super stimulation of both P and M was so much that nothing else could reach the level of pleasure that I felt. So when I wasn't doing it, everything else just wasn't satisfying. I enjoyed intimate couple relationships, but they were shorter and with less stimulation. The other satisfactions of life (duty accomplished, family affection, helping others) were there, but not the intensity of PM. Therefore, most of the time I was dissatisfied.

As I always say, this is not entirely over. Still writing this, I relive some situations and it brings me an internal excitement, in such a way that a part of me wants to re-experiment with PM. I consider myself a recovering addict, so I must stay alert and aware of the harm it caused me.
I don't trust my strength, it has already failed me. I will take precautions. Faith in God has been decisive for this time of victory, I have to thank the Lord.
Well this is all for now. It was good for me to write it, and I hope that whoever reads it will help too.

Greetings!

 

I believe that being honest with ourselves and opening it up to people who can understand it is an important part of the recovery process. I'm glad it helped you. I appreciate your telling me because it encourages me to know this ... accountability groups are very good for this type of communication! Greetings!