A peak turns into a binge and ...

Personally this has worked better for me. Although I’ve had 2 stints of 50 odd days and loads of 1 monthers hard mode. Where I have seen improvements. I found that the build up would make the slightest thing stimulating and I felt if I was going to come off the wagon I was going to do like a maniac. With all the hyped up sexual energy I’d held back which I read becomes addictive in itself. This fitted in with the trans porn/escorts which were intense and a punishment for f¥<king up my stint. This led to more self loathing and depression and would turn into a binge. I might as well I’m on day 1 again and a failure. Oh look there’s a video telling me I’m a f#*k up while playing me clips of transwomen! It’s soul destroying all of that. Self compassion and working towards values/goals has really helped it all seem less appealing. I’ve had massive withdrawals at times but have managed to ride them out.

 

This has happened to me numerous times and it is frustratingly miserable the feeling after. Back at point 0. The last time it happened, last month, i was on a couple days streak i think and when i finally acted out again i binged hardcore. I started looking at escort pages and that eventually led me to look at ts escort pages and i actually went and seen one and it was one of if not the worst mistake in my entire life and im still regretting and feel the shame and humiliation at this moment typing this. I gotta long drawn out essay that basically depicts my whole “process “ with this i posted if anyone here would like to read. I hope it resonates with at least 1 person on here and helps them not go down this crazy downward spiral of guilt, shame, and inadequacy that comes with this filth. Your stronger than that urge to take a peak and fall right back in the pit. Just dont do it. You have control over your actions. You can control the rewiring in your brain. Dont let yourself down anymore. Im 19 and feel my life has been broken because of this, stop now before you actually act out a fantasy you seen in porn and regret it for the rest of your life, its just not worth it.

 

I think about redeeming myself a lot but i just dont feel like theres any real chance of me attaining that. I feel like its to late for me. I lack the qualities to progress idk. But redemption or not ima continue to try doing the best i can do everyday and try to make those mishaps not be such a blemish on my existence and own me. Its a work in progress