I dont think I can do this anymore

That’s weird, my csat said 70% of partners end up leaving. She said very few stay long term.

 

I imagine those numbers are far more accurate! I think Paula Hall says about 1/3 leave, 1/3 stay in a state of limbo and 1/3 stay but there are so many variables (children, marriage, length of relationship etc.)

 

It seems like many of us stay in the beginning, thinking it will get better, but then realize after years of trying that nothing really changes. It’s either hidden better or relapse after relapse. Then there are those who end up leaving without ever realizing porn was a huge problem in the relationship ( be it the so or the addict).

 

I think my wife is in limbo right now. We were talking about anti-depressants the other day and she said that she doesn’t think they’d be beneficial to her because she knows the source of her depression is me. She’s comfortable in the knowledge that if she leaves me then, in time, she’ll be able to recover. My wife is trying really hard to find a way forward and I’m thankful to her for that.

 

It’s shocking to understand the toll it takes on your spouse. Especially the lying and gas lighting. I hope she can find a way forward that includes you. Keep clean and honest, that’s the best chance you’ve got of fixing your relationship.

 

When I went to an therapist, he also said to me this is normal. He was probably addicted to PMO, I don't know. Once I was ill I changed my doctor(not therapist) and I told him my addiction with PMO. And he took it serious. It was such a relief.

He needs someone who takes it serious, or he will be confused and does not know what is right or wrong. And PMO is definitely wrong.

 

It is his responsibility to change himself not yours. If he does not love himself he will only suck your energy away. And if you do not work on yourself, you won't be able to love yourself and need the confirmation that you are lovely from others.

In my case after my break up. I did change and I am still in the process, and sometime I feel lonely and I wish for someone to hug me. ANd my friends are there to help me to hug me or to cuddle me. That helps a lot, but it is my responsibility to keep going.

It is like training for a marathon. I am running and training, and it takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I forget to drink water, and then some friends see it and gave me water, so I can continue my training my change. They can not run for me or train for me. If you need to carry a hunting dog to his prey it is a useless dog.

He is responsible for his change. Not you. You can only support. Like the little glas of water in my example.

 

We got this buddy. Let us keep going. I have the same attidude.

 

I realized there is a age gap in how so many feel about porn esp with older people and how they feel about it. I also relized until my husband realized no sex, no marriage he then got real about it. I flipped because I was not staying in a marriage where we only had sex once or once every couple of months. I was not staying in a marriage where I felt like a masturbation substitute, He hhad a blank look when I said they were 365 days in a year and I was not only going to have sex 6 to 12 times a year. It all started when I wanted more from my sexual experiences 3 years ago or maybe 4. Then it all was a house of cards that the wind blew down and over 20 years of secrets and lies.

 

I read now all comments and I think: I is not that easy so I will put my thougths:

You did your best to support her husband. And that is a good strength for you, supporting people who suffer.
To stay in this matter balanced is not easy, but you can learn it. We should help other people and it has also its boundaries and we should take
Responsibility for ourself. The same rules does apply to those whom we are helping. They should also help and take responsibility for their own.

It is not your fault when he failes. You did a lot. It is his responsibility to change himself and if he failes. It has something to do with him, not with you.

And also to see that every human has his worth even with his or your own mistake, is also a development I did not fully reached yet.

And yes, no faithful person deserves such treatment.

Whatever you do, do not let yourself get pushed into a corner what to do, to leave him or to stay with him. It is up to you and your conscience, also the consequences are up to you.

Keep going, and develop yourself further, you will find the right answer.

 

What I learned is, sex is for bonding. And not to use the partner as a mastrurbation substitute.

Thank you for sharing your comment. That gives me hope that my wife also want to bond often.

 

Your welcome and talk to her about it and what she likes, not like and what she wants in your intimacy, emotionally and physically. there is also a quiz you can take, not sure the name of it right now to find out your love languages.

 

35% Quality time, 32% physical touch, 16% acts of service, 13% words of affirmation, 3% recieving gifts.

 

I’m glad that your husband read these posts and brought up these issues with his therapist. It sounds like he recognises that his current therapist is more of a hindrance than a help and that’s encouraging to hear. My advice would be to search for therapists in your area specifically trained in behavioural addictions, ideally porn/sex addiction.

I would also add that I find this forum very beneficial to my recovery and I would invite your husband to join as well! Please let him know I’m happy to chat if he ever wants to.

 

That’s really good

 

There are some therapists out there who are frankly complete clowns, but there are many good ones too. Do your research, my advice would be for your husband to get some kind of consultation with a therapist before his first session to make sure he can help him in the areas that he needs help in specifically, sex addiction, porn addiction etc. It’s easier than ever to get good therapy these days as most are using zoom, so there is way more choice for good therapists now.

 

@DefendMyHeart ! I’m so happy your hub saw though this damaging therapist and is open to find the right one. My husband guessed that his 1st (damaging) counselor may have looked at P himself since it was ridiculous the way he justified P. I could never understand how easily any therapist could write off something that was so devastating towards marriage/health/mental health like it was nothing.