Am I a Sissy?? (Actually a good story with happy ending, trust me, read the whole thing)

Let me tell you about my story about being a sissy, AGP, femdom, and everything related. I may also come back and edit or add to this, so if it seems to change don't be confused.


Looking back on my life, there are definitely times when I have favored traditionally "feminine" behavior, mannerisms, and appearances. I remember when I was 12, the first time I ever looked at "porn" was by looking up "boobs" and "butts" on Google safe search, and just marveling at the bodies and outfits. I didn't know what masturbation was, so I just looked and took in the dopamine high. I saw the women wearing thong underwear, and just instinctively bundled my boxers into a thong-like shape, pulled it between my ass cheeks, and sat there looking at the pictures. I also remember playing games with female friends where I had to put a dress on over my clothes, or walk some distance in high heels; it was never malicious or degrading, but it was something I still did, and I didn’t feel any shame or discomfort. I always made friends with girls, I cried a lot and was very sensitive, and I've always had a very young and soft face.


Fast forward through high school to my emasculating freshman year. I accidentally got a buzzcut and looked like an idiot, so my confidence was low from day 1. Even worse, when all my friends and I tried out for the football team, I was the only one to get cut, along with 5 other terribly un-athletic and weird guys out of 70 totally players. It was humiliating, and made me isolate myself from my friends, popular kids on the team, and girls at my school.


Around this time, I first stumbled into chastity porn on iFunny of all places, as well as started to masturbate, at age 14. This led me to tumblr, which led me to those dreaded fap roulettes; endless scenarios and situations to PMO to, often new ones every night. I didn't know it, but this was the start of my sissy porn addiction. For all of high school, I was PMOing every night to roulettes, flash games, subreddits, hypno, you name it.


At first I just thought it was some crazy weird stuff, but weirdly felt called to it. Locking away my penis, being seen as a female, being fucked as a female, was just so alluring. It started out as a fantasy, but the more I PMOed and the more my life went on, the more it started to seem real.


So many things happened that made me think I was actually this "sissy" thing I had stumbled upon. The girl I asked to homecoming said no, even though she wasn't going with anyone else. I got cut from 3 different sports, all high intensity, all full of the most athletic and masculine guys, and all humiliating. I had not had sex with a girl (or even kissed one until senior prom), while all my friends were fucking their girlfriends or other girls at my school. I felt like a total effeminate loser, and that this sissy stuff was really how I was supposed to live my life. Being a feminine sex toy was the most arousing thing I could think of, and it was all I ever thought I could be.


In reality, shit could not be more different. I got cut from football my freshman year, but made the team sophomore year; I wasn't very good or very big, but damn was I in good shape. I had abs, arms, legs, could run fast and long, and was one of the best pound for pound lifters on the whole football team. I was smart as fuck, and many guys and girls relied on me to get the grades they got in school. I didn't know it, but 2 girls had both tried to make moves to fuck me and I kinda just didn't notice (Porn Brain 101). In a class senior year on sexuality, we had all the boys line up in front of class and get ranked on perceived masculinity by the girls (looking back this was a terrible activity for everyone's esteem), and I got ranked MOST MASCULINE in a class with 2 D1 athletes, 2 guys with beards, most of the guys being taller than me, etc. Fact of the matter is, the way I saw myself was not how others saw me; the way I saw myself and the world was all just being programmed in by porn, and I didn't know it.


College is where things started to spiral out of control. With no parent supervision and the ability to stay in my room all day, I was watching porn 3-4 hours a day everyday my freshman year. A lot of it was edging porn, one of the worst types for PIED, but we'll come back to that another time. My porn use started to get compulsive, and it started interfering with my academics and social life. I had no idea how much it was messing up my brain.


My life exploded the spring of my freshman year, when I was 19. For the first time, a girl wanted to have sex with me. I was so wired to porn and numb to real women she had to directly tell me "I wanna go back to your dorm and fuck". Long story short, I could not get erect at all. We were both friends and really really drunk, so we both shrugged it off as whiskey dick. But she wanted it bad. The next week, she told me to come over on a Friday night. She cleaned her room up, lit some candles, wore her nice underwear, and invited me over. When the time came, I could not get hard in any way. She cried a little because she thought I wasn't attracted to her. I cried a lot when I got home. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I have sex?


It's because I'm a sissy. I fucking knew it. All those captions, all those roulettes, all those stories, they weren't just fantasies. They were real. They were my lot in life. My destiny. I literally couldn't get hard to do my duty as a man, so why try and be one at all? My impotent penis deserved to be locked up. My fat ass deserved to be fucked. My feminine form deserved to be dressed and presented as a sex toy. I was a sissy.


That summer I decked out in sissy gear. Chastity cage. Butt plugs. Dildos. Panties and Thongs. Dresses and outfits. I had it all. I used that stuff so much during that summer. I was sometimes PMOing 8 hours a day. It was taking over my life. However, doing these sissy things didn't feel like PMOing to it. It made me feel humiliated, degraded, and shameful. But that's what you're supposed to feel, aren't you? Any guy dressing up and fucking himself in the ass should feel humiliated, cos that's you're fucking place. All these sissy feelings began to internalize even more, to the point where I thought I was bi, gay, and even trans. I seriously looked into hormones and surgery, and thought about the changes it would have on my life. I was going to go all in.


By some chance, I came across NoFap on some trans subreddit while I was thinking of some permanent lifestyle changes. I checked it out, and eventually stumbled onto YBOP. These are the articles that influenced me the most.


Start here for an overview of key concepts

I’m straight, but attracted to transgender or gay porn (or gay attracted to straight porn). What’s up?

Is my fetish porn-induced?

Are my sexual problems (ED, DE, low libido) related to my porn use?


Even though all these sites and guys said I could fix all my problems and be normal, I really didn't believe them. I was made to be a sissy. My whole life showed it. I liked to be humiliated. I liked to be violated. I liked to be seen as an effeminate, worthless being. I decided to give it a shot, but with no expectations. If this reboot thing didn't work, I'd live out my life as a sissy, and probably live as a trans woman.


I embarked on my journey of a 3 month, hard mode reboot. Literally in the first three weeks off porn I went on a date with a girl I met, hung out a few times, and then we became exclusive. This really opened up my eyes to what real relationships were like, and allowed me to release a lot of my sexual tension from the reboot.


After my reboot, I started rewiring with sex. At first, having sex and cumming just felt like a bodily process that was satisfying, but kinda gross and mechanical, like sneezing, yawning, or pooping. I also wasn't very hard. However, for about 1.5 months, my dick kept getting harder everytime I had sex, until it was so hard that it almost hurt and would definitely feel sore after. With extra hardness came extra sensitivity, which made the sex feel absolutely fantastic, leading me to only last 3-8 minutes every time. However, with the next 2 months, I grew more in tuned with my body and dick, gaining control over my arousal and orgasms. I could last anywhere between 3 and 20 minutes, and could have sex multiple times a day with my girlfriend. I was living my best life.


One day on my computer, I accidentally hit a search suggestion for some sissy website I had not deleted from my history. At this point, without exaggeration, I had not had a single thought about anything related to sissy porn, AGP, or anything related for 7 months. I kid you not, imagine never getting an urge, thought, or passing memory of this whole idea for seven whole months.


I remembered all the porn I watched, how late I stayed up, and how much it interfered with my life. I thought of all the things I said to people online. I imagined all the things I wore and put inside my ass. I thought of all the humiliating, degrading, and misogynistic things I had thought about myself.


And I literally just laughed it off. "Lol, that was stupid, can't believe I did that."


All the thoughts that I was a “sissy”…Gone. All longing to be a woman or female…Gone. All desire to be humiliated, subjugated, and violated…Gone. Every part of me that wanted to engage more in sissy porn, AGP stuff, femdom fantasies, and anything except a real person…Gone.


In this moment of clarity, I knew who I was and what I wanted, and what porn had told me who I was and what I wanted. I have never changed my mind since.




NOW, I am not saying I'm fully cured. Porn addiction, especially sP, AGP stuff and femdom, gets you at your low points, and in the past year since I've broken up with my girlfriend, I've had a few. Being socially and romantically isolated because of Covid has also been really bad, since my main tools for fighting sP were having a stable romantic/sexual life, hanging out with friends a lot, and minimizing time in my room on my computer. I've had plenty of slips ups, especially recently.


HOWEVER, I am now very confident in my identity (who I am, what type of person I am, and how I present myself) and my sexuality (who/what I'm attracted to). I can say for a fact I am a straight, masculine male. All that stuff about being degraded/humiliated/embarrassed and being feminine/female is all just stuff programmed into me by porn when my self esteem was low. It's not who I am.


There are certain things about sP and AGP that may be true to my sexuality. I like wearing sexy clothes, and I have some small, tight, bright underwear I like to wear before sex. It's definitely male underwear, but it isn't conventional. Anal stimulation and sensitivity is another one, as well as some BDSM elements. I have 2 reservations though before I go diving into these seemingly underlying desires.


1. My mind is obviously not clear of porn. I suspect once the pandemic is over, if I have steady improvement, I should be fully healed in about 2-3.5 years. At that time, I'll start experimenting with this other stuff. Until then, I'm going to focus on normal relationships, normal sex, and staying off porn. For like 2 yearsI thought I was literally this gender called a “sissy”, and now I know that’s bullshit, so these might be bullshit too.


2. Instead of investigating these desires by my horny-old self, I will investigate them with a partner. Having someone else just hear your ideas makes them more real, and easier to see if it's a stupid idea. Additionally, having a partner that loves you, wants the best for you, and wants you to live a fulfilled life is important when you're engaging in activities that involve risk, fantasy, and compromising situations. Having a loving partner prevents the pitfalls of internalized humiliation, subjugation, and self worth.


You can take control of your desires and your life, and be free to live however you want to. Don’t be ashamed of what you’ve done or what you like, but don’t let that hold you back from living your life to the fullest in every aspect.


If you’re confused about your gender/sexuality, compulsively using porn, or just need a friend, plz hmu with any questions you got


The best place to start off is YBOP. I linked some articles, but I’ll put some more down here.

Porn FAQs

rebooting basics page

Articles

Do I have to have sex in order to rewire?

Will stopping porn solve my problems?


UPDATE as of October 2021. It's been a while since I posted this and a bunch has happened, so I wanted to provide an update to let people know how my long term recovery is going.

Shortly after this I broke up with my girlfriend and relapsed pretty bad. I spent about $300 total on lingerie, other feminine clothing, a chastity cage, a buttplug, and a very realistic dildo. Binged with all of this stuff for like 5 hours a night for about 2 weeks. It was really bad, wasted a lot of time and slipped back into the mindset of years before.

I came to my senses, got all of my fetish gear, got some scissors, and literally cut all the shit up. You could kinda tell the lingerie was previously some lacy clothes, but the sex toys were completely unrecognizable, absolutely shredded those fuckers. I also destroyed the chastity cage with a hammer. It felt really good.

I started another 90 day reboot, my second ever. It was wayyyy easier than the first. Like much easier. Breezed through it. This time I didn't have my girlfriend were emotional support and to get some of my sexual energy out with, but I still found it much easier. I still think having a gf during your first reboot is the best move, this one was just easier because I had already done it before. The point to take is that rebooting gets easier each time after a relapse (as long as the relapses are not gaining in frequency and intensity).

After my reboot I downloaded Tinder and Bumble for the first time. I mentioned previously I was a virgin before my first reboot, and only had sex with my gf. I decided to just get on there, put myself out there, and see what happens. I actually really liked Tinder and other "swipe" based dating/hookup apps. Tinder is more of a numbers game for guys trying to be "successful", so I swiped right on every girl without even looking, and whenever I matched, I would try to send some cheesy or funny conversation starter based on what I could see on their profile. I honestly think I had more fun just making up the pickup lines, I was just amusing myself. I barely got any replies, but it was great just being myself, saying whatever I wanted, and developing my own sense of humor and sociality. Since I was being my weird self, I the girls that responded actually liked me for myself, since that's what I was putting out there, and I made some really good connections.

I probably only actually met up with maybe 1/80-100 girls I messaged, which seems like terrible odds, but as long as you maximize your chances and aren't an asshole irl, these add up quick. For about 4 months I was messaging girls and starting to seem some in person. Some I went on really fun dates with, some just came over to have sex. It was a great experience to just sleep around with different girls, have some pillowtalk, and then just say goodbye for the night. I learned a lot about myself, other people, and relationships. I practiced just getting good at sex, learned how to be comfortable with myself and others, and how to be a good partner. It was a huge confidence boost for me, someone who used to stick dildos in my butt and wear lingerie, to sleep with 1 girl each weekend out of 10 girls I was talking to for like 3 months straight. I wasn't desperate or needy, I just put myself out there, saw the demand, and cashed in. One of the myths of the sissy fantasy is that there are guys who are having sex with all the women and the guys who "deserve" to be sissies. I can prove this is false because I'm both apparently! This time in my life really opened my eyes and firmly helped me understand how BS all the sissy stuff is. If I can choose the woman I want to sleep with some weekend, every other guy in the thralls of sissy shit can as well. Some other things I gained:

• realizing that everyone is into weird different things, I feel way less bad about being into sissy stuff after hearing about some things the girls and some of their past partners did
• I was sleeping with plenty of girls, but they were also sleeping with a bunch of other dudes, this initially made me really jealous and envious, but I realized I was being hypocritical, and developed a much more positive idea of myself and others in sexual situations, now I am much less jealous and easy-going, able to set boundaries better, and way less of a petty partner with my current girlfriend
• a girl once called me king after making her cum by eating her out (it was the first time I ever made a girl cum), still sticks with me today, probably my favorite compliment of all time
• speaking of being good at sex, sleeping around and being with girls of different body types and preferences is a great way to just get good at sex, it's a really good way to increase your relationship capital for monogamous relationships (since women are becoming more financially and socially independent, and the idea that women should enjoy sex is much more commonplace nowadays), being able to make your girl nut all the time is just as valuable now as having a good job, owning a house, being a social dynamo, etc., some girls gawk at the amount of partners I've had and think it's kinda high, but they don't care once I make them cum all the time
• once you sleep around with a bunch of girls, if you come into positively, appreciate their time and company, you develop respect for them and yourself. I slept around because I liked the experiences, not because I thought of the girls as trophies or accomplishments. When you stop thinking of sex as a prize and more as an experience, you develop a much more positive outlook an your own sex life and activities

After my "hoe phase", I had another startling realization: I was getting a little tired of this life! Sleeping with different beautiful women every week was super fun, but after a while I just didn't want to do it anymore. Was just getting tired, no issue in that. Unfortunately, Covid season began, and my search for love was messed up. I was really lonely romantically and sexually, being locked up with my family all day, and I started to dip in and our between porn abuse and really thirsty behavior. One week I was watching porn 5 hours a day, another I was driving an hour to maybe have sex with a girl. It was a bad time for me, as for many of us. A lot of my coping strategies for dealing with porn use and urges involved me spending as little time as possible in my room/house, and lots of time spent with friends and romantic/sexual partners. This was obviously not an option for many parts of Covid times. I went into a risk reduction strategy, where I was MOing instead of watching porn; I didn't think I would be healing during this time, so just MOed frequently.

In the winter of 2020 I started dating this very nice young lady. She is lowkey Instagram hot, is very smart, works as a scientist, and I'm just totally vibing with her. We have a lot of sex, the sex is really nice, and I see myself with her for a while. Will update on myself in case things get any further.

I wanted to do this update to show two main points:

1. If you were really addicted to sissy porn, you can still live a life of fulfillment, happiness, and that sexual/romantic debauchery you've been programmed to think isn't for you
2. Recovery is not linear, as I have had many slipups, but my overall improvement trends positive over time

You can cut this terrible shit and live the life you want to. If I can do it, you surely can too.

 

For sure man hmu

 

I do think there are a lot of problems with the sensationalization of LGBTQIA individuals, and that mass and social media plays a part in that. However, I feel like growing up in a liberal area of the country with people who are LGBTQIA really helped me realize that the feelings I had were programmed by porn and not really true to my identity.

Those that have the hardest times overcoming sP, AGP, and related desires are often from more conservative and isolated backgrounds. There are problems with the way some aspects of sex and gender dysphoria are portrayed, but I think its more a lack of understanding of what it means to be trans that leads to these issues.

 

I still have the desire to, but it's definitely from a sP context and not something I feel comfortable bringing up with partners, so I'm fairly confident it's porn induced. I'm not gonna pursue that desire for at least 2-3 years

 

I had severe PIED, could not have sex, and orgasm was obviously out of the question. I did a 90 day hardmode reboot. After that, I could have pleasurable sex, but it wasn't great per say, and I couldn't control if I lasted 3 minutes or 20. After 1.5 months of sex 2-3 times a week, the sex was very pleasurable, but I could only last below 10 minutes, averaging around 5-6. After another 1.5 months, I was in full control of my arousal and sexual activities. I could last however long I wanted while feeling pleasurable the whole way through, my penis was so hard it sometimes felt like popping, and I could focus on all my partners needs without fear of losing my erection. In total, it took me three months of a hard mode reboot to be able to have sex, and another 3 months to gain prime sexual function.

I do still get sissy thoughts, and I've had a few slipups in the past few months because of my quarantine situation, but I know these thoughts are just induced by porn and not really who I am. I have never wanted to do anything sissy related with a partner, and all my sexual interactions are fulfilling and wholesome. I'm not totally healed, but I know who I am and what porn tells me I am. I don't worry about those thoughts because I know they don't represent me, and they will go away in time.