I'm going insane

My anxiety is through the fucking roof, the smallest things give me panic attacks. Like right now, I'm just laying down and my anxiety won't go away. I also feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I have no motivation to do anything. I hate this so much, why can't I just be fucking normal. I'm 20 for God sake and I can't even go to the store without having a panic attack, what the hell is wrong with me.

 

It could be porn induced withdrawal syndrome... Did you had any binges lately? Been edging to porn a lot? This could cause the panic attacks, low motivation and agoraphobia.

 

Yeah I honestly think it's a mixture of withdrawal and underlying mental problems that I never addressed and instead escaped with porn and drugs. I've been seeing a psychologist for a few months now and although it does help being able to rant to someone, I feel like she doesn't understand what I go through on a day to day basis and how could she? I wish I had someone more experienced. I've told her this so maybe we'll be able to work something out. At least I'm being totally honest with myself and others now. Even though I've had to endure shame and rejection, it's better than rejecting who I am everyday.

To be honest I am the type of guy that would always go on binges, days, nights, sometimes even weeks of near constant porn, sexting, looking for new partners online etc. and even when I first started up NoFap I still had a lot of triggers in my life that I was not honest to myself about and I was still entangled in all those sexting relationships and eventually I started doing random drugs to distract myself, smoking etc. basically whatever I could do to get that dopamine fix outside of PMO. I think this made my withdrawal so much worse but I'll just have to suffer through it right now. It's the only way. I'm praying to God, I'm facing off against myself everyday. Before this streak I was on a 45-ish streak and dropped acid, ended up relapsing to a porn subreddit and having the worst trip of my life. After that I immediately got back on the grind though and this current streak I've been doing everything right, apart from watching Youtube and Netflix a lot but that's just to get through this initial hell.

The first 10 days were easy and then it got progressively worse. First I was still able to go outside and do things but my anxiety got so bad I am now barely able to function. I feel like I'm slowly starting to come out of it though, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I'm so grateful for all of you and for this forum. It has really helped me a lot.