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My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blondewife, Mar 23, 2015.

Page 15 of 21
  1. Jul 14, 2015 #281
    Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

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    There just aren't words for how awesome you are baby. No words.

    I love you, honey :)
     
    Haggis, Jul 14, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 14, 2015
    #281
    Limeaid and Blondewife like this.
  2. Jul 14, 2015 #282
    The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    GET A ROOM!
     
    The Eleven, Jul 14, 2015
    The Eleven, Jul 14, 2015
    #282
    Limeaid, Blondewife and Haggis like this.
  3. Jul 14, 2015 #283
    Blondewife

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    Haggis is almost asleep but a little restless while drifting off. He had a really hard day at work and didn't sleep too well last night so I hope he gets a good night sleep tonight because he has a lot to do at work tomorrow (I presume). We had a very good night and I think he is stress free for the night. We have some things to get done in the back yard before his family come next weekend but I believe I can lay mulch while he is at work. That would be a nice surprise for him when he got home. Let's see if I actually get up in time to do that since I've been getting up late recently ;)
     
    Blondewife, Jul 14, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 14, 2015
    #283
  4. Jul 15, 2015 #284
    Blondewife

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    Today has been good so far. I didn't have time to get the backyard done like I wanted to but we can tackle that together when we get home tonight. It will go much faster with 2 people.

    I didn't sleep all that well last night and had some very strange dreams. One of them was about roaches (ew) and then I'm assuming one was about Haggis because I woke up this morning convinced that he had relapsed. Clearly this is not the case. ;) In the past if I would have woken up after a dream like that, it would have ruined my whole day. Not the case today! I'm feeling very strong.

    I hope to finish painting all the details on Haggis' Nintendo table tonight and then get the polyurethane coat on it tomorrow. We have a couple finishing touches to do on the house before his family comes this weekend but it looks like we are nearing the end with the big stuff. The rest is just decorating and fun things.

    Haggis seems to be doing much better today which makes me very happy!
     
    Blondewife, Jul 15, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 15, 2015
    #284
    Haggis and Gamerwife85 like this.
  5. Jul 16, 2015 #285
    Blondewife

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    Last night was good. I made dinner, Haggis had some work from home to do and I worked some more on the Nintendo table. I thought we were having a great night. We got in bed and started fooling around (I'll save you the details) and he got all self conscious and it ended. It wasn't the ED that bothered me the most, it was his attitude afterward. It was like his world was ending. He had nothing to say to me and just sulked for about 45 minutes. I felt bad for him because it has been almost 6 months since he started this journey, he thought it would be over by now. I had to remind him that P is poison. He has been poisoning himself for over 2 decades and he cannot expect all the poison to have rid his body yet. I hope I handled it well. I really want to be here for him. I do still worry when this happens. I know he tells me he is clean but I heard that so many times before (Even when I brought up PIED in the past- denial). I guess I just know what it is like to have an addiction and what you will do to hide it. Pills and bulimia are not that different from P addiction. You will lie, cheat and steal to keep that addiction going. I believe he has changed in my heart, it's my mind that is trying to fool me.

    I got to work today and his press had just broken so he wasn't very happy. I am trying not to get bent out of shape because of how he is acting the past couple days. I think his dopamine is still out of whack.

    I am still in this for the long haul and he knows that.

    I didn't plan anything for dinner, I think we will just pick something up. I spent the morning cleaning up and finishing the Nintendo table.

    I may have more in a minute because I had a lot to say but my brain just went blank ;)
     
    Blondewife, Jul 16, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 16, 2015
    #285
    Gamerwife85 likes this.
  6. Jul 16, 2015 #286
    DanVT

    DanVT Fapstronaut

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    I can understand the frustration of PIED, or just ED. Its like your body is not doing what you wanted. Its like trying to hold a glass and watching it as it falls cause you couldn't "keep it up" this one time you were counting on doing it, and knowing that you can do it so easily any other time when it doesn't really matter.

    IDK, maybe I am spouting non-sense, but I know the feeling. Had it happen to me a few times as well. The trick, I think, is to not be discouraged and try something else. Not to go into details, but there are lots of things you can do in bed without a hard penis. ;)
     
    DanVT, Jul 16, 2015
    DanVT, Jul 16, 2015
    #286
  7. Jul 16, 2015 #287
    Gamerwife85

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    I have to remind myself that P is poison as well. I always enjoy reading your journal, @Blondewife ....it helps give me perspective as well as patience and inspiration/motivation to keep on keepin' on. We haven't run into PIED yet post-PMO-abstinence but if we do I hope I handle it with as much grace and love as you did. :)
     
    Gamerwife85, Jul 16, 2015
    Gamerwife85, Jul 16, 2015
    #287
    Blondewife likes this.
  8. Jul 16, 2015 #288
    Blondewife

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    Dan,

    That's the thing, I'm all for doing "other stuff"- his penis wasn't even in the equation last night (for me anyways). Problem is, when he notices he is having "trouble" his mood changes and he no longer seems into it. I have kind of a radar with what's going on in his mind. He didn't even have his clothes off so I wouldn't know if he was experiencing ED for sure, until he got very quiet and just didn't seem into it.
     
    Blondewife, Jul 16, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 16, 2015
    #288
  9. Jul 16, 2015 #289
    The Eleven

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    That's how it is, though. We expect (often unrealistically) our bodies to react a certain way to a certain situation, and when that doesn't happen we get focused on the fact that it isn't happening, which of course is the perfect recipe to ensure that it doesn't happen at all. And then it just feeds back on itself.

    The trick -- and it is really a trick, especially for those of us who have been grappling with this problem for a long time -- is not to expect anything at all. To remain in the moment and not worry about what should be happening or what might happen next, but instead what is actually happening right then. To trust that our bodies will react as they should, and also to trust that everything will be OK if our bodies don't react as we would like.

    That's so easy to write, and so fucking hard to do.
     
    The Eleven, Jul 16, 2015
    The Eleven, Jul 16, 2015
    #289
    DanVT likes this.
  10. Jul 16, 2015 #290
    Haggis

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    Well said, Eleven. I tried to do that last night. I realized that I was freaking out and attempted to put my attention back to my lovely wife. I could tell from little cues she was giving me, though, that she could tell something was wrong and that was even harder to get out of my head than the ED. It spiraled down into itself and she eventually called a halt to it.

    @Blondewife baby, thank you for sticking this out with me. I know it sucks now, but it'll get better :)
     
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    #290
    Gamerwife85 likes this.
  11. Jul 16, 2015 #291
    The Eleven

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    Been there, done that, my friend. Many times.

    Even now that we know what we need to do to break the feedback loop, we can't always do it. Sometimes we just get too far gone to come back.

    The most important thing now is to leave this episode behind and move forward. I know, I know....it's like me telling you not to think of the color red, which makes you think of the color red. But you have to trust your body to do the best it can, and trust your wife to love you no matter what. Given all I've seen, I don't think the latter is an issue for you, so all you have to do (!) is the former....
     
    The Eleven, Jul 16, 2015
    The Eleven, Jul 16, 2015
    #291
    Blondewife likes this.
  12. Jul 16, 2015 #292
    Blondewife

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    I will ALWAYS love Haggis. Even when he was in the midst of PMO, I loved him with all of my heart. I just wish he would realize that my love for him is not based on what his dick can or cannot do. Hear that @Haggis ?

    We have so many good things going for us right now- please don't let this one thing that happened last night get you down. I can tell you are still miserable and I would do anything to take that away but all I can do is stand by you and offer support. Which most of the time, doesn't seem enough.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 16, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 16, 2015
    #292
    Limeaid likes this.
  13. Jul 16, 2015 #293
    Haggis

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    Haha, bingo. My wife did the Bewitched nose twinkle to cure my funk and I think its slowly dissipating. Careful where you point that schnoz babe ;)
     
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    #293
    Jason Bradford Smaha 2 and Blondewife like this.
  14. Jul 16, 2015 #294
    The Eleven

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    Oh, it is. We just rarely realize that it is.
     
    The Eleven, Jul 16, 2015
    The Eleven, Jul 16, 2015
    #294
    Blondewife likes this.
  15. Jul 16, 2015 #295
    Haggis

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    Oh it absolutely helps...big time. Even if my face is still a bit frowny/stern, it helps babe.
     
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    #295
    Blondewife likes this.
  16. Jul 16, 2015 #296
    Haggis

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    Here't the Nintendo table she's been painting! :)
     

    Attached Files:

    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    #296
    DanVT likes this.
  17. Jul 16, 2015 #297
    Haggis

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    And we did two matching bedside tables as well.
     

    Attached Files:

    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    #297
  18. Jul 16, 2015 #298
    Haggis

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    All made out of pallets :)
     

    Attached Files:

    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    Haggis, Jul 16, 2015
    #298
  19. Jul 16, 2015 #299
    Gamerwife85

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    WOW, all three of those look awesome! Nicely done...you can never have too much nerd cred! :D
     
    Gamerwife85, Jul 16, 2015
    Gamerwife85, Jul 16, 2015
    #299
    Blondewife likes this.
  20. Jul 17, 2015 #300
    Blondewife

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    We were up far too late last night and I think we are both feeling it today ;)

    We had a nice night with some pizza and a very short session of sex. I knew he was just into his head too much and that the ED wouldn't be permanent. I had a plan to get home and seduce him- it worked. He felt much better after seeing that his "manhood" worked and also after the release.

    We have plans to go to bed early tonight and get up early in the morning to finish the yard and deep clean the house in preparation for company on Sunday. Sunday will also be 6 months PMO free!!!!

    No complaints here today!
     
    Blondewife, Jul 17, 2015
    Blondewife, Jul 17, 2015
    #300
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