Lingerie/Boudoir in a Relationship... good or bad

Case by case IMO.

I can share my story though.

About 2-3 months after discovery-day my wife asked if sexts from her were OK. I didn't know the answer and admitted that while I'd love them (and have in the past, although all were deleted after being sent to avoid kids from accidentally finding them), I needed to check with some people to get their opinions because I didn't want to go down a slippery slope.

After talking with fellow SAA members and my therapist, I came to the conclusion that it was ok, but a solid middle circle activity and something to be aware of. Right now masturbation is an inner circle activity, so it would also be a tempting activity that would be risky. So, as of now, 6+ months in, my wife has not taken/sent any provocative images. We don't have any hanging around either because we never would anyway.

Now, part of me is saying this has been a good choice. Focus on in-person stuff and not salivating over a screen with an image on it - even if it is my wife. The other part of me thinks my wife is very sexy and would love anything that helps initiate "marital relations". In time this dynamic may change, masturbation may one day not be an inner circle behavior and my wife may be more inclined and I may feel more trust in myself, etc.

 

Personally, I'd see nothing wrong with it as long as it's something you want to do (not something he's pressuring you to do) and it's not something that will lead either of you down a bad mental path.

It is not something we've dealt with really as my wife isn't really a lingerie person and lingerie, while something I saw while viewing porn, was not a top topic or fetish or anything.

On a non addict level - anything that gets you and him into an intimate mood that both of you want and are comfortable with seems like a good idea.

 

I think everything from your SO is ok. It's real, that's what we are looking for.

 

I shot a boudoir set with my SO once several years ago and around that point in time we had recorded several videos of us having sex. I had possession of these for quite a while which wasn't too much of an issue until I developed a compulsion of hoarding the pictures and videos to masturbate to whenever I felt like it. It wasn't until my SO became fully aware of my PMO addiction that she began to have a problem with that media I had retained.

At the time she wasn't aware of how obsessed I had become with them, and had simply asked me to get rid of them. Of course I didn't because they had become so coveted and my decision was to stash them despite telling my SO I had gotten rid of them. Then she discovered that I still had them. She was doubly offended that I still had those vids and pics and also that I had lied to her about it.

This instance sparked a bit more severe reaction from her and made it obvious that she really had a problem with me having those pics. This occured countless times over the next few years, and every time she would express her desperation of wanting them to be gone once and for all. Having body-image issues to begin with she had developed a severe aversion to the media. Every instance of discovery led her to further self loathing all the while I continued to stash them even creating backups of them in case they were somehow destroyed or deleted.

Needless to say this occured again and again until she was certain it was only a matter of time before she would find them again despite how every time this happened I assured her they had been deleted. At this point it became a matter of breaking up the.relationship which had been the imminent case up until just recently when I had finally disposed of them.

Just wanted to put it out there that such a seemingly innocent gesture can eventually lead to a serious matter that can become a threat to the very survival of a relationship. At least that's what happened in my experience. Wish you the best...