Betrayal Trauma PTSD BOYFRIEND SECRET PORN ADDICTION

** TRIGGER WARNING **
I just signed up five minutes ago. I don't know if I'm allowed to post stuff here or not. I didn't read over all the rules or even go looking for them. I'll just assume if this is inappropriate someone will just delete it. I need to get my story out there.

FEMALE WITH A
PORN ADDICTED BOYFRIEND ​

We were dating and he asked me to fix his computer. It was loaded with virus. Not your every day virus but the kind people pick up from porn sites. He blamed it on someone else and assured me it wasn't him. I believed him and I had no walls of protection. Now we live together and during those 4 years he destroyed 2 more devises because of porn. I've had a cell phone since they came out and I have never seen a virus on my phone.

But I take his word that it's someone else and not him. One summer afternoon about 3 months ago I hear sexual moaning coming from his room. I stood frozen for a minute debated if I should just ignore it or go see what he was watching. After about 2 minutes I got up because it hadn't stopped. I walk down the hall way and punch the wall so he would hear me coming and hide whatever he was doing. See I'm cool like that. Only thing it he didn't hear the very loud punch I did to the wall. Although it was right next to his bedroom door. His door was wide open and I stood there looking at him laying on his bed watch a porn video. He was facing right at me. All he had to do was move his eyes a little and he would of seen me standing right in the middle of his door way. I stood there right out in the open watching him watch porn on his phone for about 3 minutes. I was studying his facial expressions. Identifying everyone he made. My feet were glued to the floor. I could move them. My lips were glued shut. I couldn't speak. I was literally Frozen unable to move. Only thing that was moving inside my body with my heart it was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to fly right out of my chest. Finally I was able to move and I dodged right for him reaching for his phone which he then finally saw me and put his phone out of reach where I couldn't grab it. Every lie a man can tell was flying out of his mouth. I could feel the chemicals being released from my brain flowing through my veins through my entire body even down to my toes I felt it as it traveled throughout my entire body. Overwhelming amount of fear came flooding through me. At that very moment I knew my life as I new it was over. From that moment on my life will never be the same. Because if how well he told his lies I had zero defense inside. Me. I had no natural protections at my disposal. I was side swiped with no armor at all. I was In shock. I couldn't even talk. I just ran outside. It felt like I had just walked in on him having sex with a real live person and I was forced to watch it.
I am 48 years old and I have never experienced such fear like that in my life. The pain was more than I could bear. I stayed in shock for a full month unable to process what I had just witnessed. I believed him when he said he didn't watch p*** I believed him when he told me he didn't like that stuff. And then to walk in on him in the act it destroyed me. And that day on until now 3 months later I don't think I've got one day I haven't cried. I can't be with him now I cannot be with him now after what he did. I suffer from what they call betrayal trauma with PTSD and it's a real thing. My favorite thing in the world is going to my work my own business I own my own store I love selling and talking to customers I can make really good money doing that. But ever since that happened and that's when he told me he mostly watched it was when I was at work I can't even get out of my car to go inside. I cry for three hours in the morning before I even go into the store. I hide from the customers not wanting to face them thinking they'll be able to see right through me and know that something's wrong. What used to be the happiest place to go to now is my worst trigger. I drive home and I see the spot where I had the flat tire and he had to come out and help me I smile for a second and then I realized no that was at the time he was cheating on me that isn't a good time and I start to cry. Looking back over all the intimacy that we had and whatever memories I have I'm trying to pick apart each and every one of them trying to figure out when or if it was me he was making love to verses when he was just horny from what the women in p*** gave him and he was just using my body to release all the sexual energy they put in him not coming from me. That has changed me forever. I will never be the same person I once was. Im not sure if im going to reach a day where the pain is no more and I can breathe comfortably without having a 500 pound boulder sitting on my cheat. Sleep doesn't help me excape the pain. I feel it there too with the same nightmare over and over again. I sleep with tissue because most likely I will wake up crying in my sleep. 24-7 billions of thoughts flood my brain. He's lost and doesn't know how to help me. So he's stays angry at me. In our house his shame trumps my pain. He's abandon me a second time. Leaving me completely alone suffering in hiding. I cry for hours in the bathroom. My crying makes him angry. So I have to hide it. I just need to know he loves me and that I am beautiful. Out of our 4 years together was there just one time he made love to me just because of me or has it always been the arousal they put in him and used my body to finish the job as he fantasizing about them their perfect bodies. I went from feeling like the safest woman in the world to now the most worthless unattractive women. For me and I don't care what any woman says. My self worth is in my sex appeal. Why do you think women spend so much money on clothes and make up. Getting nails and hair done. Own every pair of shoes? Why is that guys. Why do you think women do that. We do it so you will look at us and think that woman there that's all I need.
I'm aging and my looks are fading as it is. When he knew I didn't know and I was In the next room he had a choice. Come lust over me and be with me or ditch me go to his room and lust over porn. When he knew I didn't know there was an option to guess which one he picked every time? I'll help you out. It wasn't me. Now that I know he's trying to say he hasn't watched it for 3 months. He's choosing me. Oh boy you have gone 3 months without cheating on me. For one he's lying and 2 it's to late. What he does now means nothing to me. It was back then when it mattered. Getting caught verses coming to me is what decided his fate. I'm leaving him. I will be moving out soon.
He keeps saying he never beat off. Ok well the only other option is use me to do it. He can't even get a hard on at all with me. I bet he can for porn.
When it really mattered he chose porn. He gets to live with that choice now.
Gain control men. You are destroying the human race as we know it. Do you really need to watch strangers having sex? Go make your own sex. That is not normal. You are destroying lives every video you clicked.
Thanks