35 and Older Accountability Group

Eating more than usual but that just motivates me to workout more than usual. Keeping active is motivation to not give in so to build energy to fuel workout power. Lol.

I put myself through alot this past month, giving in several times and almost today as well. I have to regain mental balance first, then i can work on balancing everything else.

First things first: one day at a time.

Goals are daily prayer and read my Bible morning and evening, after that i believe the rest falls into place. Exercise daily and proper eating habits.

Looking forward to Lent and fasting. As for today i am not too strict with my food consumption. That's ok.

 

Checking in. Trying to string some days together.

 

Checking in...still feeling resilient and keeping away from touching myself in any way!

 

It happens...don't beat yourself up too much. Just keep trying

 

Checking in. Feeling really good this week.

 

Welcome to all the new folks!

it’s been a crazy week so far, and I keep looking for a release through pleasure. I am working on lots of breathing and I’m getting pleasure from completed tasks. Did you know that if you work from home and take short breaks to do chores, you can clean the entire house, do 3 loads of laundry and make a huge dent in your work, while having no time to browse the internet?

 

Avoiding near occassions of sin, this includes pinterest as well as any potentially erotic media.

Urges have passed and i am met with the realization that the urges themselves originate within my own mind not only of my mind but from what i allow to enter my mind.

Reminding myself how amazing it feels to be clean and what it will be like as time passes and the weather gets nicer and i am out walking and feeling amazing!

That's what i have to look forward to! That, and the present moment and staying clean a moment at a time.

Make use of the present, it is a gift!

 

Day Six. lots to look forward to this weekend as I travel to see some friends. I do need to be aware that I will be in a hotel room alone, though, so putting my intention out into this space that I will not allow that to be an excuse for relapse. Bringing my guitar and book; TV and computer stay off.

 

Day 7 - Some thoughts...on one hand, I feel like I've accomplished a lot in recognizing my addiction and gaining a 4-month streak. On the other hand, most recently I reset without much internal strife and not sure I'm ok with that as it seems to indicate a softening of my resolve.

This morning I heard someone say "I'm better than I was, but not as good as I want to be". It made me think about staying totally clean and how that should be my forever and ongoing goal.

My marital issues, like many of us here, are challenging and present. That is no excuse for not pursuing the goal of a totally PMO-free life. I will meditate on the belief that staying clean will actually promote improvement in my marriage.

And, while I have learned to manage my addiction over the last 8 months to a point where it is no longer occupying hours per day every day, I must now fully devote myself to complete abstinence from PMO. My intent is for that to be a cornerstone of my life and how I wish to grow as a human being for this next stage of my life.

 

This is something I learned the hard way, over a period of years. When I look back, nearly EVERY blow-out fight with my ex wife happened around a week after I'd either begun or managed to stop using P. Even though she knew about my issues, I was rarely strong enough to say "I'm struggling in this moment"; only ever able to say "I was struggling but I'm better now." So, as I was using I'd get more withdrawn, more reserved, less able to engage in general banter or connect in a meaningful way. And because nothing external was noticeable, she'd invariably think it was something wrong with her--If I'm withdrawing, she must have done something. But of course she couldn't figure that out, and if she asked me how I was, I would only be able to say 'fine', or 'just a little depressed', so it would start making her feel crazy, which would lead to a big blowup. I've never felt so much guilt as the times I allowed her to think it was her, not me, that was the problem, and in later years I was thankfully at least able to retrospectively say, no, it's me. There were many issues that led to us separating, but I know that my (mostly invisible) struggles with PMO created lasting damage. The most confounding thing about it was that she was fully accepting, understanding, and supportive. I didn't have to hide anything from her. The times I went to her directly after a fall and said, babe, I fell on my face and I'm sorry and I feel horrible, she met me with open arms and grace. Yet this addiction is so persistently fueled by isolation and shame that being able to do that was akin to climbing Everest--doable, but damn near impossible when you're unhealthy.

 

Wow - this is an incredibly personal admission of your marriage challenges. Thanks for sharing as it touches a nerve in my world right now and is helpful. You've got great self-awareness which will serve you well as you grow through your fatherhood years. Stay strong.

 

Be my guest

 

Yes self-control and self-direction are the key for balancing life, its not always 100% attainable (no one is perfect), yet being close enough, is enough

 

So i made it 6 days last time. Urges are stronger 2 days in than 6 days last time. Did not expect that.Came across saved porn in my phone i didnt know was there. While i could see the girl i didnt play the vids and i did delete. Im not even calling this a peek as it was accidental and i didnt hit play. I fought the urge to take a peek on my old normal sites. Just going to keep saying no to porn and no to peeking. Just so used to doing it that it seems odd not to be doing it. Looking forward to it no longer feeling odd to not be doing pmo

 

I had a nice experience a few minutes before, i was watching porn for the last two and a half hours trying to find that perfect video but everything after a while was feeling so boring and like a waste of time.I was smoking weed trying to boost the experience but after one or two minutes of getting evolved i was loosing it.It was feeling like i didn't want to be there doing that.
And then i just said fuck it!I stood up closing all the tabs feeling really bored to keep wasting my time with porn.I went to take a shower and i returned here to write this post.

So i am very sceptical to talk about this, yet i have tell how i believe i got here.I was looking for tools to help me with my addiction which was getting worst so i went to the weird side of youtube and i found some audio's with subliminal messages that could posibly help the listener.There where lot's of them so i've read the comments, i've listened to them and i found out that two of them somehow are making me feel better.The comment section was very promising as well.So after a few months and the 6th of june of this year i brough the extra version of the one of the videos which is supposed to be stronger with better and faster effects.I was already feeling some positive changes deep inside me the last months and i wanted to enhance those feelings.So after i brough it i think i skipped only one day from listening to these files and i am already feeling some changes.I am taking a lot of time during the day to SERIOUSLY think about stoping that shit.I may relapsing but my relapses are not enjoyable.There are sometimes i even feel disgusted with the side of myself doing it and after quiting like that today i feel very happy (yeah i know weed helps a LOT on that and confident.
I will reset my counter to yesterday's relapse because i feel like this one today was a small win and i will continue listening to those files everyday, i don't feel any negative effect or somehting , in fact i can feel my mind more clear during the day.It's like they are washing that fog which comes from porn and i feel that everyday becoming stronger.
I am not posting any links here because i don't want you guys to see that as an advertisement, i am not in any way related to the creators.Just wanted to share my experience and i want to be crystal clear with that.
Most of all i right it to myself so i can start noticing what is happening and clear my thoughts.

 

As some added thoughts to the previous one , i don't know maybe all this, is a placebo because i was needed something to hung on but since it's helping me i have nothing to loose.I can't afford wasting more years and thats something i am thinking a lot lately.I am 39 and i spent the last four-five years watching porn and making my life worst.

 

yeah man - don't waste any more years like I did. I wish I would have started this process when I was your age.

 

No temptation. That's good.

It's when there is a non-stop onslaught and i allow myself to get caught in the loop chasing my thinking and imagining what it will be like. When that hits me it's already over. Not getting to that point is the key to success, or at least one of the keys needed for success.