90 days P and M free after 9 years of trying to quit!!

Age : 33
Years of trying to quit : 9

After so many years of trying to beat this demon i managed to achieve
the 90 day milestone.

I started with P on TV when i was 12 and it really became
a problem when i got internet in my room at 15.
My addiction was severe. First i started edging to porn for an hour or 2.
By 23 i was watching and edging to P for even 12 hours at one point..
I didn't watch porn every day...it was mostly 2 or 3 times per week, but
edging for hours and hours changed my brain in the worst possible way!!

Over the years I became depressed, socially anxious , stressed and i was
diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. 9 years ago i found YRBOP and
decided to quit. I WOULD never expect that it would be so difficult to leave
P and P fantasy behind and the severity of withdrawal caught me by surprise
when i first tried to quit.

Since then ( 9 years ago) i've been in this circle of trying to recover ,relapse and
withdrawal. I've managed to stay away, anywhere from a week to a maximum
of 55 days.

How do i feel now?

Honestly i think it will take much much longer than 90 days to recover.
I have lots of ups and downs... days that i feel like shit , insecure , super anxious,
low mood etc and days or times of a day that i feel confident, raging libido and energetic.

Some days i feel the brain fog is leaving me completely for 4 or 5 hours and i feel
this amazing mental clarity, my brain is quiet , i'm super calm and very confident.(that happens once or twice per week for a few hours and its very strong)

I have morning wood maybe once every 10 days or so. My libido is not amazing
at the moment, but some rare days i feel it's very strong .

I still have flashbacks and images in my head every now and then,but it feels a bit
easier to resist now.. 90 days ago i would just surrender in 2 minutes time and go
online...

I have sex with my girlfriend (we got in a relationship 6 months ago) about 4-5 times per week, which i'm trying to reduce
to 2-3 times or lower. Sex is getting a bit better and there is a lot of ups and downs.

One of the problems i experience recently is specific P flashbacks flooding my head when i have sex and get me out of the moment...This mostly happens when i'm not
hard enough and it feels like my brain is trying to find the next best thing to get
aroused.

What i'm doing to survive the flatlines and withdrawal :
- Running every other day
- Calisthenics 4 days per week
- Cold showers every day
- Meditation at least 20min every day
- Keeping a journal
- Praying

Thank you everyone for the support !!

 

Thank you very much for your support and know that this is possible. I was hopeless at many points!! I relapsed
more that a 100 times probably until now. Never give up!!! Porn is so catastrophic in so many different ways to a man's
mind and soul!! I'm still recovering from it and it will take a long time to build a new self, but every little win like 7 days is a positive step to the right direction.

 

Thank you everyone
I'm still struggling with withdrawals (low motivation ,increased anxiety etc) and the last 4-5 days i had some urges in the form of Porn flashbacks, but it's much easier to dismiss them than 3 months ago!

 

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me and is a reminder of how far i have come when i'm feeliing low!
It's a long process! As someone said before ''you can't go 10 miles deep into the dark forest and walk back in 5''!!