35 and Older Accountability Group

Checking in. Been a solid, if tough week, but the sun is out and I got a great ride in this morning. Looking forward to the weekend!

 

I also love the 80s... the style, the music, the good old times without internet and mobile phones. You'd just buy magazines and copy tape cassettes to put into your Walkman! I think that's one of the reasons I loved Stranger Things so much, it gave me so many cool memories!
And of course the video games were great... Commodore 64 with a box of disks... Load,8,1 haha -nuff said

 

Another day.

 

Somehow my current streak feels different from the others.. like I feel more committed to it. Maybe too early to say something but I feel stronger this time around. Just need to stick to my daily journaling and keeping my guard up on my emotions and triggers. This forum definitely helps me a lot.

@Jerky I agree 100% with your signature "It will never be as good as i imagine it will be"

 

Think it's time I do a proper check-in on here.

I'm ashamed to say I navigated away from this forum the past few weeks. I told myself I needed more direct, more focused connection - and while I'm still seeking out those types of groups/meetings, I don't want to abandon this community.

A couple different resets several weeks back developed into a full-blown, week-long relapse that was fueled by some really overwhelming life stuff. In the course of 10 days I was in a car accident, had a super stressful work experience, and then came a milestone birthday that didn't feel real significant.

These things can't be excuses, but I have to recognize the circumstances surrounding the failures. My worst decision was to not keep my wife in the loop, withholding my relapse from her and deepening the distrust.

Right, now, I'm back on a track. But it sure does feel like a fragile one. I'm not confident in my plan or my convictions. I can't seem to answer the basic questions about principles and values and morals and the like. Finding additional means of support in this journey is a precarious notion of finding reliable and trustworthy and like-minded guys that I can form some bond with.

And while my wife and I can find the place to discuss my addiction and my recovery efforts in a rational and productive way, it's not the only problem we face. It's clear actions on my part in another regard can bring any progress between us to a screeching halt and put us in a place of super disconnection.

And that's where I am, now. But, I've got a week clean, and have no plans not to add another week to that.

 

@bama_lost Glad to hear you are back on track. Life stuff often happens in unexpected ways. It's okay that you don't have all the answers to your problems at the moment. You'll figure it out on the way. The important thing is that you have to trust the process and go all-in with your plans to recover from your addictions. You'll find more clarity and confidence in your actions. I think it's good to write down where you want to be in 2, 5 or 10 years from now and what your main values will be. Then just focus your attention and decisions on these values.

 

That. That's what I need to do. Thanks.

 

Sunday check in. Big personal changes happening this week so I’ll be on extra guard.

 

Morning all, checking in. I've had difficult dreams 3 nights in a row now. They're becoming more intense each time - it's almost as if the addiction is replaying its greatest hits in a hope to tempt me into a relapse.

Still, it's a new month. Let's see how we go!

 

What porn blockers do you use and are they free?

 

Sad to say I've failed again...I felt the sexual energy rising a lot these last few days then my friend sent a sexy photo of herself with a new tattoo which set me off and yesterday I binged on porn and PMO'd twice. Was a difficult day but I'm hoping that by setting a new 30 day challenge on here I can get back into the right mindset and free myself of the thoughts and urges once again.

 

Wanttosucceed: I use Freedom, which costs a bit. I also made some alterations to my OS that make it way harder to look at porn--that stuff is more technical, and I wouldn't recommend it to everybody, but it works okay for me...except when it doesn't (see below.)

I had reset today. I was on a four day streak (not much compared to some other guys here, but pretty good for me,) but I've been feeling very strong urges since last night and I messed up this morning right after my wife left for work. She's up very early for her commute, and I always wake up with her so we can spend a few minutes together, but those hours after she leaves and before my kids wake up are horrible for me. It's loneliness, but it's taken me a long time to admit it. If anybody has any ideas about how to handle this kind of situation, I'd be glad to hear them.

Still, I'm committed to this process, and I'm ready to try again.

 

I edited my /etc/hosts file with a little personal letter to myself in case I want to relapse I have to read it.
I also setup porn blocker on my AVM router and added a blacklist there of sites I don't want to be able to visit.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

 

I just want to take a moment and discuss the porn blocker idea. For some they may work well, but for me they ultimately ended up creating a very strange dynamic that often ended up being my downfall. I'm not knocking the idea--I think they're super important, but I also want to detail my experience in case others are caught in the cycle I was. Let me 'splain.

For years and years I've used various forms of blockers--freedom, editing host files, family safe DNS, accountability filters, etc. And all of them would work for a while--I've consistently had really solid stretches of 3-6mos for years. But what I realized was that it had the psychological effect of externalizing my commitment. There would always be a small, silent part of my brain that was working out how to get around this or that filter, and whenever a loophole materialized--bam. Done. There was literally no stopping myself once I realized a way around the block. It was like I subconsciously had a deal with my addiction--if you can find a way around the filter, you get to feast until I find a new way to block you. It became an escalation battle. As each filter fell, I had to get more creative in blocking myself. At one point I even had my wife take away my administration privileges on my own computer. What I've realized that meant was that I never fully took ownership of my addiction or truly allowed myself to hate it as I need to--instead I created an environment where I was always longing for P, knowing it was bad for me but desperate to have it. Porn blockers made porn the forbidden fruit. I hated myself for it, because I truly felt out of control, and that the only way I could have peace was if I could somehow fully block every possible avenue to porn. I just couldn't trust myself otherwise.

Then probably the best thing that could ever have happened, happened: I found a way around any and every blocker. My addiction had finally done it, located the skeleton key, all doors unlocked and there was nothing the rational part of me could do to lock porn access away. I've never had to look so clearly at myself or my addiction than when that happened, and it was fucking terrifying. Obviously, I relapsed and binged, but then there was no 'next filter' to install to make me sane again. I realized it truly was up to me, not any piece of technology. I had to completely own it, 100%, and ask myself straight up, is this what you want to be? Are you going to be a gollum for the rest of your goddamn life?

Since then I've had unfettered access to pornography--no blockers, no accountability software, nothing. That was 115 days ago. I've used once in that time (hence the counter). But in that time I've also not gone fishing or used psubs, because why bother? Porn's right there, one keystroke away. The danger is real, yes, but so is the choice--I can no longer hide behind oh good thing I have a blocker in place otherwise I would have relapsed. Now, I have to confront it every day, and I can honestly say that in 20 years of battling this addiction, this is the first period of sobriety where I actually feel sober. When an urge hits, nothing is denying me access to it. It's right there, and my brain doesn't have to waste half a day pretending it's fucking Ethan Hunt figuring out how to break into the P-Vault. Which, paradoxically, has made dealing with the urges far, far easier. I don't relapse because I don't want to relapse, not because I'm not able to relapse. The change in that outlook is making all the difference.

I've spent years thinking this exact situation would destroy me, utterly terrified of the day all my filters failed, but instead I feel the most free from porn that I've ever felt.

Now, statements like this have a way of making the writer eat their hat awful quickly, and I'm not so confident that I believe I'll never relapse again or have to say those difficult words on this forum--after all, I did relapse once since then. But, this is so life-shatteringly different an experience than any period of sobriety I've had before that I firmly believe that--for me--porn blockers are the wrong approach. They create a false sense of security that allows the addiction to fester and grow, like a bitter, caged tiger who's sick of eating frozen meat and dreams of the day the zookeeper forgets to latch the door behind him.

For me, the tiger is out there, wild, feral and murderous.

**Edit. Ironically enough, I do still have time-blockers on Facebook, instagram and youtube. But that's about not wasting time, rather than keeping me safe from fishing. I have no intention of applying the above logic to those sites!

 

These are great insights, guys. Blockers (like Freedom) have made me more productive in my work, but they can only slow me down when it comes to porn. Part of what's happening when I reset is that I start probing the defenses, looking for weaknesses, and I get a thrill from breaking through.

I think I'll ease up on the porn blocking, just enough so I'm not getting the adrenaline kick from evading it. I still need protection from impulsive decisions, but I'll make it so it's not some big triumph ("I found a way around!")

 

Interesting post and a good insight. I’ve popped in and out here for 4 years since finding this great helpful site. When I go Gollum as you aptly name it I tend to completely forget about nofap it’s like it’s temporarily erased from my brain until months later when I finally recognize I’ve fallen back into the pit of despair. (Another movie reference) “I e got to own it” is another apt quote from your post. I see the positive effects very quickly when I quit I need to own my recovery and put the work in.

 

I tried limiting it too but then I'd travel for work and found access itself to he triggering.

Lots of very successful people use them.

 

Yeah, the ole peek, edge, fool myself trap always snares me eventually, usually pretty quickly. I’ve deleted all my social apps Instagram, FB too much screen time sucks me into the vortex. I’ll keep FB chat as I communicate with people there and I’ll try to pop in here daily as I need the support