I'm 16 and porn turned me into a gay exhibitionist

As hilarious or stupid the title may sound, I'm dead serious. This post is going to include some p*orn themed words, so I advice those who might find said words triggering to not read the following text. It's also going to be pretty long, I think.

I've always been attracted to girls, feeling anxious around them and felt comfortable around guys. I had an "active" sexual life since I was around 6 year old, which is when I first started having sexual pulsions. During this age I also first viewed porn images, which, as I barely remeber, weirded me out but aroused me at the same time. After 6 y/o i didn't have much sexual interests aside from some occasional b***rs. I first watched a porn video when I was about 10/11 and masturbated for the first time when I was 11/12. I started off with stuff on youtube being afraid of going on "those" sites, then I switched to nudes and eventually I started porn regularly at around 12/13. First it was "vanilla" porn, then that vanilla included some body preferences for the girl, then I started liking videoes where the girl is taller than the guy for some unbeknown reason, then humiliation, then rimming, then pegging, then femboys/traps, and finally straight up gay porn/imagery. This all happened in the course of around 3 years, and now I ended up developping a exhibition fetish. Basically I'll be aroused at the idea of other guys seeing my intimate parts. Something I would've never thought to get into but that I eventually did. I think this fetish I developped might be linked to something that happened a year ago, an event that deeply shoked me since it truly showed me how easily my sexual urges manipulate me into doing things I'd never want to do. Basically I was unsure about the way I looked, so I posted a picture of myself on reddit asking people to rate me. They said kind things but one of these people in particular pm'd me saying encouraging stuff, things "she" was just saying to manipulate me. I was pretty excited to the idea of talking to what I naively imagined being a real girl since I had (and still havent) never had a girlfriend or talk to a girl for more than 10 seconds. We ended up talking on Discord, she first asked me to send her a picture of me holding up 2 fingers to demonstrate that I was not some pedophile trying to talk to some poor girl (how ironic). I sent her the picture and she sent me a video of "her" doing the same hand gesture. It was weird since it had a filter on, something that Discord doesn't have, but I stupidly wasn't bothered by it since the thought that the person who I was talking to wasn't trying to manipulate me, and wasn't who she actually said she was, didn't even cross my mind for some reason. She talked to me about how she had social anxiety and after about half an hour of talking she started talking to me in a weird way, lots of sexual innuendoes, saying how she had never had a boyfriend and eventually of how she was looking for someone to trade nudes with. So yeah, that was the entire finality of the conversation, manipulating some loser into sending her nude pictures. After some resistance, I eventually fell and we started sending each other intimate pictures, with the only difference being that my were real and hers weren't. While I was sending her those videos I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. After the nude requests I perfectly knew in the back of my mind that she wasn't real and that she was probably some pedophile who was manipulating me since the beginning of the conversation, but I liked that illusion. I liked it so much, those sweet words, those compliments and wanting to share that intimacy, which I something no girl has ever done with me, in fact girls used to treat me like shit back in elementary and middle school, calling me names, treating me with superiority, insulting me or ignoring me, and I eventually developped some kind of distrust towards them. That being said I loved that illusion as I was horny, once I came I realized what I had done and it struck me extremely hard. I realized what an idiot I was getting manipulated that way. I blocked her from every platform I talked to her, never knowing anything about her until a few months ago, when while browsing reddit I decided to search her username. Her account wasn't there anymore, the only related thread was a post from a guy, a teen, talking about how he had gotten manipulated by someone going under that username into seding them nudes. So yeah I wasn't the only one. Going back to my exhibition fetish, I recently read that some of us develop some kinks or fetishes in order to cope with some traumatic experices, for example a man who has been cheated on by his partner is likely to develop a cuckhold kink in an attempt of turning that pain into pleasure, as temporary and pointless as it may be. I think the same thing happened to me when it comes to my exhibition fetish. I had a bad experience with talking to a stranger and sending them nude pictures and now, in order to cope with that event, I take pleasure in recreating such actions. After what happened with the girl I was very scared, but eventually, about a month later, I started going on online chat websites such as omegle to please myself sexually. And here a new cycle of addiction began. First, while chatting with people on the websites, I looked for females, but I noticed I was starting to get bored with it and I noticed that females were hard to find, so I started pretending I was a female, first jokingly, "trolling" the strangers on the website (I think I was trying to ideantify myself as the person who tricked me into sharing nudes with them making me believe they were a girl. I took pleasure in doing to others what someone had done to me, as twisted and sadistic as it sounds). These sessions would last over several hours each, multiple times a day. I would literally just sit there for hours while masturbating and at the same time looking for people to sext with until I eventually found someone, at that point, after hours of searching, I would cum all this in the course of 2-3 hours. Then like an hour later I would repeat the same process, then again, reaching a total of about 9 hours a day of masturabation (it was last summer during quarantine). I went on doing so for almost a month and eventually reached a point where the skin on my penis felt like it was going to rip apart. During that time I first discovered nofap. It was the 5th of August 2020 and I had finally realized it couldn't go on like that. I attempted nofap many times since then, getting a max of 12 days off on my first attempt and a few other 7/8 days streaks (I also started taking cold showers, which is something I still do to this day). In the last months I pretty much failed all my attempts at getting back into nofap. I would go on for a day or 2 and then eventually relapse. I tried meditation but I can't concentrate on my breath since my mind drifts away too easily. As of now I masturbate 2-3 times a day, gay porn and gay exhibition as become the standard and my fantasies are running wilder than they ever did. At this point I'm pretty much a complete slave of my sexual urges, whenever I get one I just get this strong instinct to just go and relapse, I don't even have the littlest of willpowers to fight the urges and I keep getting dragged deeper and deeper into this hole. To summarize all this I went from a completely normal guy to pretty much a full blow troomer in 3 years, all thanks to porn. I'm failing school and honestly I don't even wanna imagine what I'll be like in a few years from now. If this keeps going I might actually develop some fantasies that may reveal harmful to others, so I think I might have to start considering suicide, this life is pretty much wasted. Although I suppose I haven't fully given up yet since I'm here posting this, indirectly asking for help and advice. I don't know, maybe if there's people reading this who can relate to my situation, which I don't wish for anybody, you guys can help figure this out. I don't even know what I should ask exactly.

 

ahah humanity is going to shreds

 

Thank you for showing interest and giving me advice. You're not the only one suggesting therapy, so I will probably go there on my own as soon as I turn 18 (I only live with one of my parents, who doesn't have the money for it and that would most likely belittle the issue if I talked to them about it). About talking about it with a friend or someone I trust, I don't really have friends, the only true (or so I thought) friend I had abandoned me as soon as he got a rich girlfriend to which he has been dedicating all of his time in the last few months, during which we haven't spoken, at all.

 

I tried filtering softawares but I think it's more of a mental thing at least for me. If I'm horny I'm not going to care about the filtering software, I once used one, set a random password without looking and eventually ended up hard formatting my devices just for the sake of viewing porn. How did you overcome the omegle addiction?

 

alright I'll try, thanks

 

thank you, I'll make sure to read them.

 

been attempting that since I made the post

 

Thanks man, very insightful read and advices, especially the one about documening struggles and progress, in fact after the first time I uploaded this thread I actually did feel a bit more relieved about my situation. I have yet to explore all the functionalities of this website since I'm pretty new to it, but I'll probably start a diary/journal as soon as possible. Quarantine made me extremely more lazy, so structuring my days is something I should also start now for tomorrow, when all this will be over and I will take advantage from knowing exactly how my days are goona be structured like, since right now they're very monotonous, I can't go out anywhere nor do I have the possibility to go work out at the gym as I used to or simply hang out with friends just for the sake of not being home alone with my urges. You have my compliments on reaching almost a month on your journey, you rock man, keep it up. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve that too, I think that would finally make me achieve that innocent happiness and joy of simply enjoying life that I've lost a long time ago due to all this. I miss it, that almost childish light and positive attitude, that optimism and not having to compulsively think about all the stuff that to this day as kept me in this situation. Just being happy.