I feel like I've reached a dead end

Very inspiring, I tried the same strategy before, but it didn't work.

Seems like a good strategy, good luck

 

I feel the same, kind of sadness and depression when I relapse. It's like an infinite loop. You have to reflect on previous experiences and learn from them. Take those relapse as a lesson and don't beat up yourself. Take care of yourself too. You have to love yourself so others can love you.
Once I reached a state of mind when I was concentrated on my life, I completely forgot porn, that was the only period of time where I reached a long streak. Since then I couldn't repeat it... What I want to say is find something interesting and concentrate on it. Also, the urges won't go if you keep fantasizing, you have to redirect your thinking toward something else...
Good luck

 

Hi!

This sound exactly like depression. You may not be aware of it. I suffered depression for 15 years in life and pattern of your thinking is obvious so if no one told you, I'm telling you that you should seek professional help until your situation will get worse. You are already drowning.

Have you seek professional help ? Are you trying to cope with addiction alone ? Addict have no free will by definition and is slave to addiction. It is possible that you are in loop of failure because you are trying quitting on your own which obviously doesn't work. I sense that this situation is a call to arm to seek help outside. One guy once wrote that definition of madness is doing the same things in repetition and expecting different outcomes.

Dead end of life is really just the beginning of something greater. Hitting the rock bottom, the gutter of life oftentimes have hidden treauses because this is how development of healthy psyche sometimes happen. You are at the threshold. Suffering is not the meaning and purpose of life, its only part of life.

I would ask you to PM me, I can talk with you to seek possible solutions. Two pairs of eyes makes better observations than one pair of eyes

 

I really love the op, I relate at depth as in "I'm reading a diary I hadn't written yet' kind of way. I was only 20% suicidal when it came to actually wanting to end my life but 80+% when it came to wanting my old way of life to end
These things are the natural progression of real sex addiction, this is all normal for a sec addict. It describes beautifully my feelings over years of active addiction.

"
Would it be easier to quit if I didn't think about quitting and my addiction every day?
"
Highly doubtful. My experience is that got me a few days at best, definitely tried that tactic it is not a winning strategy in my experience. In fact today there is nothing more important to me than staying sober not even my family. Because if I act out again I will eventually lose my family and it won't be immediately it'll be after a year or a decade of slipping and each time slipping a little further, that's what was happening before I just never paid any attention.

I also relate to the whole religion dynamic, of you ever saw the original matrix movie, "it seems you've been living two lives. In one love you are a programmer at a respectable software company. You pay your taxes. You even help your landlady take out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers where you" look at pornography you don't want to see but still do for hours. I was in a religion and had that compartmentalization, that feeling of being a hypocrite. I listened to rock music that specifically carried a message opposite to most religions as a firm of rebelliousness and thought nothing of it. Still don't but the point is the disconnect, now I don't listen because it isn't happy rather than before it was all about judgmentalism. Turns out the things I am judgmental against I feel more and more attracted to, I create a gravitas by thinking how bad they are. That certainly happened with the porn, more and more I slid towards what was degrading and then that wouldn't be enough so I would move down to something i considered worse and had no idea I was actively seeking what I also disliked I just thought I was a bad person and getting worse all the time
I had that feeling of "how can I be sure active and sincere in my religion and do x y and now z" that's what's addiction does to us, we've all been there in one sense or another, with or without religion. Party of my unconscious apostasy was that I had no idea I was really using religion as a tool to try to make myself the good right person rather than actually practicing the religions principles and let go of my ideas and desires and identities. It was just another party of my self improvement project which sided my subriety about the principles under the the more superficial parts of that religion. The higher level aspects are there to be pointers to the deeper practices but I was so caught up in the double or triple life that I had no cognitive capacity for that, I was just pissed of that the religion want doing any of what I wanted it to do: wasn't getting me ahead socially nor fixing my acting out nor making me feel good. All selfish pursuits; doesn't matter what we pursue, religion or anything else, with selfishness as the motive we will never be satisfied. And I got very disillusioned, because this all seemed to be the religions fault. Thankfully I don't have to worry about any of that any more, no double life no self improvement project and no acting out, plus a real reliance on things higher than myself. Cuts the gordian knot.

 

Here are my two cents mate :

Exactly, they are probably kind of hardwired.

You are not the only one to experience this difficult feelings. Guilt and shame is usual in people with addiction, you are not the only one addict that have this kind of addiction-distorted view and professionals are ready for the problems, views and feelings that you already have - because they are professionals, trained to help people with situation like you.

I see that pandemic isolation uncovered something to heal in yourself, otherwise other people and circle of friends will be used as a form of cover up or running away from problems. You can see now more sharply problem that is asking for your attention and solution.

Be wise man, you are already doing good but sometimes helping hand can help us tremendously. All you have is to go beyond your own anxiety and viewpoints on receiving help.
Are you able to ask for help or you never ever were taught to ask for help ?
You are not the only one with this kind of problems.
Be brave, self-responsible and choose wisely.

Good luck !