35 and older accountability, Group 2

I went through a flatline around about week 3 to 4 I'm now on day 43 but getting huge urges again. I'm on Normal mode as I'm married and we can still have sex although this is infrequent. My devil on my shoulder keeps saying. "Go on knock one out fella. Your frigid wife ain't gonna do much with you so you might as well enjoy yourself". It's this mind battle I'm trying to get over.

 

I battle that so much too. Whenever my wife upsets me, I feel alone and then use that loneliness to justify seeking comfort with PMO. But it’s such a cycle. In turn we don’t have sex and she feels disconnected and less likely to connect with me. And then I act out. And then I have no desire for her when I’m acting out.

 

I’ll be honest that my tension is more based on how I perceive things in porn.
Warning, below may be graphic.

I want variety and multiple positions but we’re both out of shape and obese, so making positions work is difficult. So It becomes less intercourses and more using hands which isn’t exciting when I imagine it. She’s more obese than me so that’s a factor in looks and positions.
My wife is usually ready to go, but both of us are nervous to initiate. She because I might say no because I’ve used porn. Me because it feels like work, whereas porn isn’t and I’m afraid my PMO will prevent me from finishing. My expectations and reality don’t mix. You’re right @persona2903

 

Superb post @persona2903 - I note many married men here get wound up over what they are not getting sexually from their wives. We need to be aware that as PMO addicts our perspective of what is "normal" sexual activity is very skewed. And, our PMO habits have fundamentally altered our emotional availability to our wives. If either partner is not intimate emotionally, then what are to we expect in the physical realm? So until we are free of the ill effects of PMO it is unlikely we are fully present for sexual intimacy with our wives. That is not to say that someone like me, a +40 years severely habitual PMO user did not have wives and LTR's with whom I engaged with intimately. In retrospect, those relationships were likely emotionally dysfunctional and too highly focused on the physical aspect. As a sex addict I was expert at finding women that not only indulged my appetite but encouraged it with them.

At present, I am rebuilding my third marriage. I sincerely believe that had I not started NF last June I would be divorced by now. During this last year, the wife had some physical issues that precluded intimacy. Undoubtedly there were also emotional and relationship issues we were working on as well. However, there was a point where sexual activity was not going to happen. I took the opportunity to try to improve the other aspects of my marital relationship and removed any thoughts of sex from my attention with her. This helped my efforts at staying clean and PMO-free. I had already worked through managing chaser effect from marital relations and this phase enlightened me that I had been using my wife as a Psub. As she meets all aspects of what I find physically attractive, replacing P images with thoughts of her gave me the same type of rush. Man - how f'ed up is that?! By not being upset about the lack of sex with the wife, it allowed for relationship healing and personal growth.

At this point, we are slowly regaining sexually intimacy. Thankfully we are both fit and now healthy. I am taking great care to maintain the moment to moment emotional connection with wife, so that our physical connection has much greater meaning. And, it creates an environment where she feels comfortable with intimacy without any pressure regarding my needs. It's the first time in my life that I am not spending hours(?) per day thinking about how I am going to maneuver the wife into sex, and creating expectations in myself that only led to disappointment.

I guess I have changed my perspective regarding marital intimacy that it is not a unilateral "right" but a shared privilege that spouses must each nurture as part of their overall expression of their love and marriage, to the betterment of both partners entire being. It only took me forty years...

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group

 

Checking in. Just a week out from achieving my longest streak. The urge demons are seriously unleashed as of late, whispering their sweet nothings. Powerful energies surging, prompting me to waste my efforts in a moment of obscure passion. And a good part of me would love to comply. Having fuc%#d up and caved in countless times before, I guess my one advantage is to be able to square up to them and say "I see you." The very act of observing them ebb and flow seems to strip them of their authority over me. I've found in my journey through this problem that paying attention is crucial. Gotta stay on that watch tower.

Hope you guys are well.

Onwards

 

Well said. You can do this. Stay strong!

 

Have a great nofap easter weekend everyone

 

Today I hit 27 days, which ties for my longest streak. I’m feeling good about how it’s going. I’m gonna keep on working at it.

 

Awesome. I'm glad your doing well. Now everyday is a new record.

 

I’m hanging in there. Had a really rough night this week. I made message about it but seems that nofap didn’t post it. The filters do help to make things harder and since it’s less of an option it is easier to obsess and do it. I’m bored for sure and meditation and recovery has been hard to want to do in the mornings. I have tools but it’s hard to maintain motivation to use them when they stop giving as much pleasure. I’m trying to grow up at 37 and start building more discipline in my life. I’ve never had it.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group. Thanks

 

Out of curiosity I was wondering what mode people are on here. I'm on day 48 of Normal mode. (No porn or masturbation). I get long streaks of no orgasm if the wife isn't feeling it so I feel that gives me an extra boost. Feeling good at the moment. Creating new habits as the old one phases out.

 

Also married here. Well along in life journey so dealing with occasional health (and relationship) issues with wife that sometimes ceases physical intimacy. I agree with you it’s given me another aspect to dealing with my PMO addiction in a positive sense. I’ve posted more in detail about it in my journal.

 

Can't wait. Thanks.