I Relapsed on a long streak (Day 112) - Here is My Story - Sex, Benefits, Faith, Social Anxiety etc.

I just relapsed after an incredible 112-day streak that changed my life. Here is my story, experience with social anxiety, sex, NoFap Benefits, and reason for joining the NoFap community. This is going to be a long read, but I promise it's worth it.

I. About Me
To start I am a 24 yo M and have been watching porn since the tender age of 12. I'm talking multiple times per day, hardcore fetishes, several videos playing on different monitors. You get the idea.

In my early teens, I lived with my family in Hong Kong, and had tons of friends. I would go out several times a week with large groups of friends and went on dates with many different pretty girls. However, in 2013, my family packed up and moved to Seattle and everything changed.

Suddenly, as an outgoing 15-year old I had no friends, no girlfriends, nothing. My high school was super cliquey and it took me forever to eventually find a group of friends. Around this time, I started experiencing social anxiety for the first time and it killed me inside. You can guess what happened next...my porn habit spun out of control.

II. The Addiction
Fast forward to the beginning of my NoFap journey. By the time I was 22, my social anxiety was horrible. I was self-medicating with weed (and other drugs), actively avoided walking into certain stores, and only hung out with my friends if I was in the right "mood." Even worse, porn, anxiety, and depression were slowly killing my relationships with my own family members.

III. The Beginning - finding my WHY

Then one day, my brother came back from a Bible conference and everything changed. He came back with a fire in his eyes and told me that Jesus Christ was going to change my life. (I thought he sounded insane at the time.) This is the point when we both started doing NoFap. (He is now on a year-long hard mode streak.)

Then, one Sunday morning I remember nearly breaking down in church. No words can describe this experience. This happened right after a long night of debauchery (porn, weed etc...) It was exactly as my brother said. Of course, NoFap is only one small part of my newfound life in Christ. But it was on that exact day that I found my WHY.

I.V. The Streak

Fast forward about a year. I had just graduated with my 4-year degree and was struggling to find an entry-level job during the pandemic. I was still struggling with social anxiety. My streaks were nothing special. (14, 30, 20 etc...) Being trapped at home without socializing, made things all the more difficult. However, I had quit weed and really started taking fitness seriously.

However, one day after a particularly painful week of bingeing, I finally said enough is enough. That was the beginning of my 112-day journey that completely changed my life.
Here is everything that happened during the streak:

1. Got an incredible entry-level job that is everything I dreamed of
2. Moved out of my parent's house into a beautiful apartment
3. Made ridiculous gains in the gym
4. Started a FWB relationship with a wonderful woman (however, I recently decided to cut out casual sex)
5. Rekindled relationships with old friends
6. Made new friends
7. Reconciled with my family members
8. Grew stronger in faith

Here is a list of benefits I experienced:
- Increased libido
- Massively increased motivation and energy
- Needing much less sleep
- Improved sleep quality
- Gained a ton of respect for myself
- Hugely improved ability to empathize and connect with other people
- Increased aggression and endurance in the gym
- Improved memory and focus

V. The Relapse - Why I decided to join the NoFap community
Well this morning, on day 112, I work up with a thought. One thing led to another, which led to another, which led to a 2-hour fapping session. It is what it is.

At first, I felt crushing guilt...desperately watching NoFap videos online to feel better about myself. Then I realized...either I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, or turn this negative experience into something beautiful and positive.

Hence, I decided today to join the NoFap community. I know that so many people can benefit from hearing this story and I know that we are all on the most incredible self-improvement journey together. I don't know any of you, yet, but after reading your stories, I feel surrounded by an unstoppable army.

VI. Final Thoughts and Lessons
Unfortunately my friends, there is no day where you can be 100% free. The cravings will come and go. You will have sex that makes you feel wonderful and you will have sex that makes you feel dead inside. However, the absolutely most important thing I've learned on this journey is to find your WHY. Why are you doing this? For me, it was my faith. For you, it could be something totally different.

I will conclude by saying this. Yes, I relapsed after 112 incredible days. However, everything I have built during that streak has become a part of who I am. I promise to you all that today will be the beginning of something greater.

Cheers to all of you. I am going to start posting here weekly. Have a great day, friends.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. When I started NoFap, I totally thought I could just quite cold turkey and start hitting 90 days streaks. Some people can, but the brain needs a long time to heal. Stay strong, friend! You will probably end up surprising yourself!

 

Wow. That is such a tough situation and so different to what I am going through. Congratulations on putting yourself out there and choosing to put an end to this disease! Does your wife know about this struggle?

 

Awesome man. That's great that she has been so understanding about it. You can definitely get through this.

Something that has been invaluable for me is opening up about my addiction with one or two people in my life who have been accountability partners for me. I have software installed on my personal devices, which is impossible to uninstall and takes random screenshots and emails them to my accountability partners every day. (It blurs text, so they cant see my bank info.)

Now I'm super aware of even little things that I search for, so that way I'm not worried about meeting with my accountability partner and being embarassed.

 

It's going to take time to defeat this addiction, and you are going to learn so much about yourself in the process. Congratulations on starting your journey. I had a really good discussion with another PMO addict recently, who said something very helpful for me. He said that pornography is not the problem, but only a symptom of a greater problem in your life.

You've got to figure out why are you are doing this and commit to it 100%. Also, figure out what the problem is (lack of confidence, escapism, depression) and figure out how to face that problem head-on. When you take steps to defeat demons in your life, in conjunction with fighting your porn addiction, you will become a brand new person.

 

After my relapse, I've been struggling way more to get back on track. Want to be accountability partners? I can check in with you in the morning/evening, whenever you are struggling.