35 and older accountability, Group 2

I've been a porn addict for the last 20 years. I can't top what you said but I was once turned on by the hairdresser cutting my hair so on the way home I stopped off at a gym car park to masturbate because I couldn't wait to get home lol. My porn use got heavier and heavier over the years where I'd need more stimulus to get the same effect. I bought a Virtual reality headset to watch porn on it. Its so realistic and its going to hook people even more. I threw it away as I knew that's the only way I'd stop using it.

I'm doing well at the moment. Another week and that's 60 days of no PM for me.

 

I had a slip up on April 9th

 

I slipped today. But 9 days no pmo I noticed a positive change in social interactions. I noticed no pmo is like the glue that holds positive change together. I relapsed but over the course of 9 days got back into a weight training and diet routine again. Feel good about that.

 

Hindsight is 2020 as they say. Looking back on my relapse last night it’s all so clear now. That one moment, If I would have just stopped what I was doing right then and walked away it could have been avoided. But once I entered the nofap world, I always thought of that sexual desire to be like quicksand: once one steps into it, one has a few moments to quickly step out, if they don’t take advantage of those brief moments, then they kind of get sucked into the void and suddenly it gets really hard to get out without a relapse.

What I need to do now is forget about where I was yesterday and just focus on 3 days. Right now I’m vulnerable to relapse every day, but If I can put 3 days together, then I got momentum on my side again to go for another run.

PS: Sexual desire is not like sugar or a substance like alcohol that one can get out of their system after awhile. Sexual desire will always be there. Moving forward, I think what I need to do is realize that: you can not get ride of sexual desire (that’s simple engrained in us from a million of years of evolution), what I need to try to do is get ride of my desire for porn.

I just don’t know how.

 

Last night I came to a very dangerous temptation.

I have had this VR headset that i have been in the process of selling but before giving it away my mind has been so curious as to what things are out there, so yesterday I found myself browsing writings about VR and the porn and how it is and was trying to discern how realistic would it be and what it would be like to experience it.

I did click some links that had pictures of pornography on them but avoided indulgence in the picture but just trying to get a sense of the technology, at one instance though I noticed myself getting tempted to look at the picures instead and 'just see what its like. Thanks to Grace I had this moment of awakening and I realized where this will lead.

I closed all the pages, and went to my journal which is on no pmo and started to read all my previous posts on all the previous months and years of attempting to let go of this to try to remember why am I abstaining and not enjoying

At that moment of temptation it was so hard to understand why am I not just giving myself the pleasure of enjoying - and abstaining and thankfully after reading for a while it started to become more clear as the pain i was in and I was able to feel through the process of seeking, getting, disappointment and shame/guilt.

then this morning I started to reflect and I realized perhaps I have been neglecting my human needs for intimacy and with the new changes and lock downs I must be proactively creating situations to have more personal relationships otherwise I will slip back into the old ways, which is not what I choose.

So grateful for this group and the counter because honestly was it not for the group and the fact that I would have to come here and let every one know what happened, i would have most likely went ahead and put the head set on and gone back to the old ways - but now i'm again committed and will be selling this asap and using my time and energy to grow my career as well as building new healthy relationships with people I enjoy relating to.

 

I find that through practice and certain ways of living one can increase in will power and ability to get out of the quicksand. for example fasting, discipline to workout, discipline to be in nature, be around friends, reading books that remind me of who i am in essence (spiritually alive books like new earth, new testimate, bagava gita, dhamapada) or attending meetings with other highly aware, conscious people (like AA groups, or ACIM groups or Meditation groups) can make the journey much more enjoyable.

I find that the reason I slip to indulgence in porn is really because I am lonely and suffering, there is a pyschological need in us to belong with a group and our society is shaped in a way that we are less and less connected unless we intentionally make the choice to connect - our default is to be lonely until it is too late, and then try to meet he void with 'poisoned sugar' of porn, drugs and other short term gratifiers which numbs our feeling and keep us stuck in the same level.

On the other hand if we train our focus, meditate, change our routines, one day at a time, and form new ways to live a more healthy wholistic life, we expand to new levels of peace, joy and service.

I also find writing in my journal (I like ever note) and keepin my notes about my past relapses and my lessons has been so helpful to increase my learning speed and reflections

 

@RightEffort Congrats for bringing awareness to that pitfall and avoiding it!

 

Thanks @InnerMan! Good to see you, hope your doing well too man, how is your journey unfolding?


~~~~

Few more notes...

I have been contemplating today, and felt this inner inspiration for disciplining the mind.

I discovered this post on fasting and how it can be used for restoring harmony and soul connection.

I remembered one of my friends who mentioned in India devotees to spiritual path, use fasting as a way of disciplining the mind back to peace if they slip one day or if they do something that is not to their highest ideal,

This is why I am choosing to fast the entire day today and eat tomorrow morning.

The minute the idea came to my mind I felt the inner conflict within me, but then I realized this is exactly the same inner conflict I had in me which resulted in me reading about those VR porn stuff yesterday.

Like last night it was 7:00 pm I was scheduled to meditate at 8 and sleep at 9 pm so I could wake up early, but 7:00 pm came and there was a movie/Documentary which a friend send, and I literally said to myself, I can watch this movie that my friend sent me, or I can read a good book or a video that uplifts my spirit, I chose to take the movie path, so I watch the movie/documentary and after that I was filled with excitement and craving.

By slipping on my inner commitment to my sleep time then i became curious to read about those things and bit by bit things go in that direction.

But one quote I realy love from mahatma Gandhi is "Freedom is not complete unless it includes the freedom for one to make a mistake" This quote comforts me when i make mistakes and inspires me to learn from the set back and turn it into strength.

So I hope by fasting today and devoting time to prayer/meditation and going within, I will be more disciplined and focused and vigilant than I would have been even if i didn't miss my sleep routine last night.


Update: May be Ending fast after 24 hours as realized the last time i ate was yesterday at about 5pm. But i now see the joy of fasting again and part of me almost does't want to end it because it makes me go so deepinto my self and feel so grounded

 

Updating here after a while. One of the reasons was taking a few days off with my family around easter, which helped get a good one-week streak. However, when I got back I found some old patterns coming back, one quick glimpse turned into another, and then after a whole day of thinking about porn I just ended up giving in, and again yesterday.

Two things came up while catching up on this thread:
1) I'm definitely guilty of the wife-blaming behavior others have mentioned, it helps to know others are struggling with the same things I am. The lockdown has been much more difficult for my wife, as she's been taking care of the kids 24/7, and we regularly got into fights about her pessimistic outlook for the future. Of course this type of discussion is not helping our couple and definitely not fostering intimacy. I need to work on being more supportive.
2) I need to admit that the past few weeks have been a relapse. It's been inspiring to see others being strict on resetting their counters even for what one could call a minor incident. That's something I haven't done, even in my own head, and I realize it's something I need to do if I want to get clean. From now on, I will report any reset here right away.

 

Relating to your post: when I was in college there was a two week period where I kind of had this girlfriend. During that time I did not look at porn or desire it.

 

You know how it is friend, ups and downs. But I have to say, overall very positive and making some great progress. Today is a victory because it's the first time I've hit that 90 day milestone. Considering I'm doing hard mode and still having plenty of sex, I'm giving myself some props on this one lol I've got some good habits going and dropped some not so good ones (e.g. smoking pot) as well.

However, I'm not deluded and recognize that its so easy to slip and fall. I keep coming back to my intentions and try to bolster my efforts by recognizing that all the negative stuff that arises eventually dissolves, so one just has to be somewhat patient with the internal shit and to also proactively cultivate the positive by using that shit as fertilizer. Thanks for asking.

 

hi guy, I'm 32 years old and I wish to be a part of this group,

 

90 day is great, so you are using the retention techniques? Great job on listening to inner guidance to dropping pot.

 

To be fair though even after a short while in relationship the lust for more excitement comes right back, because the novelty of having a new partner is not permanent, so even though a partner may help the lust for pleasure does't disappear, it only finds more excuses (like saying my gf is not having sex with me as much as I like)

 

1 day back in the game officially. To be fair, I made that first 24 hours alot harder than it had to be. I was Purposely pouring gasoline on my sexual desire by thinking about naughty stuff trying to make myself relapse again. I was purposely making the choice to think naughty which was constantly tempting myself.

I think sexual desire does tend to begin and end with our thoughts. Its pretty simple from my experience: think about naughty stuff and you will be tempted. Don't think about it and that sexual desire isn't really there anymore.

For these next 24 hours I'm going to really focus on not thinking about naughty crap. And I bet these next 24 hours will be a breeze.

 

Nothing in particular, just abstaining from ejaculation during sex

 

I relapsed yesterday. My filters stopped working and I made split second decision to use and then did it to more times. I’m disappointed but hanging in there. I had great intimacy with my wife on Saturday and they definitely triggered me some but I would have made this decision anyway.

I should have been honest with my wife and told her my filters stopped working.

 

Hey bro, glad to hear your hanging in there. I can totally feel for you and I know every set back is a set up.

I tell you man, on Saturday I came very close to slip, so on sunday I didnt eat until 6pm and did a very painful and unpleasant fast - with the purpose of reconnecting to my spirit.

I honestly feel so grateful I feel a new sense of inner power awakening in me again,

This morning woke up at 4:30 am and workout and every thign in check.

I find that a good solution to the feeling of disappointment is a disciplinary action -to reclaim power from the mind and put the soul/spirit/heart back in power and for me fasting has been just that.

Thank you again for checkin in with me. Blessings brother

 

Interesting - In my experience sex without transmuting can create blue balls and eventually ejaculate. What some yogis recommend is to do some inverse yoga asanas (shoulder stand, head stand, hold, etc) to move the energy to your head or some breath work.

Also I like the book 'Cultivating male sexual energy by mantak Chia or watch one of his London Real Interviews with Bryan Ross - on this topic

Great job though takes serious discipline!

 

Yeah, I’ve recently relapsed too. Had a really tough week emotionally and let that stress build up. I did get to 35 days, so I want to build on that belief to go even further. That starts for me with taking it a day at a time and not isolating myself.