HOCD is f**king me up

Okay, I need to write this here. This is the story of how it popped up.

I was a happy straight guy, I only liked girls. Before watching porn, I remember searching nude photos of girls on the internet and my heart started to race very fast. I started watching porn at the age of 12 and it was only straight porn. Then I went to lesbian porn, then to transwoman, years after, and occasionally I watched gay porn. Even zoofilia sometimes. Let's say, once every two or three months. But it didn't bother me, really. I knew it was out of curiosity, and I identified as straight. I didn't feel shame of watching gay porn, because I knew I wouldn't do this in real life.

Okay, now to the second story. I had a friend in highschool, when I was 13-14. Honestly, his appeareance was that of a girl. He had a child voice, long hair, and didn't have hair on his legs. That made me feel weird. I was discovering masturbation at the time, so I masturbated thinking of him one or two times. I had a lot of guy friends in high school and I didn't think like this with anybody. Only with my friend, who had the appeareance of a girl.

Later on, he changed. We were 17-18 years old, and I didn't feel that weird shit. He was a normal guy with a deep voice. I have never been turned on by him. But because I behaved weird 4-5 years ago, he thought of me as gay. He didn't say it to me, but said to the other classmates. This bothered me, because I didn't identify as gay. But I understood because he noticed this curiosity I felt when I was 13-14. I heard someone calling me gay thinking that I was not there, and I felt very bad, but I didn't really give importance to it, as I KNEW I wasn't gay. I liked women.

Years pass now. Being 16-17 years old, I was living a happy life, only liking girls. I discovered NoFap and it gave me motivation to start improving myself. I loved getting girls' attention and I still do. I'm 22 years old now, and I haven't fallen in love with a guy NEVER. I fell in love a couple of times, both with girls, and man, it was a very strong feeling.

Okay, here is how it all started.

I started to date a girl. She once told me that she questioned her sexuality, and she thought of kissing a girl, hell, maybe giving the circumstances, she would kiss a girl only for fun. I PANICKED. The next day, I started to cry in despair. I'm not even joking. I didn't know why I was so upset. The world didn't end. Maybe it was my insecurity...?

...or maybe, I didn't like that she could be bisexual. But why?, I asked. Maybe I unconsciously didn't like the idea of being bisexual myself. And this is where it all started. I looked back at the stories of my friend of 13-14 years, and watching occasionally gay porn, and I felt my stomach crunching. It was horrendous. The thought hasn't ever gone since that moment.

Ever since, I can't talk with a guy without feeling anxious. I even watched more gay porn, and I panicked because I got an erection. I spent endless hours of searching in forums about HOCD, and questioning myself. I even go to therapy now. Sometimes I even think I'd like to give oral sex to a man, but somehow this thought collides with my identity and I feel this crunch in the stomach again. The thought doesn't feel natural, and doesn't come from a place of calmness, peace and joy. I wouldn't kiss a man in a romantic way, because I don't feel like that. I'm not homophobic, I just want to escape this hell.

I know it's an OCD thing to do, but I even asked gay friends if they noticed something in me that could make them believe I like boys. They said "no, don't worry too much", in a humorous way, but man. You don't know how FUCKING GREAT I felt.

Now that I shared my story, I wanted to know if anyone has anything similar. Maybe It will help someone. Thanks for reading!

 

Thanks for replying!! I do not see myself in a relationship with a man. I only experimented romantic and true sexual attraction towards women. But these thoughts are really annoying me.

I consider the "oral sex" thing to be a symptom of porn. I was exposed to a lot of oral sex, so I suspect that my brain has associated the penis with pleasure, but it's kind of fucked up. There is something wrong with it.

Sometimes I forget about it and I see it clear, but sometimes I don't. I don't want to lose my attraction towards girls.

 

I see, you do have a point. I definitely want to make a family with a woman in the future. These homo thoughts are getting better, though. The less I dwell in them, the better.

Thanks for replying!

 

Hey, thanks for replying!

I know there is nothing wrong with being bisexual, but I've heard that sexuality forms in an early stage of life, and I wasn't ever attracted to men. I think I had this BJ thoughts since I started to care about HOCD and gay porn.

Ever if I was bisexual, I wouldn't have any problem. I wouldn't consider myself as "bicurious" as I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man. I haven't got any urges to kiss a man. Only these "penis thoughts" that I blame on porn.

I think you are right. Every person, regardless of their sexual orientation, makes these questions to themseves. Hope this fades away with time.

 

Man, you hit the nail on the head. The "choices and inevitabilities" part is on the spot. The thought makes me feel that this is inevitable, that somehow in the future I'm going to have sex with a man, even if I don't want it right now. That I must accept my destiny no matter what. It is fucking horrendous. In fact, I'm convinced that the source of all the anxiety is the feeling of inability to escape from the "destiny" you've created in your head. Even more that the content of the actual thought.

It seems that your situation is kind of the same, although with another content. Porn creates very strange fantasies in us.