Long term consequences for acting out

I felt that way for a few days and the bad thoughts and feeling unexpectedly crept back up.

Just be careful, hopefully there is a real solution out there. Positive thinking is hard in situations like this.

 

Good on you for being a warrior

 

Im probably gonna open a new thread to continue the discussion. Im still dealing with extremely heavy depression. I really cant handle this level of stress on my own and need someone to talk to

 

I'm really sorry to hear what you and @Mipomsix are going through. The consequences of our actions hit us in ways we never thought possible, even though it may have been a while ago. There are a lot of threads about shame and guilt and I made a comment on a similar post earlier this week. But I'll repeat it cause it might help.

Personally, I struggle with excessive guilt because I saw escorts a few years ago, and because it's illegal where I am, I feel like I need to turn myself in and face the law. Of course, I've never been back to escorts for more than 2 years now and I will never go back, but this year I have really been struggling with the intense memory of my actions, with an obsessiveness that leaves me depressed and unable to focus on any tasks , and shame as to why I let my porn use escalate.

I may have good days but my bad days are many, start in the morning with the guilt in my mind and make me lose my appetite, drive to eat or work or be with friends. I'm no longer this person and try to live better now, but my mind will simply not let go of my past. I'm certainly no expert at any of this, but a few pointers that I try to live by daily:

1. I read a helpful, hopefully relatable article: https://www.turningpointpsychology.ca/blog/real-event-ocd that talks about Real Event OCD, that describes some of our symptoms. Read through to the end, read the comments and see how people are unable to let go of terrible actions from the past that most people would have forgiven themselves for. It may not be the same issues, but battling shame from past actions is not an isolated struggle.
2. Search for CSAT Therapists or even better therapists who deal with Acceptance & Commitment Therapy in your state. They understand sex addiction, have dealt with behavior that crossed lines and managing the post-effects of pornography and acting out.
3. We all need deliberate recovery and that begins with stopping all forms of pornography. Long streaks of sobriety will eventually lessen the intensity (but not the memory) of these feelings. Regardless, keep at sobriety daily.
4. When triggered to feel deep-rooted guilt, ask yourself: What big picture view am I missing out on? What responsibilities am I not attending to? What connections with my self, friends, family (or God) am I rejecting by focusing on my past self? What life goals am I neglecting by focusing my attention on this? How is worrying about behavior from the past helping me right now? More importantly, is the world better served by someone who keeps beating themselves over past mistakes or by someone who learns from their mistakes, avoids them and moves forward?
5. Recognize that even after all of this, guilt and shame may not go away completely. We may never escape intrusive, obsessive thoughts or the panic and anxiety, but we can practice self-compassion: Treat yourself how you would a friend. ((https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...uide-to-self-compassion-in-the-toughest-times) .We can keep trying to let the past be in the past. We can keep supporting each other. We can take gratitude in the fact that we're no longer practicing our shameful behavior.

 

Im going through the exact same thing just for something different. I know how it feels. Some times i have good moments where i put things into perspective.

One thing that does help me at times is when i think stuff like, "i shouldve backed out" i put a positive flip on it and say I DID back out. Even though i stepped in doesnt mean i didnt back out. I engaged in the act and once i realized i didnt like it I backed out. I dont have to beat myself into oblivion that i made it to that stage, i can just be happy that i turned away at some moment and made it out.

Things like that im starting to develop.

Also i look at the situation the same as porn. It helps a lot if you do that. If you try to differiante it as if you were this evil deviant lurking around looking for a fix, its just going to destroy you.

The truth is in your natural state you dont do that, it was like another experimentation from a porn session, just a bit more extreme, pushing the limits and trying to test the waters , think of it like the levels of porn addiction,

Soft core, hardcore, etc

You acting out is just a step above a porn category in the addiction cycle. Think of it as a relapse and a sign the addiction has gotten too bad so its really time to stop.

So how do we normally deal with relapse? Abstain and reboot so our minds clear up.

I know in reality all things will probably be good but my mind has to be tuned into the right state. If its not in it the thing can get to me, but im starting to realize that i just need to reach a certain reboot stage and ill have climbed the mountain.


I think one thing that was bringing me down is this thing didnt seem like a thing to be proud to beat thats why there will always be shame, but beating an addiction thats been there since childhood is an amazing freedom.

If we put the brakes on it now the amount of damage done is reconcilable. We might be in chaos right now but were not totally broken. Youll see it more the longer you do nofap.

 

That’s the fuckin spirit.
Fuck the devil.
Fuck the porn industry.
We watch a video of another guy fucking a girl while we fuck ourselves literally and figuratively.
I’m done being a loser.
I’m done being a simp.
The elites wants us men to constantly masturbate and lose focus of what really matters.

 

I have the same exact thoughts man. You believe in God right? Well those thoughts to me are magnified infinitely because im more distraught about what i did in terms of God's judgement. How bad i forsake his holy law. The only way is to have an extreme amount of trust and faith. Strengthen your faith in God and let your purpose be rooted in serving him above all things.

What youre experiencing is your conscience convicting you of what you did. You have to abide in God's mercy.

This may not be the advice you want to hear but it is the reality

 

Since passing the 60 day mark of NoFap my mind has been much clearer so I feel like I needed to get over a few things in my life as well.
I also have a fear of this coming back into light at some point in my life.

In short, I feel like my addiction played a part in ruining someone else's life (someone who I loved dearly at a point in time). Though I know everyone's choices are theirs to make ultimately.

I think I will seek a therapist, have you thought about that?

But I do feel like the best thing I can do is give back to the world in their name/memory to help me deal with it.

 

Yes God never promised it would be easy. Its hard. Extremely tough at times to deal with what weve done in his sight, but he does promise us forgiveness through his Son if we repent and forsake our sins.

The road ahead will be tough but if you abide in him and put him above ALL things he will never cast you out. He is drawing you to a higher calling

 

Hey Man,

I can't relate to the exact experience you had but I did have a similar experience with a Porn Star & Stripper that gave me the same hopelessness feelings of shame. See my post My Experience With a Porn Star - (The Truth About ED & Fetishes). Therapy can definitely help you and if you are feeling depressed I would recommend you talk to someone but here are some thoughts in the meantime. You should look into what are called Cognitive Distortions as I feel there are several at play here in the line of thinking you just presented. What you are feeling is a common experience that we all share from time to time. The nature of shame is that it makes us not want to talk about it.

Cognitive Distortions & Changes In Perspective:

• Magnification = Definition, Blowing up the importance of an event way out of proportion. The reality is that this experience you had is nothing more than an experience. It does not define you as a person but you are letting yourself live in that moment over and over again which is what is keeping you gripped. I would challenge you to find the good that came from this. If you thought long and hard about the experience I'm sure there is something you learned that has improved your life, some tools discovered, lessons learned or new friends made. Try to find what that might be.
• Black Or White Thinking = Definition, all or nothing. You're leaving no room for the middle ground. You're essentially pitting yourself against 2 options 1.) I need to have a perfect record with no mistakes to be worthy or 2.) I made a mistake and therefor am not and never will be worthy. Its not fair or rational to think these are the only 2 options.
• Friend Experiment = Pretend that your best friend came up to you and said he had to confide in you a secret that has been killing him and he shared the story you just shared with us. What would be your advice to him? How would you treat him? Would you discard him as a friend? Go somewhere private and actually speak out loud what you would say to your friend in this scenario.
• Stress & Meaning = We only stress about things we care about, therefore where there is stress there is meaning. The fact that this pains you is not a bad thing, it means there is a value that you care about in this story. Your pain is actually a radical manifestation of your own self love and self respect. You actually view yourself as someone who should be treated with love and respect and the fact that you treated yourself poorly in this one circumstance and are hurt by it shows that you deeply have self love.
• You Did The Best You Could With The Information You Had At That Time = The person you are today is a completely different person than the one who had that experience. We make decisions for all kinds of reasons but we always feel like the decision we are making moment to moment is the best thing for us at that time. Im almost 100% you did not make that decision that night thinking "Man I hope this memory torments me for the rest of my life". No, you likely where thinking "Maybe doing this will ease my pain, make me feel good, be a fun experience". So you cannot beat yourself up for doing what you thought was right in that moment even if hindsight shows otherwise. You learned a lesson and are better off for it.
• Self Love = If you love the person you are today and are proud of man you are becoming you wont have regret because you'll know that every "regrettable moment" helped shape the man you are today. Look, if nothing else this experience has deepened your capacity for empathy. You now have a new gear you can tap into that makes you more relatable to people. We are all suffering, and this pain you are feeling is something that has given you insight. You can relate now to those who are suffering deeply as well and you can help guide other people out. If you so choose you can find the way out and be an inspiration to others once you do.
• This Is A Challenge Not A Problem = This is not a death sentence, this is a challenge. Look at this situation through the lens of a game and of the lens of a challenge. There are tools out there that can solve this puzzle and you can find it. We're all rooting for you brother. In fact we all need you just as much as you need us. Once you find the way of this dark patch you'll be able to help so many others.

I'll leave you with this. Right now you are feeling like a prey animal/victim of this circumstance which is activating a different set of systems within your brain and body. If you choose to voluntarily face this challenge head on you will activate different systems that will will make you feel empowered. This is a winnable battle. Others who have felt like you feel and who have done exactly what you have done have taken this situation and beat it. The answers are out there, you just need to have the courage to keep fighting and keep searching.

Wish you all the best brother, you can and will beat this is you choose to.

Best,
Self Actualized Men

 

Black or White Thinking & Self Love are things I need to keep working on. Thanks for sharing. Also congrats on 372 days, that is amazing! How did you make that happen?

 

I hope you stopped doing drugs. They are no good.

 

"Forgive your younger self. Believe in your current self. Create your future self."

What you did back then, that was you acting out of a place of pain. Don't carry that pain into your future. You have the strength to face it and by acknowledging it you can give yourself a chance to finally let it go. Be kind to yourself and have compassion for yourself and understand that we all make mistakes. Just don't let it become a life sentence. Don't let those few times define who you become going forward. You have the choice to change. You have the will to change. You already know who you are. Now take action towards the man you know you can be.

I was watching a Jordan Peterson clip earlier today and he said something really interesting, that our best selves are laying down all these challenges in front of us so that we can overcome them and finally unfold into the person that we always knew we could be. So allow yourself the time and space to heal and to resolve all that you are going through. Remember, you are growing through what you are going through.

If you feel like you need to seek professional help, then please do so. It's okay to get help.