Hey just smoked a joint yesterday and everything felt real again

So that's happened quite some times for the last years. Suddenly reality is there again. I already accustomed to know that happens when I breathe in even a single blow so I don't panic so much, but I suddenly realize that how I live is not nearly good or happy or pleasant and I give up, and stuff around me just feel like they were when I was a child or something. I can hear and see and understand, I feel like alive for some minutes, and then I'm back to my "logical" life sorta speaking. Everything becomes planned, every feeling is then but a repetition or just a thought. I don't laugh honestly anymore. A mask covers me again.

Anyone who could tell me what the F happens here would really help. But I will probably not read any articles or chemical talk since I am already full of information screwing up my head day in and day out.
I am not an habitual pot smoker. Last time could have easily been more than one year ago.

 

I do practice meditation and I did encouter those moments. I felt enlighted and happy because it was getting better, I was feeling like getting outside of a cage, however in the last two months I have seen no improvement and I stopped having those relieving moments. Any method to keep going with that?

I learnt to make it a tea and drink it. Would you reccomend it tho?

I get what you say but I doubt it with depression. Surely I wouldn't do it regularly, I notice how much it cost myself to get that "homeostasis" after the fact, but in the long run marihuana has been the only thing that undercovered my 10 meter deep under the earth self and feelings. At this time I feel like without the help of chemicals (not much as psychoactive but anything that can bring me down for a while and make me rest) the change made into my mind and body has been something like permanent, and if not, really difficult to unravel and to live with. I have millions of worries and thoughts of which I have already understood that just serves the purpose of making me unhappy, but still think them and act on them. It is like being a marionette sometimes.

 

I completely agree with you, that's why I am here in the first place, dropping from porn to videogames and movies. However, I don't know the cause, the entire mechanism of my conscious process seems to be the problem, I have lived with extreme anxiety for the last four years for sure, and probably even longer. There was a point in which I just couldn't live any longer, that's why I now search for chemical aid, not for covering the issue but for them to let me start at least working on it better and consistently.