My Story: 545 Days No-PMO, Hard Mode (1 Year and 185 Days and Counting)

I felt inspired to share a little bit about my journey.

(Semi long post)

I started watching porn since i was 15 years old.

Given my all or nothing personality, I was a heavy user you could say.

I loved the process of searching and finding crazy shit.

(and the shock and aw of finding crazy images online)

Many often I would mix porn with ADHD drugs, to try to make the effects longer.

Then in 2009 (11 yrs ago) I wanted to get better at sex, so I got the book "Taoist Secrets of Love" by Mantak Chia.

Reading this book hit me like a ton of brick.

There was a chapter at the start of it, which talked about the power of semen.

I started to question, perhaps me feeling so depressed, mental issues, had something to do with my addiction to my porn habit?

but how could I ever quiet watching porn?

It literally seemed like a total fantasy to think I could EVER stop watching porn for even a week, let alone for life.

I saw porn just like oxygen, or water, it was such a strong urge and need for me it that i really didn't believe to live without it was even worth it.

So giving up porn wasn't an option on the table then for me, so I chose the next best option, semen retention.

This is about the time I attended my first 10 day vipassana retreat - as thought by one of my great teachers S.N. Goenka G (Global non profit non organization)

After my retreat I felt like a changed man, I felt a new measure of peace and harmony in life I almost wanted to give up my life and become a monk right then.

For about a year or so after this I was watching porn but avoided ejaculation - so mostly edging and then I had a few different girl friends and tried to keep things mostly to normal sex and if i watched porn I would not release seeds.

To give you a full transparent picture of how i was feeling then, I was in a constant state of craving for sex.

Even if i would get laid, i would keep craving for the next time i see this girl, or if i would watch porn, i was constantly on the edge of coming and my mind was totally fixed on sex almost 24/7.

Because I wasn't coming so sex was a major part of my life and day.

Overal though the self controlled life resulted in a measure of success, i got my own apartment in vancouver, which looked really nice and had a successful local business and so on...

Eventually I met a girl who became my gf, and she cheated on me, I went back to doing drugs, and I ended up selling every thing i had and going to live in Asia.

in 2013 I returned to Canada to parents house broke but much wiser, because i had been chasing so many girls in Asia, it was crazy. I had so much sex there and to my surprise i felt absolutely like hell.

Perhaps I felt the WORST in my life when I was sleeping around with the most number of girls, i was constantly anxious, nervous, even worst than when I was hooked on porn.

So any one thinking to quit porn to go to escorts - i argue that it is better to stay on porn watching, because sleeping with different women creates serious mental and emotional complexities.

***

In 2014 I went through the 12 step process as it was recommended to me by my teacher Dr. David R Hawkins who had been through it, and so i asked a friend who was in AA and he became my sponsor.

Then for the first time experienced a miracle.

The miracle was total freedom from that compulsive craving for pleasure which previously had lead me to years of drugs and sex.

For the next 6months I experienced a new "high" in life.

Free from ALL sexuality. and so confident with women, it was crazy.

This was my very first taste in Hard Mode - no porn, no masterbation no orgsms. (This means actually no touching my self ever, no edging, no pictures, nothing what so ever.)

It looked like I could get any women (not really but meaning lot of women were friendly to me)


I found myself so free and joyful, I became extremely fit (abs) and focused on growing my online business.

Now mind you i have always been fit most of my life, but this time i became ultra fit.

~~~

Then after about 6 months of hard mode, i attracted a super amazing soul - a girl who i really felt a deep connection with, who became my partner for 2.5 yrs.


I ended up making lots of money, or at least the most i have ever made in life, I felt like I am never ever going to have money problems.

I had enough to be able to live a year or more traveling and felt invincible.

(Side Note: This is where I learned, when things go well for me i become totally hypnotized into becoming overly confident, They say pride comes before the fall is so true....

(...Also now I realize I am most under danger, when I am most successful, and things are going the best, because that is when I am most easily able to override my own souls calling and to listen to my ego, to seek selfish pleasures)


We traveled and lived in Bali and so on... All my dreams were coming true ( until the dream turned into a mini night mare lol )

We started our relationship I was so into having sex with her i couldn't stop thinking about her for the first year.

This was also during the time i was practicing Semen Retention techniques which enabled me to keep myself rejuvenated and not loosing so much semen on mindless sex.

But then after moving in about a year or so, I felt that same lust feeling came back.


(NOTE: The lustful feeling is that sense of lack and un-fulfillment i had felt all my life. When I was watching porn, when i was seeking drugs, or seeking girls, the craving for MORE, was the EXACT same craving which would always come back to me any time I would live life without self control and self restrain.)

I would much rather to watch porn and to have sex with any one else but her. (cool-age effect)

After this we broke up and I stopped having sex for a year as I pursued a deep spiritual calling to travel and find more meaning in life.

During this time I hardly much sex once a year very few encounters which would feel empty and boring, I was still watching porn and masterbating though, and I was pretty much stuck in life in all levels, financially emotionally and mentally wen through some serious dark nights of the soul where I questioned if i should continue my life or pull the plug.


In 2018 I made another serious attempt to go hard mode.I made it for only 30 days or 60 days (can't recall) but very soon went back to porn.

Then again in 2018 for the second time (December) i did a reboot for about 90 days and noticed some improvement but I didn't have the paitience to keep goin and I resumed to sexing and living a careless life.

I was feeling again over confident and I felt I can handle it.

I started to smoke cigarettes once a while (for fun) even though i was super into healthy living. (justifications of the mind)

Through sheer force and hard work I started to land more business deals and success, I even went to Sandiego couple of times and had 4 figure months in sales, but again, the fire went out.

I felt unstable, i noticed a new pattern arise in me, I was so needy over my new girl who i would feel nerovous and anxious if she wasn't around.

Then around September she and I seemed to be going deeper and deeper 'in love' so she invited me over to live with her as her mom was away for a week.

I was so excited to have a full week of fuckfest, but I felt like if i am going to live with her, this will take our relationship to a new level, so I went to be more transparent about my current business challenges I was facing.

After that conversion, she turned away and she revealed that she had lost all attraction to me because i wasn't who she was expecting to be.

So this was the final nail in the coffin for me, the intense pain of another breakup, resulted in my business totally goin down even more,

I lost my self in self pitty, lack of focus, depression, back to watching porn and so on...

This is when I found myself in a new level of rock bottom.

I'm sure others had it worst then me but here I was 35 yrs old. Living at parents house. I can't drive my car because its minus 30 outside and I don't have money to buy winter tire.

My business just crashed and burned. I get booted out of the training I was a part of because i couldn't make the payments. I had $13 in bank account, and I am living in a house w/ 7 other family members and 3 small children, noise, sounds, emotional triggers and i had so many reasons to be depressed.

This is when I was practicing silence days on Sundays, and i would take the whole day off to go within and to be quiet and meditate,

I started to experiment with fasting. Started with Daniel fast (veggies, fruits, nuts mostly) for a few days and noticed It helped me regulate my mood.

Then I started to get the courage to stop watching porn again.

Started a new journal, i was writing down how many days its been since last relapse. and If i would relapse I would write down, what happened, and what I learned.

After about a month or two I was too proud to get help and was 'trying' to do it alone.

Very soon I realized I can't do this alone, and reached back to NoFap community after a few years break.

On 11/11/2019 after about 30 days of relapse and self effort, I joined the accountability group created by @persona2903 (Who i am deeply grateful for), and started make daily journals.

After much contemplation and revelation I received in my 10 day retreat i came up with 10 Disciplines and made my #1 purpose in life to stick to this the best i could.

These 10 disciplines have formed from the depth of my agony and pain, and they became the light in to my experience to empower me.

THE TEN DISCIPLINES:

1. Connect To Silence at 3 am -5 am (tracking every day i would sleep and wake up with pen and paper ) Many days I would go back to sleep for 2-3 hours again (5 to 7 or 8) but waking up in the silence hour and connecting to God in silence has been a 'secret healer' it is hard to describe but it works for me. I now changed it to 3 am as felt inspired by Sadguru about 3:40 am being a special time.
   
   
2. Meditation/Alone Time (1 hour morning and 1 hour at night, vipassana) + Pausing, relaxing for 1-5 minutes for 10-25 times per day, breathing to remember a prayer and to remember my oneness with my spiritual source. As much as possible taking Silence Days on Sundays. I speak to no one, and zero work or entertainment. Only focus is to evolve my awareness to who i am, what god is, and how to live more lovingly.
   
   
3. No PMO - Daily check in here, helping other brothers, and being in the energy of NoFap and service.
   
   
4. Fasting - Started with Daniel fast, then tried to have more veggies, organic and healhty food. Avoiding/limiting sugar, candies, salty chips no alcohol, smoking, or other toxins. Plus intermittent fastings (Eating form 7am to 3pm, or eating from 4pm to 9pm *current* ) When emotional pain would come, or strung temptations, I would do a more intense fast were I would only drink Juice or just a 24-48 hour water fast which is a killer! (and so blissful)
   
   
5. Hour of power - Reading (20min) / 40 min Running/Workout, while focusing on what i'm grateful for, imagining a better future, speaking empowering words to myself. ( "I am strong. I am confident. I love my life" and so on...)
   
   
6. Radical Forgiveness - Never holding on to resentments, Instantly letting go of all grudges, small or big. In addition praying and blessing our enemies, and those who annoy us after each meditation morning and night and through the day. Resentments are like atomic bombs in our way of life, need to be washed with pure waters forgiveness.
   
   
7. Tithing - giving 10% of all income to a selfless cause from gratitude, this must be done in secret. not a show off, there should be no direct benefit to me for giving this money from thankfulness. I was inspired by the book 4 Spiritual Laws of Prosperity. Experience showed me this is the only way to live because the remaining 90% of the money is blessed and I feel I am under an invisible protection.
   
   
8. SMART goals and action - Creating specific, measurable, attainable goals and tracking my progress towards them. Usually starting the year with writing 10 goals, and focusing on top 5. each week reviewing our goals and trying to accomplish the best we can.
   
   
9. Mastermind - Taking initiative to bring a small group of people together on a weekly bases to help each other (as thought in the book the law of success by Napoleon Hill)
   
   
10. Self less service - Doing some act of kindness however small or great in secret.

After some times doing these 10 I started to feel a shift.

First I got a new minimum wage plus commission sales job.

I hated the job and almost quiet after 3 days but decided to see it like my 10 day meditation at vipassana, that after 3 days I almost left, but because I stuck with it, i had a breakthrough.

After a few days at this job, I started to feel really good again, felt my confidence come back.

I started to feel really confident because I knew i am living my most disciplined life, even though externally and financially i wasn't so much better, i was feeling changed from the inside, mainly based on how I was waking up and focusing on my attention on doing "The next right thing" ... "one day at a time".

After about 90 days Covid hit, but thankfully I had already been looking for a better job, I had a good friend who helped me with my job searched and I learned how to tweak my profile and was able to land a better job.

While i was at the sales job I was approached by someone who offered me a new job with the highest salary i Have ever had in my life in management position. (Miracle)

Then about 6 months after, I got another job with potential for higher pay and more flexibility and now I am full-time self employed.

it's been about 1.5 yrs since then, I now have a very simple and efficient home by myself, where I can sleep , meditate, workout and work from home.

I live exactly where I wanted to live.

I am working on a very inspiring project with a co-founder building a global community of people who want to expand their perspective and create success and meaning in their lives.

I am living with more self control. Tracking finances, sleep, food and limiting other time wasters.

Again i'm far from perfect but I am finding a new level of inner power to do what I say I want to do, like never before.

Compared to others I am nothing special, but compared to where I was a year and a half ago, i feel extremely blessed.

Another point, worth mentioning, during the last 1.5 yrs I saved the most money, paid the most debt, been consistent on living on budget, and now have the most savings I have had since the past 5 years.

I would say I feel really good about 80% of the time, there is the 20% when I feel lonely, frustrated, agitated, and lustful, where as before it was the other way around (80% lustful/depressed/lonely and 20% happy)

Urgets can come at any time, but now i have a higher awareness which enables me to drop on my knee and ask for help, take a cold shower, or go meet a friend instead.

Almost every Sundays (today) I take time off from all financial concerns or pleasures of relationships, and i put my focus on rising my awareness of what I am and deepening my bond to myself.

It is hard to describe but it seems like after this time, I am learning how to be very content being by myself, which I have never in my life felt before. (EVER)

***

Reading my journal from the previous years I see a huge positive shift on how well I feel, but I would be lying to say I am blissful all the time.

but I'm learning to go into the loneliness, and the loneliness it self is becoming a motivation for me to deepen my spiritual awareness of the inner bliss...

Having said I am walking on raisers edge, meaning any day i can fall to temptation and relapse, but I also feel there is an invisible hand of grace protecting me.

As my relationship with women, the past 1.5. yr i had plenty of opportunities to get in relationships but I avoided it (perhaps partly by choice and partly because no one really captured my attention in a deep way)

Ironically I have now more 'close' female friends than I have had in my entire life who I can call, talk to and hang out with.

I recently started to work with a coach and since I have been meeting girls all the time and playing around with FB dating.

And I'm opening myself to a new partner who will be in alignment t my long term vision with my work and as well as matching my love for Truth, God, Meditation and freedom.

After much contemplation my new commitment is to avoid having sex for the first 6-12 months of my next relationship to cultivate deeper connection, and if i do have sex again, It will be with retention, or conscious choice of number of total ejaculation per year and never giving myself free pass to have as much as as I like with my partner, because experience showed me it leads to coolage effect and in my case self destruction.)

I also realized I could never really love a woman before, until I was able to come to a measure of freedom from compulsion over sex.

I feel I see women (and other people and animals) from a higher perspective, you could call it oneness or love, which makes me feel more at home and connected, wherever I go.

I hope this share inspires someone on some level.

Feel free to ask any questions.

 

Thank you! Great to read your posts also nad nice to connect

 

Hey man great catch on reading between the lines,

As i was writing the post I literally wrote down "I feel a little scared to even consider having sex..."

The thing really inspired me to do this is I go to a retreat which is more buddhist and i'm now qualified to do a longer sit (20 days) which requires you don't have casual sex and only sex within a context of a relationship, this shows stability and enables one to be able to go deep into meditation.

On the other hand i noticed I'm all or nothing, so if i have sex then i'm all in, and sometimes my mind takes over and wants to control and manage to establish depth and connection so I can finally move on with other areas of my life.

Which as I type this I see is the wrong way to see it, I know the right way is to be patient, and let things unfold on its own timing.

The other reason is when I have sex, its so easy to overlook all the other faults or issues, because the monkey mind is getting what it wants, and perhaps i would be willing to endure unfit/immature company for sometime in order to get sex, but when the sex is off the table, I wont have the patient to spend months with someone who I don't resonate with , which then filters out unfit partners.

The other reason i'm hesitant is because of how good iv been feeling and how my life is expanding, and curious as to what else is possible and how good would i feel if i just keep transmuting.

On the other hand I know a knife that gets too sharp can become doll and I must avoid getting too anal/mental about it.

Also reading Gandhi's auto biography, or studying lives of RamaKrishna and books like the bliss of the celibate, as well as other books like Cupid's poisoned arrow, has invoked my curiosity to explore this other way of life which is more uncommon.

 

lol cool story man.

It's great to connect with someone like you who I have so much in common with.

Im inspired by your capacity to transmute and not ejaculate, and remaining calm definitely inspiring, though i would be curious what would be the long term effect of this?

I trust you will be fine, but for the purpose of argument sake I add many of the vices (like smoking, eating junk food, drinking etc) feel good for the short term, but the long term they cause suffering.

I do agree though because the intention of what we do is what sets the karma, so if the intention is wholesome and loving, the fruits of it will be whole some and loving.

so perhaps if the sex happens as a genuine expression of love in the moment, without craving and manipulation and anxiety, then it feels good to me, and to avoid having sex from the fear of the past doesn't feel too good because it is coming from fear.

The danger though is the temptation to ejaculate, and it is like living on the raisers edge.

 

A friend sent this video I thought its a good perspective on this topic by Sadguru,

In summary, every action of mind and body leaves an impression (memory/samskara) and it has a reaction in our mind/body karma - so when we have sex with others, ejaculation or not, there is more complexities and karma (for better or worst) is being create, this idea resonates to me.

PS. I appreciate your perspective and sharing your truth, as it is inspiring me to research and to discover my highest truth

 

So grateful to hear this!

 

Hey man thank you for your comment and love your question.

This topic is so dear to my heart so I will answer it few different ways. I know its hard to understand what i mean so bare with me as I try to explain it in few dif ways.


1- The thought of the person may continue to arise in our awareness, and each time, we use it to bless them, and open our heart towards them, Initially we may feel negative inside and feel upset as to why are we not over it yet, but this is may not be so helpful.

I find it more helpful to remember the minute we prayed "god forgive them for they know not what they do" the work is done, the decision is made, the rest is the after effect of our own ego, which we just keep re-affirming our own decision.


2 - Forgiveness on the first level is when we choose to let go of another person's fault, because they have done something wrong/bad to us, that is the first layer, which is great, and helpful and we all need it - but this is the kindergarten level, as I'm learning from the books like "the disappearances of the universe' as well as ' A course in miracles' forgiveness is much deeper than this level, at a deeper level, we are forgiving another not for what they have done, but for what they never did.


On the level of story line, my ex cheated on me and she left me for another guy, she was not honest and she put my life in danger, on another level, i am lost in the story of my personality and in truth there is no me or her, there is only the ONE, so the deeper forgiveness work is to see that I am lost in the drama of my life, and I am holding another character in my dream prisoner of a wrong which was orchestrated by my own ego.

Another way to understand this is to image you are deep asleep and you are dreaming about some one putting a knife in your stomach and wanting to hurt you, you are so angry and frustrated, but then you have this inner awakening that you are actually in your bed sleeping, and the story is a dream in your mind, and the person is made up by your own mind, so do you really need to forgive the fictional character for what he did? No you only forgive your self for getting upset over an imaginary story, for what the character never really did because it has no existence separate and apart from your own consciousness/mind.


I am not saying the normal forgiveness is not valid and I had to struggle with the deeper forgiveness for sometime until it has clicked for me, but if your not there, don't force it just play with the idea,

Another thing that has been super helpful is what i learned from my teacher mystical healer Joel Goldsmith, who has been my #1 teacher in the past 4 years through his youtube videos (he is no longer alive) what he thought me is that there are situations which are seeming beyond our capacity to forgive, those cases we ask God to forgive for us, so our prayer is "father I want to let go of this grudge and negativity that this person has caused me, but I keep noticing myself holding on to anger, so father please forgive him for me, and forgive me too for being so arrogant." If we speak with this spirit of humility as if we are on bending knees, the heart opens and miracles happens as we becoming the light of the world.


3. The other 'technique' i have successfully used with painful forgiveness scenarios is to form a habit of forgiving our enemies morning and night after meditation.

Usually when we feel really happy and good, lets say after a good meditation, or workout, or walk in nature, when we feel super blissed out, we bring to mind the people who have harmed us, and we remember him and pray that our joy be shared with him, we pray that this inner bliss we feel be shared with him even to a measure and we 'try to' mean what we say.


4. Another cool thing to do is to imagine him as a baby/child. Children are so cute, like a puppy dog, they can spit in your face and you will laugh and forgive them, the truth is most of the people who have done us wrong, are children inside, and we can imagine them on how they were when they were little, and perhaps went through personal trauma, which is the cause of them doing us harm, because no happy person would ever cause harm to another.

Only those who are suffering cause suffering to others, knowing this can open our heart through compassion, remembering that they too are having a very challenging painful life and are worthy of mercy. Same as ourselves we can fall to temptation and be selfish and do stud shit any moment, and we want others to forgive us, so we remember ourselves these and we pray for our enemy every day and over time gradually we can see them and feel genuine love for them but may take some time.

Lastly I share, your WILLINGNESS to forgive your enemy it self is the evidence that you are being pulled by God / Grace, and it is a miracle in itself.

In our own ego we would never want to forgive our enemy, so knowing this should be a source of comfort, gratitude and being humbled.

 

Hey man!

Thank you for your comment and resonate with your reminder to not make decisions that undermine my own integrity, such a good call.

I know you are just sharing your experience and nothing personal towards our brother @modern milarepa, who is sharing his truth with us.

I feel this is really cool that we are bunch of guys coming together, sharing our most private lives in such vulnerable way and we each have our own unique perspective and it helps each of us to choose better choices.

To be honest I am not really even sure what i'm doing is the ultimate answer, because I do have teachers like Dr. David R hawkins who has talks on sex and how high quality sex can arise from the heart, in that sex there is no need for ejaculation, which sounds like something @modern milarepa is able to do naturally.

I do know having sex from the energy of lust, craving creates complications.

On the physical level, I do agree (and experienced to a measure) that interaction with women when done correctly without addiction and attachment, for a house holder (vs monks) can be healthy and a source of rejuvenation.

The challenge is though orgasim is such a strong urge in many of us, and the discipline to avoid O is of the highest.

As my teacher Rupert Spira once responded to me (when I was arguing with him about a point) Just follow your deepest wisdom that you know in this moment and that will be the best approach for you.

What is good for me can be bad for you now, and vice versa.

We just have to be very honest with ourselves and to listen and ask from our depth of our soul for guidance.

This is another reason i usually take the sundays off for going deep within, because many times i have these 'crazy good ideas' and I do a silence day only to find out it was a terrible idea.

LIke few weeks ago i had this idea, about having Polly relationship. My reasoning was that life is about experiments. Many of my biggest most painful mistakes, resulted in my biggest breakthroughs and expansions.

But my realization was, those mistakes were made when i was unconscious of the consequences, now I have had a measure of awakening, and I know more on what I feel is resonating, and i wouldn't want to do any thing that is not in alignment to my soul.

I am now aware that if a decision makes me excited or fearful it is not it,
If an idea /decision brings peace and opens my heart it feels like something I am willing to explore and move towards.

Ultimately I can't live afraid of making a mistake, we can just do the best we can each day, and when we fall as we all do at some point, we get up , lick our wounds and try again.