Childhood Bullying , No Confidence, Depression - Recoverable??

Please Help me out.. Currently I m in worst situation of my life...PLEASE READ IT I know its long But Ur reply Will help me... PLEASE PLEASE REPLY

My Story - In childhood I was short highted, shorter than my smaller Cousins.. And everyone used to say I m short looks like a baby... That used to hurt me then , even my activities were more childish than my age.. and everyone used to say that and it affected my Confidence... THEN One day I found masturbation, it felt amzing , And on the very first day I fapped 8- 10 times ( that was something I found amazing , as it was just found ) .I was probably 13 years old . And since then I was fapping like 5-6 times daily untill year age of 22 when i found nofap in 2018... and in those years I turned out to be Socially nervous, No confidence to do anything , unemployed , No confidence to get oit from my house , have only a few friends , Cant make relationship to any other person.. Cant even look women in eyes. Still feeling same like in childhood but Now people say I dont do anything to earn... , I cant tell them That I dont even have confidence to get out from my house , forget about earning..... ... THEN i found Nofap in 2018 and been on numerous streaks some were long like 4- 5 months .. But after every relapse I used to binge like 8-10 times that day then start again...I thought nofap will cure everything If i go on a long streak... Than In december 2019 relapseing after 143 days noPMO.. I binged and that binge became 3 months long and I used to fap 10- 12 times daily ..i used to fap and thing I will start in evening then in evening I think to start in morning and in between I used to fap compulsively... I was tensed in this then came COVID 19 .. which caused me alot of stress.. I used to fear my parents will have covid and Everything will end... And due to it I went to doctor he gave me medication for stress to take for 10 days.. that stress went away...But I was Still fapping Compulsively...which was frustrating me .. i was fapping without me wantiing to fap , I was doing because I wanted to have perfect start befre streak amd that start led me to 9 months long binge with insanely excessive fapoing And on last day before my current streak I fapped 24 times.. and since AUGUST 2020 I m on nofap... I m almost 300 days Streak .. But depressed same as last year... I had not smiled genuinly since last year... I am isolating my self socially... because I dont want to come in front of anyone... Beacuse I cant smile ... I m faking my smile and it looks wierd.. in between I was severly depressed after knowing my Mother's kidney disease. but that feeling went after 8-10 Days when I cried infront of my cousin brothers and they supported me .. But THAT Feeling of Depression and brain fog is still with me. , I cant laugh..I Cant remember any story, I feel like derealization...
and today I told my mother about my depression....

I m fearing if I will have to be on medication for all my life .. I m 26 now.... .. I m fearing If it is clinical depression or Dysthymia then Its Not curable... What should I do...??? PLEASE HELP ME. ... U wont believe how much I will be relieved by ur reply

 

PLEASE ANYONE REPLY

 

The fact that I m unable to laugh making me think i have some chemical imbalances... and having on medication for life is fearing me... I have googled alot.. and there r people saying Clinical depression Or others like Dystymia Is not Curable permanently and only medication is option... And when my family doctor Prescribed the medicine for 10 days.. which was Benzodiazepine + SSRI combination.. And When I Quit after 10 days.. I was again back to SAME depression.. I last took that meds 2 weeks ago.. and when I was taking them I was normal and hopeful and NOW i m here again.. Hopless , Depressed, Unable to laugh or smile... THATS what fearing me that I can only survive on medicines forever

 

I became little hopeful from ur reply..... I believe in therepy. after seeing everyone supporting it.. And actually I want to be cured From therepy Only...... But problem is My father will take me to Our family doctor first.. And I cant Open all these things to him.. Its too embarrasing ..

I was also thinking to take antidepressent for like 1 year and within this time I correct all the things which are causing me depression... like my unemployment and Confidence issues, inferiority complex etc.. and then After working on these thing I quit antidepressent after 1 year.... Is it Right approach???

 

My low confidence is because I dont earn , I m 26 years old and hadnt earned a single penny ever, because of my lack of confidence while speaking to anyone.due to social anxiety and self conciousness . What I was asking is .. Is it right approach that if I start antidepressent for depression and anxiety and when I m on medication it will be easier to talk to people and in between this period I try to earn money and when I improve my self esteem then gradually quit My medication.... Is it right idea??

 

Thank u brother.. these replies and helping hands are making me hopeful ...

.. Even though I doubt CBT.. may be its just belief because I never been there I want to go to therapist for my Social anxiety , and low self steem which causing me depression... But Its a big Taboo in my family to express these feelings to anyone , I cant even Tell my friends, they all think I m rich ,so I cant be depressed But in reality my family is poor But my uncles family is rich and We live in same house So everyone think I m also rich.. My other family members are very social , and only me and my father is Socially nervous, Unemployed , He lived same like me living now He earned his living by support of my uncle..,I feel I dont belong to my family ,Because I m not like them , And all my cousins want me to be like them Social and earning , I want to be like that But

yesterday I confessed my mother about my depression , she told me to go to our family doctor, But I cant tell about social anxiety.... And Social anxiety is only curable through therapy.... And If i go secretly there then all the asignment and homework file of Tharapy will be in my house and I cant hide it ( I dont know if symtomps are also written) ... Thats why I was thinking to start antidepresent and work on self improvement myself then Quit the medicine after 1 year through Tapering the dose

 

I love u guys for giving me hope... .. I will definetly try to do these exercises....

I m already taking fishoil since last 3 months & Did Guided Wim Hof breathing+ cold shower for 2 months and when I saw no result I quit

 

Ok I will go to CBT therapy.... I also think I need medication because of my physical issues like..Weight loss, Muscle twitching etc.. all are due to stress ..... Thank you for ur support

 

Thank You .. I love u all

 

I m Fearing if I have DYSTHYMIA ( persistence depression) , Because Since more than one year I havent enjoyed anything, Never laughed, Hopeless, And 3-4 Severe Depressive episode for 8-10 Days... , I know my depression started last year after Covid fear But my Binge PMOing and unable to start again was causing me depressed . and I m still in that depressive situation even after 10 months no pmo streak,.I am terrified that I might have DYSTHYMIA