The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 0 - I MO'd yesterday, no P or P-subs. I had really bad brain fog and I could not focus a darn bit. While I know that it is not good to MO to clear the brain fog (as it can also lead to more down the road), I had been thinking a lot about my best friend with whom I am in love, and realize I find her really attractive (go figure). Anyway, she and I both have feelings for each other and she is the first to say that other than no physical intimacy or labels, we are already dating. Anyway, what lead to me acting out is that I am going over to her parents place for the weekend as she is dog sitting for her parents while they were out of town, and that is exciting, but there is no intention to take our relationship to the next level, just yet. Anyway, that stirred up some desires to be physically intimate with her, and so I MO'd to the thought of intimacy with her. It felt both wrong and right. It felt right because I know she is the one I want to be with, but it felt wrong because she is not my girlfriend yet, and even if she was, I would not want to fantasize about her, at least not while MO'ing.

So question to the crowd, I know that we are PMO addicts here, but has anyone here fantasized about a partner or someone who will probably be their partner down the road, and especially, have they MO'd to thoughts of being with that person? I feel like it is better than looking at P or P-subs or fantasizing about being in a porno, but still I do not know how I feel about this. Sex has always been dehumanizing to me from years of porn use and this is the first time I have someone in my life that I love, with whom sex seems like it could be an extension of the relationship instead of the only thing there, and I have a hard time separating what is lust and what is genuine human emotion because lust has dominated my life for so long. I do not intend to MO again (though I have said that before), and I intend to be the perfect gentleman with her this weekend, and when I am with her, my blood pressure goes up, blood goes to my groin, and yet I am not thinking about sex, I am just thinking about how wonderful she is as I look into her eyes. My body is turned on by her even though I am focusing on her words and memorizing her face.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 3
Stronger urges today but nothing too extreme.Did a good workout today and i am increasing the time of my cold showers.Slowly but surely climbing out of the hole!

 

Lets start with what pride is-its a feeling of self esteem based not on what we are but on what we temporarily have and it can be anything not only purely material possessions and we know that we have a pride when someone threatens or in anyway messes with them. For some it can be their car, their garden, their strong body, their skills and for others it maybe their nationality, race or even honesty. We get attached to the possessions and we are all wrath-aggressive-defensive-indignant in our attempt to protect these possessions if anyone or anything messes with them. And it-Pride is going to stay with us until we stop believing and acting out of the great lie of separateness. Am I guilty of pride-yes of course, it slips in our heart with the growing number of days on the counter, with accomplishments achieved due to us stopping wasting time on pmo, with thinking that we are somewhat better and deserving more than the other people who just enjoy lust to their health content. You see it doesn't avoid detection in my mind but often it controls me in the way pmo did before. I somehow dislike clinging to pieces when main part is lost, I like wholeness and last time for me it started with fishing went into long-M-edging and at this point I consciously watched porn to stop myself clinging to the pieces of PMO. Just sounds wrong when the challenge is no PMO and when failed to still cling to your pride's possession of number of days by deviously changing counter from pmo to p. I guess my undetected pride is in the way I did it, something about being whole a least as I see it.

 

Bro, you like playing with the fire !

 

Bro the thing you are missing for your T to bring you results is the good accountability on your quite often relapses. If you will account for every relapse you have in format:
1)What were the circumstances of it? What was the emotional state before and when it happened?
2)What was the effect on you and your situation in life?
3)Imagine yourself back before your last relapse and think- What would you do(=plan of actions) to prevent it from happening?
...this will help you to skyrocket in the number of clean days.

 

Checking in

Sorry I've been gone so long. I just had a total collapse last week (week and a half ago?). It was bad. It was caused partly by stress, but partly by the completion of a stressful task. Once I'd finished it, I didn't quite know what to do with myself and the temptations had been hitting hard.

My brain fog is really bad and that's why this post is a little vague and disorganized. I'm still coming back to clarity. I've been clean since Monday, but to be honest, I've been so disgusted with myself and burned out on internet in general that I couldn't bring myself to report in until now.

So again, my apologies for going MIA. Next time (God forbid) I will report a reset/relapse ASAP.

I've just gotta get out of this pattern, it is complete sh*t and a drain on my life essence. I am an orc once again.

 

Day 19

 

another day-meditation,long tiring run a bit of studying and 2 cold showers
..and a new haircut

 

That's what I figured, and obviously it is a reset, but I had to see what everybody thought. I was having more urges to MO this morning so I meditated instead and the urges went away. Now I am headed to a friends house. We hang out every few weeks and play video games, watch TV, and talk politics with him and his mom. They are basically my second family.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

I am Elf now. Update my rank. @RiseToGreatness

 

I would not say I like playing with fire, but I would agree that I am. I find that I start making excuses on how MO is not P or P-subs, but in reality it is still not real. It is not intimate, and ultimately, it can be destructive. I am now 15 hours clean, and I am ready to get past 4 days without MO. I am worried about urges to peek or PMO as MO tends to lead to that, but if I can get past day 4, I should do better.

 

Thank You!

I'm excited to be back in the arena.

 

I feel you bro but I promise, it is going to be easier after 30 days

 

68 days

 

Day 49 trod on

49 days – You reached the Doors of Durin, the West-door of Moria.

 

317 days dwarf king
392 days no PMO, semen retention

 

Thanks for sharing how pride has affected you @Slider8 . I understand that splitting the counter could be seen as not being honest, but as per my previous post you will just have to give those of us, who set our counter this way, the benefit of the doubt when it comes to our intentions.

This forum, for me, is a refuge to come to for help and encouragement. At the end of the day, we are here because we need each other. The shared experience helps us grow in self awareness which is essential for our recovery. It gives us a space to be honest about ourselves, rather than being image projectors, and Pride is the greatest image projector of all.

I would add to your post that Pride is fundamentally attachment to a false or exaggerated image of oneself, as clever, stylish, intelligent, perceptive, attractive or whatever... It includes many aspects such as envy, boasting, vanity, arrogance, hypocrisy, self-destructive habits, etc.... It sells itself as a protector of our vulnerabilities, when all the while it is preventing us from connecting to these vulnerabilities and our true selves. Pride does not like places where we are invited to be honest about ourselves, preferring instead to point out the faults of others, judging or criticising what they are doing. Pride does not like connection, but without connection, there is no recovery. Hence Pride is our greatest obstacle to connecting to ourselves, connecting to others, destroying the ring, and achieving everlasting freedom.

I say this because I have battled with my pride all my life, and it is the most sneaky of all enemies, hiding in plain sight in our own minds.
Really good it is to chat about this, because it is not really discussed anywhere else, and I do agree that it is a key part of keeping the lust addictions alive, so we'll work together and ultimately prevail against this enemy!