THE INTERSTELLAR CHALLENGE !

Hello brothers.
I actually relapsed in the weekend.
So it's day 2 for me today. Back farming.
But I actually feel really good. I do believe I have made amazing progress and a relapse does not mean I give up or even go that far back.
I'm staying positive being kind and refusing to stay down!
We will overcome my friends.

 

I appreciate the camaraderie. I am still on Day 0, in fact I MO'd about an hour ago. However, it was such a powerful session, and I will explain why. There was no porn, porn-subs, or fantasies. Just sensation. I was able to masturbate without anything but sensation, and though I am resetting to 3pm CST, I am just happy that I could experience without thinking. It gives me hope that I can have a healthy sexual life with a girlfriend/wife and not be somewhere else just to finish. I also realized that there are certain types of sex acts I am uncomfortable doing like oral and hand jobs because they remind me too much of the porn I watch, and that has ruined that for me. My family (whom I was talking to about this, as we are really open), said that I should not do anything I am uncomfortable with and that someday I may feel comfortable but not to rush things. And if I cannot have that conversation with someone I am in love with, then it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

I look forward to making it to Dr. Mann with all of you.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Let’s watch our path carefully from now on
LETS GO
Day-1

 

Also mathman. This is not the place to say how great an mo session was. This is recovery!
We are trying to avoid that type of behavior.

 

I realize that, but I was thinking of it more in terms of progress being great, not the idea that MO'ing is great, though I may have been unclear. That if why I qualified it. It was powerful because of what I did not do, not powerful in what I did do. But I realize that it came off as me saying the session itself was powerful when I MO'd. No, I did not mean it was a powerful session of MO'ing, and I should have said it lead to a powerful realization, but I misspoke, so sorry for that.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Yeah, I am realizing that to be the case. I usually do not carry my stuff with me, but this time I did so with ill intent, so it was very much intentional if not quite stupid and dangerous. Ever since my relapse before the 9 days, I was not taking my devices into the bathroom and that was great. I just happened to make the ill-advised decision to take them into the bathroom as my mind was telling me to PMO.

 

This is what I said in a different forum, and it is more about what I meant to say. Should have just copy and pasted but I did not:

 

Day 1 - I had this realization as I stood under the cold water in the shower this afternoon (I have been taking cold showers every time I take a shower and it feels great). I realized what it was about YouTube that is so triggering (and why I tend to relapse when I take my phone into the bathroom with me). It is not just the access, which of course does not, it is the fact that as I click on each new video, even ones not remotely triggering, I get a small dopamine hit, and that leads to me craving more. Now there are two ways to get more. Keep clicking on more videos, or go for the big hit and PMO or just MO. Usually when I am on my phone I PMO, at least with P-subs, and that lets lose a flood of dopamine. So one step I am taking to reduce my triggers while on YouTube is to unsubscribe from this one YouTuber who sometimes have P-subs as his thumbnails, but even when he does not, often times discusses politics that make my blood boil. And while I agree with his takes, they do raise my blood pressure, and PMO or MO is a great way to come down from that. So if I cut him out of my viewing habits as well as not watching YouTube in the bathroom (which I admit I did before my shower), I will be less likely to touch myself when I do use YouTube, which I do mindlessly on the toilet, for some reason, and I will disconnect from affiliating dopamine with masturbation and porn. I will also reduce my YouTube use to no more than an hour a day, with that hour split up into 15-20 chunks. I will allow myself to watch a longer video once a week, and I will not watch YouTube every day, perhaps only doing it 3 days a week.

I think I can stick with that for now without completely cutting it out of my life.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 2

 

Day 3

 

Day 4 brothers

 

Hey my brothers, do you still remember me? I haven't come back for a while. Exam seasons have finally ended, I didn't succeed in abstaining from porn but I keep on trying. Later when I get a part-time job, hopefully it distracts me from lust. Keep going everyone!

 

I had wondered where you had gone. You have been missed as a frequent poster to this forum.

 

Day 0 - I MO'd yesterday, no P or P-subs. I had really bad brain fog and I could not focus a darn bit. While I know that it is not good to MO to clear the brain fog (as it can also lead to more down the road), I had been thinking a lot about my best friend with whom I am in love, and realize I find her really attractive (go figure). Anyway, she and I both have feelings for each other and she is the first to say that other than no physical intimacy or labels, we are already dating. Anyway, what lead to me acting out is that I am going over to her parents place for the weekend as she is dog sitting for her parents while they were out of town, and that is exciting, but there is no intention to take our relationship to the next level, just yet. Anyway, that stirred up some desires to be physically intimate with her, and so I MO'd to the thought of intimacy with her. It felt both wrong and right. It felt right because I know she is the one I want to be with, but it felt wrong because she is not my girlfriend yet, and even if she was, I would not want to fantasize about her, at least not while MO'ing.

So question to the crowd, I know that we are PMO addicts here, but has anyone here fantasized about a partner or someone who will probably be their partner down the road, and especially, have they MO'd to thoughts of being with that person? I feel like it is better than looking at P or P-subs or fantasizing about being in a porno, but still I do not know how I feel about this. Sex has always been dehumanizing to me from years of porn use and this is the first time I have someone in my life that I love, with whom sex seems like it could be an extension of the relationship instead of the only thing there, and I have a hard time separating what is lust and what is genuine human emotion because lust has dominated my life for so long. I do not intend to MO again (though I have said that before), and I intend to be the perfect gentleman with her this weekend, and when I am with her, my blood pressure goes up, blood goes to my groin, and yet I am not thinking about sex, I am just thinking about how wonderful she is as I look into her eyes. My body is turned on by her even though I am focusing on her words and memorizing her face.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

You need to be really tough on thoughts of fantasy. If you ever want to be intimate with any one you need to be retaining. If you regularly masturbate it will make you really bad in bed.

 

Indeed. I get a lot of mixed messages on this. People on the forums say that retention is the only way to go, but in my NoFap support group, not everyone who is recovering is opposed to masturbation, though they warn again regularly doing it. I did it two days apart and that is all I plan to do, and I can see how it can interfere with being good in bed. On the other hand, (playing devil's advocate as I do intend to cut out masturbation as well as it makes me more vulnerable to using porn), men have been masturbating for millennia and I would say many still are good in bed. My point being with that, that there are better reasons to not masturbate than to not be good in bed because I do not think that the evidence supports that. It may however lead to being unable to perform if it is the only thing you know which is one reason I plan to give it up, but it is a false narrative to say that you cannot have a good sex life without being on retention. With that said, I am trying to balance the conflicting narratives on masturbation from therapists, friends, fellow porn addicts, and the NoFap forums (with anonymous porn addicts), and I am trying to find what Gary Wilson might have said on the effects of masturbation.

I should note, that I intend to give up MOing anyway, but it would be nice to back it up with science, like quitting porn is. I have three reasons for giving up MOing in addition to giving up porn:

1) I want to handle my feelings without self-stimulation.

2) I am terrified of not being able to perform in bed since I am used to very specific stimulation, and I want to move away from that.

3) MO almost always leads to PMO sooner or later.

I am not worried about being "good in bed" as few are their first time, but I am worried about being unable to perform, and that I think is more along the lines of what you are referring to, though I am not 100% sure.

Best,
Mathman1994