I can't take it anymore

I don't see any point in living my life at this moment. I feel so alone, so empty and confused. I just...don't feel like is worth it anymore to struggle with this life.

In short, I'm almost 22, never had a girlfriend or a relationship, even sex. All my sexual life has been centralized in pornography. I've always thought that I'm ugly, insecure, not good enough for a girl so I just give up on the idea of having a relationship even though I had a couple of crushes on some girls over the years.

In the last years I've watched more and more weird porn till I reached a point where I start masturbating to trans/gay porn. This was the moment where I realized how fu***d up my life has become. I start questioning my sexuality even though I was never attracted to a man in real life, but yeah I'm the type of person who overthinks everything. I seek reassurance every day for hours and hours, but the anxiety and fear is still there. My last 2.5 years have been a nightmare (health problems, depression, weight gain) and this was the cherry on top of all. I even tried to accept that I might be bisexual and this might solve out some things. But...I just can't, I can't see myself in a relationship with a man, doing the same things as I'll do with a girl. I tried to accept it, but it feels like a lie.


I'm completely done with everything. I can't live my life like this. I cry, I look to other people that I know and see how happy they are and I....I'm a failure of a man. Sometimes I think suicide is the only option. I hate what I've become.

I hope no one, even the worst of the worsts doesn't feel what I feel right now.

 

I did not have sex until I was 26, spent way too much of my teens and twenties engaged in PMO, and gratified myself to every kind of porn under the sun. There is a good chance you are straight as arrow. Or maybe you are all the way gay. It doesn’t really matter. There is something about the way porn works on the mind that makes you always want to see new and interesting things. You can read up on the science if you want but your own experience ought to be enough to convince you.

The operative question is what should you do?

The only thing you can do is change your life and make yourself the man you want to be. There is not another viable option. You will find lots of different suggestions about how to remake your life here. Hunt through the forums for someone that seems to be saying useful things and DM them with the intention of having an honest conversation about exactly how bad things are and for suggestions on what you might do to start making changes.

Take a deep breath, head to the mirror, and say the following out loud: “I am going to do what ever it takes to change my life for the better”. That’s not a bs positive affirmation, it’s a straight fact if you chose to make it one. The encouragement you need must come from within. That’s as good a way as any to start brining it to the surface.

 

Thanks for the response!

Well, I've tried multiple times in the last years to change my life, but my insecurities dragged me down. Porn was something that wasn't enjoyment, but a necessity. I needed that daily because it was the only thing that gave me some...I don't know...happiness if I can call it like that. At first, when this period of weird porn tastes started (end of 2018 - the start of 2019 if I remember correctly), well I didn't care about what I watch, I just needed a higher ,,dose'' of that feeling. It was until mid of March this year where I started to overthink things. I was very secure about my sexuality until then, even though I've watched weird things.

Till then, to be honest, my life wasn't very good, but at least I could control my anxiety and depression at some level. When all this paranoia with sexuality and confusion kicked, well...I hit a rock bottom worst than ever.

Because of my anxiety, fear and paranoia I started to check if I'm aroused by men, looking at pictures of men and women to see which I'm attracted the most. When I saw a woman I was feeling a natural attraction, but when I saw a picture with a man I didn't felt anything. I don't know why, but anxiety kicked in, after that I started to rolling scenes of porn in my head and I felt some groinal response. I freaked out badly, I started to look for reassurance for hours.

In reality, well, I feel nothing for men, but when the anxiety kicks I start to overthink and analyze everything about me and other men to see if I'm attracted. I look at the way I talk, walk, movements, past actions from years ago.

I don't know, I really don't care now, I don't care about my life. After all these years of struggle and humiliation to have this ,,revelation'' that all your life might have been a lie all along. It's too much for me.

I started losing weight because I liked a girl and I wanted to, maybe, get a chance to ask her for a date. Well, after all of this I feel like my feelings towards her might be fake.

 

[QUOTE="Garou99, post: 3022405, member: 440375]
I started losing weight because I liked a girl and I wanted to, maybe, get a chance to ask her for a date. Well, after all of this I feel like my feelings towards her might be fake.[/QUOTE]

Do it for you, not for her. Changing your life is an ongoing process. It is difficult to gain traction without proper guidance. Set little goals that snowball into bigger goals. Do it for yourself. Your success cannot depend on what a woman thinks of you.

 

I hear you!
You are describing myself of almost 40 years ago!
I am at the point in life that I don't have many choices left.
You, on the other hand, are the very beginning.
PLEASE search inside you and find the things that you like to do. Don't listen to ANYBODY but yourself.
Be objective with who you are.
If you think something you do is right, KEEP IT.
If you think something you do is wrong, DISCARD IT.
Work on improving yourself, a day at a time. NOT for the sake of anybody but your own. Because at the end of the day YOU are the one who will judge you.
I wish somebody told me these words 40 years ago.
You are 22. Look at me being 60. Laugh at me for what a loser I am. But hear me out: You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it feeling frustrated because of what A or B or C think of you. YOU ARE YOUR ONLY JUDGE THAT MATTERS. PLEASE believe this!

(A fun fact: I was a virgin until the age of 22. My first girlfriend (who fell in love with me AFTER she had a chance to get to know me, because my looks were well below average) could easily be a top model!)

 

Do it for you, not for her. Changing your life is an ongoing process. It is difficult to gain traction without proper guidance. Set little goals that snowball into bigger goals. Do it for yourself. Your success cannot depend on what a woman thinks of you.[/QUOTE]

Thanks! I will try in the next months (if I can overtake this thing with my sexuality confusion) to change something in my life. Thank you again for the message!

I looked for a therapist which is specialized in sexual problems and mental health and the next week I'll have my first meeting. I hope everything goes well.

 

Thank you for the message! I will not laugh at any person because of this reason. I've made bad choices until now, some of them were extremely bad, but for a very long time I had this ignorance in me to get through things and moving forward until now.

Now I feel very lost, empty, confused and I lost all my motivation. I will have a meeting with a therapist specialized in sexual problems and mental health. I hope everyting will go well.