Utterly lost, suicide thoughts

Hey bros, you have probably seen me whining in this forums for so long now...I am ashamed.
I don't have a particularly difficult life (I could have an endless list of good things in it), but in short I can't stop thinking, there's just little pieces of peace here and then for brief moments of the week, I don't care about anyone, I have problems (bitterness and resentment) with every person I know, got really far from my family and most of the time I feel like a ghost to my friends. Externally I have everything to be allright, but in the inside I am in a little version of hell. I don't understand why I did this with my life and why I still do it. I still live with my parents and probably can move for a few months to see if that fixes something but in general I am just in fear and in deep hate for everything. I cry almost every day like I couldn't live without it.
It has been at least eight years in situations alike this one, I've lost so much life. Sometimes I just run away from everything, make ratchets, treat people like garbage, act out, desperately beg for attention, etc...
Been on nofap for quite some years now. Recently I began excercising and eating better. That helped. Meditation really did the trick sometimes and some others it just is a methodic, automatic nonsense.
Some days it looks like it will be all like this forever, those days I just give up. I fear that I will continue ruining my life forever, keep losing friends, and not being in peace ever again but in those short moments that just go away like leaves in the wind. My mother gave up with me and I can't see her without feeling some disgust, my father just recently started having a relationship with me again and that's awesome. I have brothers and sisters but I have a wall of bricks around me when it comes to them.

I don't expect for anyone to help me really, but chatting would be nice.

 

I am.

Thanks man. I am actually about to go to a local community of people willing to help others next week.
I get what you say but what I'm fighting is the ever present feeling of that I have to run away and escape as fast as I can, with little, confusing glimpses of a very high and unreal optimism. I am on good NF streaks (ussually about two weeks each, sometimes more), and I don't look at pornography since march 2020.

Do you have some example? I recently dropped videogames and I think that made a good change.

I have been under professional help for most of my life, most of the time that helped for nothing.
I am not arguing the contrary, I feel like an effing child but man, you are on the spot, I don't know how to handle this.

 

I don't even know what is the main problem but that's good advice. I have been with anxiety issues for many years now.
I think I wrote an update on that post. After that night I got covid so I went into lockdown for two weeks (great timing). She texted me many days in the morning and I was really happy about knowing about her more and more, and that she was also coming to me. When those two weeks ended she told me she started to see a girl she liked and started dating her, and that this other girl wasn't into poliamorous relationships or something. I felt like shit and thought it was a lie but it was actually true all along. I kept in touch and tossed some coins to her, tried to get close anyways and told her how I felt towards her more openly, my bets were in vain, she will still be with this girl for the time being, but said that doesn't want to lose touch with me and that actually likes me back, anyways.
I am in doubt about that last part nowadays... Anyway, if I don't fix the fuck out of my emotional shit I'm doomed in any situation that could happen.

 

What do you mean

 

You think I would be into too much competition?

 

I may. Sports always helped. I move a little everyday, last year I had started swimming and that REALLY helped but then covid striked.
Thank you. I also thank you for saying a harsh truth to me. I have been like a kid most of my life. I would really have liked things to be different but this is the personality I encounter today and when I try to force a change it doesn't work.

I never felt anything different driking it. Did you read other posts of mine talking about it? but no, I'm not driking much of it. I do drink coffee more.

I didn't even slept with her. I thought I could keep that anyway. Maybe that's a wrong step, I don't know.

 

Thank you all who responded and the ones who contacted me in DM. I am doing way better. While I still deal with an umpleasant way of living, your responses helped me to overcome a really dark moment.

I will continue with therapy, sports and, most importantly, meditation, which is the thing that gets me going lately.

 

That's great advice once channeled. But beware the effects of training it for automation and restlessness.
I am struggling with a short and explosive attention span (15 years of internet since young age, I fucked up my nervous system).
My job is helping me with that a lot. However, I get it really difficult to just get it idle. It seems to have a life of its own and most of the time I DON'T want to follow its demands.
Sports and heavy physical consuming activities like swimming helped me with that a LOT. I should go back to it if pools are open again.

 

Bros some days it all goes downhill. I am scared of keeping fucking my life up forever. Theres so much going on in my head, imaginary dooms coming on and off and I know they are fake but I it also feels like that's what I am.
I need a restart button, I want my life back.