The Lord of the Rings Challenge

6 days. Played football (or soccer, for my American friends out there) with my friends instead of running. Did the push-ups + sit-ups as well, and I woke up strong today for I have now become a Uruk-hai.

 

Brother I understand exactly how you feel, I have been there.... This what you are going to do, when you do fall don't be ashamed or feel guilty... Believe God loves you and because he does... Don't go out into any kind of guilt trip,.... ITS A BIG TRAP OF THE DEVIL!!! Stay happy with your self... Workout, stay happy and positive please

 

Checking in day 5 - Uruk-Hai
Started to fish on Saturday, stopped myself, continued working, started to fish again a bit longer this time, stopped myself again, put on a documentary about a football manager, and snapped out of the state of mind I was in and saw clearly how weak, dishonest, poisonous and snakelike Fishing is. I have not Fished since and I am committed to not Fish again.

Now that I am over the chase period and am an Uruk-Hai, I at least have some strength to do the crash analysis of my last relapse below:

1. Describe the last relapse you experienced...describe the crash site in vivid detail(when, where, triggers, nature of acting out, length of time).

I had crashed with Fishing & MO in May after a 5 month streak of avoiding all triggering content, and had reached 3 weeks after that crash when the dopamine and testosterone, etc.... came back with a vengeance. Was having obsessive thoughts about a couple of old friends which lead to fishing for a time. Therapy sessions had ended and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, and so got more obsessive until the fishing eventually lead to P.

2. What did the start of the downward spiral look and feel like?
this relapse had its beginnings in the end of the 5 month streak in April
Chase effects - big change in my therapy cadence - fear - increased interactions with couple of old friends reminiscing about old times etc...

a. List the last three weeks of your Faster Scale results. What was the lowest level you reached each week prior to relapse?

very lonely craving for intimate connection

b. In detail, describe the Double Binds you were struggling with during those three weeks.

desire to be with people due to loneliness, but the negative influence these encounters were having

c. Why do you think you never resolved those Double Binds so you could get off the Faster Scale and return to Restoration?

I was afraid of avoiding those people, as I would have to face and connect with myself alone

I convinced myself that being alone was worse than being with people with triggers

3. What accelerated the downward plunge?

What is triggering these urges was the chase period of the Orc state, which I feel has passed now, and interactions with a group of friends who speak in innuendo a lot. I am committed now to directing conversation away from innuendo, as cutting off friends just seems to increase loneliness which leads to worse urges for now.

a. What were your Commitments to Change during those three weeks?

I do feel the commitments were strong, but I left windows open to the possibility intimate connections with others

b. Why did you give up on the Commitment to Change that could have pulled you out of the downward spiral?

Same as above, I did not cut out the source of the triggers

d. Why didn’t you call a group member for help when you were headed into the ground?

I posted here but the discussion was more a debate on counters, than what was going on internally

e. What were the triggers that set you up?

Innuendo talk and obsessive thoughts

f. What boundaries did you ignore or willfully violate?

talking openly with friends about sexual frustration

4. What lessons did you learn from this relapse?

Regain self respect and dignity
Stop fantasising about intimate connections with old friends
Say NO when a Fishing temptation arises (thanks @Mathman1994 for your posts on stopping temptation at its source - very helpful)

5. If you experience multiple relapses what is the common pattern in your relapses?

I've had 2 in the last month and the pattern is
Feel lonely, bored, trapped
Allow thoughts of intimacy with old friends
Fish on possibilities
Move through progressive Fishing until reaching P images
Move from P images to P videos

6. What new guidelines do you need to put into place with respect to: Sleep, Exercise, Media usage, Your tendency to isolate, Others

Early to bed early to rise
Intense training plan for the next 6 weeks
No Media unless vetted by commonsense media first (this is essential for next 90 days at a min)
Seek to have dignified conversations with friends and steer away from innuendo (change the subject, etc...)

7. What is your plan for the next time you find yourself in a similar pattern of relapse?

If bored, stuck, under pressure - build in rewards to the tasks
Stay on top of tasks (using Getting Things Done) so there is less pressure
If thoughts arise - STOP them in their tracks redirect the thoughts or just stop and watch something uplifting to break
If I get caught out with thoughts, and temptations to Fish arise STOP them at the source and again do something to engage - I think at this stage, stepping away from the device and even going outside is the key
If Fishing happens, stop it and post here for full accountability with plan to recover by reviewing the crash plan and renewing decisions to change and stop lust forever

 

Day 105 no PMO. Good day overall. Got
outside for a bit to enjoy the weather and watched a nice family show with the kids. Today I’m taking my oldest to sleep away camp. It will be a tough few days without my little sidekick.

 

Who knows brother maybe it's for the best ?
Try to see it from a different point of view:
For example: You were supposed to die in that car in some car accident down the time line but God acted through those people and saved you. Would you more like to be with your car and dead or live and kicking but without it? Would this help you to forgive them?
Hope this will help you to feel better !

 

Maybe its because you are not learning your lesson from falls?
Try to write a detailed accountability here on the circumstances that led to relapses, what were the triggers, when did you feel that you given up and fallen before the fall. Have a look at the way @crazyhorse11 wrote his accoutability to have an idea. If you keep these in secret-private, to yourself they gonna stay with you and you are bound to keep repeating them....well that's how I see it.
Hope it will help you to straighten yourself up and rise.

 

Day 181 no PMO! I have completed two full 90 day resets at this point. My first 90 days was stronger than the second but I still feel like I made progress in the second. I had some fantasizing in the second 90 days but other than that I managed to stay clean. I am starting to wonder if the temptations and cravings ever go away. Over the last month or two I have had some cravings to watch porn. I have found that I am much stronger now and am able to let the cravings pass. I am pushing ahead!

 

There is place for everything and you supposed to feel ashamed and guilty it's a natural state after committing a crime, directly against yourself and indirectly against those you come into contact with. Before you can leave shame and guilt behind there is an important step which many are omitting and thinking it's OK. No, it is NOT. This step is to repent, to feel remorseful for what you did , make a firm commitment to never do it again and ask God for forgiveness, ask yourself for forgiveness ask those who were affected by it for forgiveness. Only then can you leave shame and guilt behind, and start building a new life from THAT moment on.
How would you feel if your friend asked you for money or gift and promised to pay you back later but instead didn't pay you back when promised , used those money for drugs and later come to you to ask for more money thinking that you have forgotten, forgiven and trust him again without any repentance and apology for his actions. Would you trust him again?
Psalm 51
15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.

16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

 

It's a life-long fight brother where lust is only waiting for you to relax your vigilance to attack and finish you off.
Stay on your guard no matter how many days you have.

 

Glad you are back brother !Good accountability ! What practices do you do on daily basis to keep yourself on track?

 

328 days dwarf king
403 days no PMO, semen retention

 

*POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*

The infamous urge that has been worring me for the past couple of days was to look for escorts.Transgender escorts...
I never had sex before neither with a girl nor with a ts.But i wartched a lot of ts porn.That fetish was my poison of choice for the last god knows how many years.Porn,self pleasuring fantasies you name it.It just had to involve a transwoman...
Today my will finally broke.Four days of resisting had me weakend.So i started browsing...Found two escort that "suited my taste" and started ringing like a maniac.Both didnt answer and i just kept ringing every twenty minutes.Feeling even more like a degenerate freak after writing this...Anyway after many attempts one of them answered.I tried booking immediatly but she was busy and i had to wait for two hours.I stayed at home for a while then went outside for the last 40 minutes.I was walking aimlessly thinking about what i am doing,should i do it...It almost felt like purgatory...But the last 40 minutes passed...I was at the given adress.
She welcomed me inside.I was scared,nervous and confused.I drank a shot of wisky and she asked me for the money.It wasnt that little of a sum for my standards.I was so hesitant if i should give the money.I thought of walking away again but after a few moments i proceded...Gave her the cash and we started undressing.I got hard at the moment but when she started to..penetrate me... it felt sooo wrong.Not the excitement and the extasy and "liberation" i was expecting but pure dread...After maybe a minute i stopped her.I wasnt enjoying it one bit.I was disgusted.My mind shattered.I asked her to go the bathroom and took a quick cold shower and washed myself.Long story short i appologized, left her all the cash (had a quick thought about a refund but decided against it) and went back home...
While i was outside before the encounter i thought to myself that this is it.ROCK BOTTOM...but still did it.After all that happened i admit that yes i AM at rock bottom.But... i learned a valuable truth about myself down here.I am NOT atracted to real transwomen.The long years of porn have pleagued my brain into the thinking so.I AM A STRAIGHT GUY.The ethernal question was answered.Now what...
Escorts were a major thought of mine and the reason for many of my last resets.Now i dont want to do this thing ever again.EVER! So its only porn left...I dont know what my next urges will be like.Usually they always started about thinking about the real thing.Now i know i hate the real thing.The next few weeks will tell i guess.I think...i just overcame my fetish.The only good think about beeing at rock bottom is that there is only one way...and it is UP!

I am pretty sure thats all i have to say.A realy long post and a really strange day.
I am feeling so confused right now...I am going to meditate for a while.Get my thoughts straight and create a plan for my now not so clear future.

PS
I reset my counter even tho after all of that i didnt M,P or even O.Ironic...
Anyways back in the orc cave.
Best of luck Felloship!Stay strong!

 

I am sorry you hit rock bottom. At least now you're forced to change your plans in life in order to not stay at the bottom.

During my last streak I was also entertaining fantasies about fetishes as well as entertaining thoughts about going to prostitutes, and I think that captures a problem here. Namely the problem that my mind was not set for healing in my streak, it was set for more perversion. As my sex drive became stronger, my mind only got more and more perverted. I now focus not only on abstaining from PMO but also being aware of my thoughts and fantasies. They come up here and there, and I'm trying to learn to observe them in order to steer them away and start thinking about something else. Just wanted to share this with you because we might have similar problems (disregarding the particular fetishes involved). I also got to the point where I browsed on escort sites which I realise now is a big no-no. It's more or less the same as watching porn in my book, and it will lead to a relapse and maybe something even worse.

You're not alone and you can dig yourself up and out of this hole.

 

day 26
I used the fantasies to calm down the urges in midnight after a long time , i have to work in that too.

 

Day 0.

 

On the importance of awareness as the cause of my relapse of almost 3 years semen retention no PMO streak some years back

AWARENESS
More than a decade ago I almost did 3 years streak of no PMO, semen retention and no sex. When I started the streak I was obsessed into getting in medical school and learning to play the violin. That was my only focus I was distracted by nothing I remember one time I broke my foot while jumping on wet floor my reaction was to continue playing the violin. My mother forced me to go to the doctor where everything was taking care of. And after that I didn't even think about it, I kept playing violin and going to pre med school classes. I was kobe Bryant commited.

Because of my commitment I got accepted into medical school pretty fast, the classes were easy and I stop playing the violin, the streak was there and I never thought of it, It was in my system sort to speak. One day I used the computer and watched porn and relapsed just out of curiosity and feeling pleasure.

At some point when life became easier I simply lost focus, awareness of what I was doing. You need to be aware to be alive, even stepping down the bed you can break a leg if you are not aware.

Conclusion: I learned in my 3 years streak that you need to be aware of everything you do, It doesn't matter if life is hard or easy.

 

Day 1

 

Morning of day 9

 

Thanks, this resonates with me a lot.

 

Quick check in

I don't have much to report yet today, but I'm checking in early because I had some cravings this morning. Thankfully, I'm still on the journey. But it was a good reminder that, yes, I am a PMO addict.

I've been reading through posts here, and all of you, even in reporting your resets and stumbles, have put me in a better state of mind. Thank you!

So, I've taken a cold shower. What I should be doing now is writing and editing. I'm about to go do that. I will also pray and meditate before today is over.