Memoires of 24-year-old that survived a suicide attempt

Started from the bottom

After my suicide attempt, I lived at my dad’s place for a couple of weeks. I don’t know why, but it felt like the right thing to do. If fact, I felt more insecure and depressed after the attempt than before. My thoughts were like ‘I can’t even kill myself. Even doing that, I failed’. During that period of my life, I developed a lot of bad habits. I stopped eating, well of course I ate some food, but mostly only at dinner. I started drinking a lot of coffee, I think between 10 and 20 cups a day. Furthermore, I did smoke cigarettes before, but now I started to smoke the first thing in the morning.

Desperately looking for role models, I found them, unfortunately, the wrong ones. I followed leftist politicians, who told me all of my problems were because of the patriarchy. I listened to people who told me it was okay to live without ambitions or to be unemployed. And besides all of that, I was jerking off to women that told me ‘I was a pathetic loser and a slave’. Well, you can imagine what my self-worth was like.

After a while, I started working at my grandfathers company. He owns a retail concept that sells clothes through wholesale and on street markets. I consider him as one of my first good role models. Maybe not in life, but he learned me what it was like to work hard. He corrected me when I fucked up, and showed me how to do it. There on those street markets, I slowly started to build myself up again.

I remember dreaming about living the life I currently live. It isn’t much, but I wanted it. Working out every day, living the college life, having a social life, and being healthy physically and mentally. Back then, I wanted to be the person I am today, and now I am. I never dedicated to start working towards that bigger goal. I just kept visualizing and dreaming about it, and slowly my life started to transform. One day, I applied to a gym, which I wouldn’t have done if my friend didn’t push me. The other day I applied to a special program to get into college, and worked my ass off to achieve that. It didn’t happen overnight, it was a slow process. But looking back, I am proud of myself that I’ve achieved so much since that day I tried to kill myself. But all the thanks to God, who has created this path for me.

 

Finding proper role models

Like I told you guys before, I was always looking for good role models. Unfortunately, Before I was 20 years old, I found some very bad ones:
· Leftist politicians
· The femdom porn industry
· Mainstream media
· Some Netflix’ content

Those were the people (or the places I found them), I thought I was supposed to follow, and those were the people that eventually killed me. Of course, I was the one that killed myself. But looking back, I do blame them for it. The left taught me that I – as a man – was a bad person, and that I should pay for my white manly privilege. The femdom porn industry told me that it was my destiny to become a slave to a woman, because they were superior to men. The mainstream media strengthened my belief that I was a bad person because I was a white male. Netflix indoctrinated me even more. For example, I watched ’13 Reasons Why’, which basically taught me that all men were rapist and bad. I felt even more weak and depressed than ever before.

Luckily, one day the tide turned. I found people on the internet that were actually good for me. Those individual people taught me valuable lessons. Where did I find them? YouTube! I am forever grateful that I found those people, because without them, my life would be a disaster. If I may be so bold, I would say that without them, I wouldn’t be a life. Here is a list of the people who changed my life for the better:

· Julian Blanc (dating coach, pickup artist, and self-help speaker)
· Jordan Peterson (clinical psychologist, YouTube personality, and author)
· Jocko Willink (author, podcaster, and former Navy SEAL)
· Joe Rogan (comedian, podcaster, and UFC commentator)
· Marcus Follin (better known as The Golden One, YouTuber, bodybuilder, and author)
· David Goggins (ultramarathon runner, public speaker, retired Navy SEAL, and author)
. The HighOnLife Youtube channel (that inspired me to start traveling)

Those were the people that helped me to climb out of the darkness back then. Thank you for saving my life.

 

Books and other content that helped me getting out of a depression

First and foremost, I don’t think watching one Youtube video or reading one book can defeat a depression. But I do think that those kind of material can change your life. I’ve watched thousands of YouTube video’s and hundreds of books. These are the ones that changed my life by making me feel happy again. Check them out for yourself.

1. Happiness Manifesto by Julien Blanc

It taught me the valuable lesson of the big difference between feeling the emotion happiness, and the state of happiness. For myself, I always felt unhappy, unless: I did something that made me feel happy. Which is basically a temporary escape from pain. It taught be that we were all born happy, and somewhere along the line we assumed the opposite.

()

2. The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent

This book was a lifesaver for me. I believe it was the beginning of my journey towards Christianity. While reading this book I discovered that my inner voice was negative, self-destructive, and of low self-worth. This book made me not only realizing this, but it taught me how to turn it around.

(https://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-Thinking-Norman-Vincent/dp/0743234804)

 

Your bedroom can be the most dangerous place in the world

I watched a YouTube video about an Australian kid a few days ago. This kid (known as Jihad Jake) was bullied in school, became a Muslim, and eventually joined ISIS in the Middle East. I find it very interesting how an Aussie kid with no Muslim background can eventually radicalize and become a terrorist. As it happens, he didn’t radicalize in the Mosque, but in his bedroom. By watching ISIS propaganda and other radical Islam content on the internet, he did not only radicalize, he was also recruited by ISIS. Which would not have happened if people knew what he was doing in his bedroom.

I convinced myself that I was a slave, loser, pathetic, and not worthy by watching femdom porn. I actually believed that I wanted to be a slave of a woman instead of her husband. That’s what femdom porn did to me. Which of course would never have happened if other people knew of what I was doing in my bedroom.

Nowadays, a lot of young men are alone in their bedroom with their phone, laptop or other electronic device, doing things their loved ones don’t know about. Watching porn, reading radical propaganda, chatting with dangerous people, or whatever dangerous things people do on the internet. At first, it all seems innocent, watching one YouTube video about ISIS, or watching people having sex. But the Aussie kid eventually killed himself in a suicide attack in Iraq. And I almost met with people that wanted to own me as their slave.

I think that the internet is one of the greatest things that ever happened to humanity, but I also think it will be its downfall.

 

Desperately looking for a mentor

It has been on my mind for the entire evening, so I decided to write it all out. My mind is telling me that I need to find a mentor in life. Not just a role model that inspires me, but someone that can actually guide me; A father figure, a leader, a mentor, a sensei. Not someone who is equally to me, but someone above me, someone to look up to, someone to follow.

The mentor that teaches his student things about: life, fitness, fighting, religion, philosophy, work etc. Like in Ancient Greece or in the Roman Empire. Is it healthy for me to want to meet someone like that? Is it because my father isn’t a strong father figure that I want this?

 

Not feeling comfortable in our modern world

Whenever someone asks: ‘’What do you want to become?’’, I automatically feel ashamed and award. Why? Because I don’t know, I have never known. In a few months, I’ll start in the third year of college. I study business and entrepreneurship, and I like what I do. I get excited about developing business, innovate retail concepts, and creating marketing strategies. But I never feel like it is my destiny to become a professional. I don’t feel comfortable working for a boss, but I also have no idea what kind of business I want to start. So, long story short, in my professional life, I’m kind of stuck.

When I was 15, I had a girlfriend who loved guys in uniform. So I convinced myself that I wanted to join the military. After I broke up with her, that patriotic feeling to join the army stayed with me for over a year. That feeling disappeared after a while, but since two years it’s back. And it’s getting stronger every week. However, my mind keeps talking me out. It says things like ‘It’s not for you’ ‘You’re too old’ ‘You’re too small’ ‘You’re not alpha enough’. But I’ve decided to dedicate the coming two years of my daily exercise time to train for the military. If I still want to join the special forces, after I have my degree, I’ll be ready. If I don’t want it anymore, I’ll be physically and mentally strong enough to face the world in another way.

Another aspect of life I am not okay with is living in a ‘normal’ house. I grew up in a small village in quite a big house, but I never felt totally at peace. Now, I live in a student house in one of the most population dense city in my country. I love my roommates, and I am grateful I live with them, but I don’t feel living in the city is for me. A part of me wants to live of the grid. In a beautiful forest, away from the modern world. I dream about living there with a beautiful happy family. Not like a hillbilly, but also not like a modern-day family.

Another part of me want to walk away, literally. Become a wanderer, a traveler, see the world. I am intrigued by the story of Rasputin traveling the wilderness on his own. When I was younger, I would explore the entire RuneScape map just to explore and walk. I love traveling, I love being in nature, and I love being alone.

So, what is it going to be? An entrepreneur, a warrior, living in the woods, or become a wanderer? That is something I have to figure out for myself.

 

Still dreaming about my ex-girlfriend

I broke up with her 6 years ago, and I still dream about her. Sometimes I fantasize about her during the day. Sometimes (like last night) I dream about her at night. The weirdest thing is, we haven’t seen each other for over 4 years. Let me give you guys a little more background information.

During the first years of high school, I was a very popular guy. I had a lot of friends, and luckily I was never bullied, but at first I wasn’t into girls yet. I was 14/15 until I kissed a girl for the first time, and from that time things started to work, and I started dating. During my senior years of high school, I was very confident with girls. I was the typical good-looking high school jock who had a lot of self-confidence and was successful with girls. In the last year of high school I met her. I will refer to my ex-girlfriend in this story by calling her ‘J’.

J and I started dating after a house party where we kissed for the first time, while I cheated on my girlfriend. Looking back, not the best start for a relationship, you might think. I wish I knew back then. She had a sexy posture, beautiful eyes, and a good-looking face. Her character was wild, temperamental, a little dominant, but feminine. After we dated for a while, she wanted to have sex. The 15-year-old version of myself didn’t doubt a second. She was the first girl I had sex with. She thought I was already sexually active, because I was one of the most popular guys in high school. But I didn’t, I lied to everyone about it. She had sex with guys before. After a few months, I told her about my Foot Fetish.

Spoiler: TRIGGER FOOT FETISH!

At first, she let me rub her feet. After a while I started kissing and licking her feet. I believe she never liked getting her feet worshiped, but I did. I would worship and massage her feet for hours. I think she would let me do it because she loved her feet getting rubbed, and I afterwards my libido was sky-high.

Eventually, we got into a relationship. And over the months, the sex got more pleasurable for her and for me. I remember the first moment I let her got off quite well. As a 15-year-old boy, it made me feel proud and extremely confident in my capabilities. By the end of the year, I got kicked out of high school, and she got into senior year. I believe that was the moment my self-confidence dropped, and our sexual relationship started to turn sideways.

Spoiler: EXTREME TRIGGER FEMDOM

Our sexual-life started to develop in a strange and unnatural way. I blame myself for this, because secretly, I was watching femdom porn. I became more submissive sexually and during the day, while she grew more dominant in both ways. During the day, I would clean her feet in a foot bath, and at night the collared me during the sex. During the day, she snared and barked orders at me, and at night she was on top of me during the sex. I won’t go any further into detail, but you understand what our relationship had become.

A part of me loved what had happened by me becoming more submissive. But the other part of me hated her behavior. She grew crazy, jealous, controlling, and mean. We fought almost every week, and had make-up sex afterwards. Things started to get real toxic. If I wanted to break up with her, she threatened to kill herself, and the idiot I was, I made up my mind and gave her another chance. Eventually, I broke up with her. I couldn’t stand the pressure anymore. We never kissed, had sex, or dated after that. But I believe she is still a part of me.

She keeps returning in my mind, in my dreams, like she is still a part of me. Last night I had a dream about her:

Spoiler: TRIGGER

‘’I got on my knees and kissed her feet, while verbally submitting to her’’

It ruined my semen retention. In reaction to this, I blocked her social media, and deleted her phone number. Maybe I eventually forget about her.

 

The dark parts of the internet

After I broke up with my girlfriend, I dated a couple of girls, but it never turned into more than a kiss or one a nightstand. I was still watching femdomporn, sometimes multiple times a day. After a few months, I wasn’t even interested in normal girls anymore. All I wanted to do was jerking off to femdom- and foot fetish videos. At a certain point, that’s what I wanted in real life; not a girlfriend, but a mistress.

So I started looking for one on the internet. I believe I started doing it 4 years ago while doing it, I did not even know about NoFap, nor of the damage I did to myself. I posted advertisements on certain websites where I offered myself as a slave for women. I got a lot of emails because of it, but unfortunately, only from men. I got aroused by reading what they would do to me. But I never intended to meet with them. I am straight, and I don’t feel any feelings for men at all. Secondly, I was jerking off twice a day, so I never felt the urge to meet with them, because I already got off by PMO.

That changed when I found out about NoFap 2/3 years ago. At first, I thought I couldn’t find a girl because I was PMO-ing a lot. NoFap helped me building up myself a little by reading books and working out. During that period, I got out of the rut a little by sleeping with a normal girl again. I always did 14 days of no MO, but eventually I turned back to humiliation and domination once again. And because I didn’t experience a lot of orgasms, I got hornier all the time, and did some pretty awful things. Those things I would like to share with you today. Why? Because I feel ashamed and bad because of it.

Spoiler: TRIGGER: Master/Slave

Like I said before, I am 100% straight. To give an example of this, and I don’t mean to insult anyone, but I literally get sick by watching gay people kiss. By entire stomach turns around even my the thought of it. However, one day a man replied to one of my advertisements. He was a 40-year-old guy living in a huge house in the middle of nowhere, and he wanted me as his ‘slave’. I would serve as his household slave multiple days a week. I won’t go further into detail though. Luckily, I backed out because I didn’t feel comfortable being with a man. When he told me he wanted me to kiss him, I immediately broke all contact.

Spoiler: TRIGGER: Sex slave

After that terrible experience, I got tricked into another; a couple. They were looking for a male sex-slave. The male told me explicitly, he didn’t want any sexual contact whatsoever, and that I would only serve the woman. After chatting for a few days, I found out that they made actual porn video’s, and that they wanted me in them. Of course, I backed out instantly, and broke all contact.

Spoiler: TRIGGER: Findom mistress

Finding a real mistress for free wasn’t easy. Luckily I never found one, but it pissed me off back then. So I turned to these FinDom mistresses, who are basically prostitutes is disguise. Her name was Yasmine, and she was mostly into feet and humiliation. I decided to meet with her for a ‘pay date’, but luckily I never showed up, because I got off a day before, and felt anxious about meeting her.

Spoiler: TRIGGER: Chastity

By far the most horrifying experience was one I had with another couple. Unlike the first couple I met online, these people were the same age as me. They also wanted me as their slave, but not only for the sex, but for all sorts of activities. I really got interested and aroused by them, telling me they would lock me in chastity while I served them. But, I noticed there was something wrong. Their grammar was horrible, and by their chat messages it looked like they were disabled or crazy in some way. Before I went to a bar to have some drinks, they send me a message. My manliness kicked in, and I was like, ‘I need to get away from these people asap!’.

After that experience, things went better. My life improved in almost all aspects. I got introduced by Christianity, which basically is the reason why I am still here. I am grateful for the spiritual transition I experienced the last 2 years. I am also grateful for the people that helped me in this journey towards the light, and away from darkness. However, it wasn’t the last time I had fallen.

Last year, I had a few amazing NoFap streaks. I eventually got to 94 days. But after New Year's Eve, things turned sideways. I fell into the femdom-trap once again. You see unlike vanilla porn, femdom porn can be found everywhere, like on: Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube. I eventually broke spiritually and mentally and turned to darkness. I discovered a BDSM-dating site with actual girls on it. I had contact with two girls my age, who wanted me as their slave. I almost met with one of them. Luckily, I got an email from a Christian friend I met on this forum. He got me out of the darkness, and I have been walking by faith ever since. For that I’ll be forever grateful. I instantly broke all contact. I have been totally clean for 18 days now.

 

Quitting PMO the same way as I did smoking

First things first, I haven’t smoked a cigarette for 6+ months. This is a major achievement for me. The last time I smoked a cigarette was on January 1st 2021. But to really understand this story, I have to go back a few years. I can remember the first time I took a hit of a cigarette; it was 14 years ago. Back then, my stepdad was smoking inside the house constantly. Both of us were sitting on the couch watching a football game, when his cell phone rang. He left the burning cigarette in the ashtray and walked outside to answer the phone. When he couldn’t see me anymore, I secretly took a hit, out of curiosity. I can’t remember if I liked it or not, but I do remember that that was my first experience with tobacco, and it wouldn’t be my last.

I started smoking cigarettes myself early on in high school. Almost all of my friends were doing it, so I decided I to start as well. I smoked quite heavily from age 12 to 23. From the age 21-23, I did try to quit several times. But once I was at a party or at a bar, I simply couldn’t resist it. My parents and some of my friends thought I had quit, but secretly I still smoked.

Like I said before, I officially quit smoking on January 1st 2021. It was at a New Year's Eve party in my hometown. By the end of the night, I ran out of cigarettes. I instantly asked if someone could spare one. (Un)fortunately, all my friends who used tobacco already left the party. So, I decided to quit smoking again for good. At the time, I didn’t realize it would be my last time. How I did it? I think there are two key elements that were crucial for my success.

I think the lockdown because of COVID-19 helped through the hard times in the beginning. You see, since the beginning of December 2020, the people of the Netherlands had to go in lockdown. Which basically meant everything had to close again: gyms, bars, shops etc. Smoking at the terrace or in a bar were very strong habits of mine. Now, those locations had been taken away. But I still went to parties and stuff, so the smoking never stopped fully. However, on January 23rd, 2021 the government also permitted us to go outside our house from 9pm – 5am. Which meant for me no house parties or any other festive occasions anymore. We did sneak through the street at night though, but the amount of parties significantly decreased. That period learned me a couple of things about quitting a bad habit: take away the temptation, and staying away from the places that trigger temptation.

Not being tempted really helped me through the first months, but I could not have done it without a strong base. That strong base is 2 years dedicated to: strength training, self-discipline, running, reading, meditating, being in nature, eating healthy, and self-improvement. Without transforming my body and spirit, I wouldn’t be able to have done it.

And that will be my game plan to also quit PMO for good. I’ve tried to quit in the past, but eventually I always relapsed, just like I did with smoking. Now I know it’s possible to quit something as addictive as smoking, I know I can beat PMO too. However, this time I’ll do it the same way as I quit smoking.

My first step is to take away all the temptation for a while. Not watching porn is not an issue for me anymore. Not watching (soft) femdom content, masturbating, or looking at erotic content on social media is still very hard for me. So, I make sure I won’t be tempted. For the past couple of weeks I force myself to always keep the door and curtains in my room open, so I can’t watch erotic content etc. Just in case, I installed a porn blocker to prevent me from visiting certain websites and Apps.

The second step I need to take, is falling back on my strong base. Quitting smoking, PMO or another addiction cannot be achieved solely by willpower. When I feel like I am getting into trouble, I fall back on my strong base, which is everything I described above. However, this time I have a secret weapon which I did not possess a few years ago. Another strong base, my rock, my deliverer. With our lord Jesus Christ I am ready to face any obstacle ahead of me.

 

Are they trying to destroy us?

I believe, watching porn is one of the most common problems for young men in 2021. And, since you are on this forum, you might share this opinion. In my humble opinion, since pornography is so easily accessible these days, men have become significantly weaker than our former generation. But who’s to blame? Men? The porn-industry? Society? Or is it something else? I quote a great Islamic General from the Middle Ages: "If you want to destroy any nation without war, make adultery or nudity common in the young generation." – Saladin.

Vanilla porn is making men weaker. However, ‘Female Domination’ (commonly known as femdom) is spreading over the world like a plague. Thousands and thousands of young men are jerking off on videos of women humiliation men in all sorts of ways. Some men want to be a girl’s slave, dog or pig. I’m not a psychologist or an expert or anything, but I do not believe men are born with the wish to be a woman’s slave. I simply can’t imagine God or nature wanted us to be slaves.

Since the last couple of years, another phenomenon is on the rise: FinDom. FinDom stands for Financial Domination. It is a sexual fetish, in particular a practice of dominance and submission, in which a submissive gives gifts and money to a financial dominant. These so-called ‘goddesses’ or ‘princesses’ are anticipating to (young) men in the west who don’t feel like they are worthy enough for a woman, so they pay for their attention. The worst of all, there are actively rounding up young men to submit to them on social media like Twitter. In my point of view, these so-called goddess are just online prostitutes in disguise. On the contrary, Twitter must know about this, right? Their actively ban hateful imagery, violent sexual conduct, and adult content. I quote twitter’s rules and policies: ‘Adult content is any consensually produced and distributed media that is pornographic or intended to cause sexual arousal.’ However, Twitter remains full of this filth, and thousands of young men fall into this trap.

The main question is of course: Are they actively trying to destroy young western men? And more importantly; who are they? Is it the work of the devil? For sure! But who are the people that sold their souls to Satan, and carry out his plan?

 

I have been 100% clean from P (and substitutes), M, and O for 22 days now. The benefits I experience are: more focus, less anxiety, being comfortable in social situations, and I feel closer to God. I am not an expert or something, but I think you can overcome any addiction by self-discipline, willpower, having a strong ‘why’, and the power of God. I wish you all the best, and if you have any questions, feel free to send me a private message.

 

No More Mr Nice Guy, by Robert Glover. For everyone reading this; highly recommended.

 

I recently found an article about sexual masochism, which stated there were three possible theories of why heterosexual men like to be submissive to someone. The reason why my fantasy is to be someone’s slave, is an answer I am eager to find. I believe I need to fully understand my sexual fetishism, is a way to one day get rid of it, or at least a way to function is our society. The 3 theories are: escapism, unusual masturbatory behavior, and childhood trauma. I will take each of these theories apart, and I’ll try to explain how they apply to me.

Escapism
By submitting to a dominant, I try to achieve the feeling of freedom and loss of responsibility. Which is, thinking about it, ridiculous. What freedom is in obeying someone’s commands and serving someone ? You would say. The ‘loss of responsibility’ is the part I fully understand. The daily stress of college, work, family, friends, and (social) media sometimes gets too much for me to handle. A part of me just want to escape from reality by submitting to a dominant; not having to worry about the external. The worst of all is that I don’t care if it’s a male of female dominant. In the past, this caused great insecurity about my sexuality. Despite that, I know I am into women alone.

Unusual masturbatory behavior
Like most of the people on this forum. I had a lot of problems with masturbation. During the darkest hours of my life, I did it 4 times a day, while watching humiliation video’s. On the contrary, I never watched ‘Vanilla’ porn. For the past 12 years, I have been consuming mass quantity of femdom, humiliation, foot fetish, slave/master, cuckold, forced-bi, and servitude video’s. So a lot of my sexual preference is definitely porn-induced. By NoFap, I am trying to erase the porn-induced part of my sexuality.

Childhood trauma
My parents divorced when I was 6/7 years old. Luckily, they never fought over it, at least not that I can remember. However, I do believe this event had a significant impact on my life. Most of my life, I grew up with my mom. She is an independent, successful, and a little dominant woman. I believe that during my childhood, I started to see her as the head of the house. I was raised a ‘good boy’; I did not fight, did not say what I thought, and did what I was told to do. I believe this also had a significant impact on my sexual behavior.

The big question is, of course, how to break this pattern of behavior? How do I stop wanting to be a slave instead of a good, loving husband. I must say that hard mode NoFap is very beneficial; I feel so much more masculine than before. However, submissive fantasies and thoughts are still there.

 

Hey,
No, I am not married yet. I will in the future, when I am with a good girl. Am 24, single, and still in college. I believe dating a good girl will be beneficial for my recovery as a man.