Risky 'moves' with prostitutes

This might be a trigger to some people so be aware.

When I look down the line, I went from M-ing to girls using fantasy in my youth, to M-ing on pictures, and a bunch of years later gradually to P movies.

Anyway, at one point in my early twenties I started visiting prostitutes. It was all fine and dandy (well, maybe not) until I viewed P movies where this guy would do prostitutes without protection. I'm easily triggered by novelty, new things that can arouse me.

And so the P movie fantasy became reality. I felt terrible after having S with this prostitute without protection. And yet moments before I was so craving for it and horny.

Now a few years later I've had unprotected S with them a dozen times or so. I browse the ads almost every day, which I think only feeds my cravings.

To be honest with you, lately, I'm not even going there because I want to. I'm just looking for a way to get out of this boring life. To do something extreme. But also to hope to 'feel' better because lately I went more often when I felt bad than good.

I also noticed I go to them to create a memory, which I M to afterwards. I know I have a serious problem, but damn, my life is sooo boring and I hate my life terribly. Willpower is very 'scarse' but junkfood, videogames and prostitutes are in 'abundance'.

I'm definitely going for the easy routes, as I've done most of my life. I'm just sick of the struggle, with my depression, anxiety and past. I don't want to fight anymore, but don't want to quit either.. I think.

Anyway.. who else is visiting prostitutes, and has unprotected S with them, did you manage to quit? Things have spiraled out of control!

 

Well I've done it multiple times again unprotected since I posted this topic, sometimes it was a nice experience with them because you're 'living the P fantasy', but after yesterday I felt awful again. I know it's not good for me, but I did it anyway.

I do get my tests after every visit; a month after and a blood check 3 months after, that's the minimum wait time for different checks for all the STD's. All negative so far.

I'm not even ugly, dumb or uneducated, I go there when A) I'm very horny or B) I'm not really horny but feel like punishing myself with risksy behavior.

It's basically self-destructive behavior because I hate my boring life and myself. And probably also bad experiences from the past which sort of, put me in the pattern of punishing. Punishing myself, as if I'm just a walking piece of meat with no value that needs to be treated poorly.

Sometimes I also wonder if I'm just 'kinky' or that P made me that way, as if it was just a leap that I needed to take, but already knew what I wanted.

Anyway I never had a GF in my life, plenty of oppertunities were there, but I was always scared and didn't know how to expand on these oppertunities. Now, mid thirties, still single, and severely unsatisfied with life, covid crap on top of it, and prostitute visiting all eliminates chances of getting a GF. And don't get me started on dating apps, they only really work for women and are money traps for men. My failure is their business model.

In the past I did get some help with this prostitute problem, but I have much too little willpower to stop myself and am also very stubborn. I suffer from depression and anxiety for about 15 years now. Never had S with a 'real' woman and never had a GF, it breaks you as a man. I'm also a sensitive person, and my bad abusive and violent experiences from the past have added their part to the burden I'm carrying every day. There are some better moments, now and then, but they never last.

Been talking to dozens of different mental health care professionals including psychologists and psychiatrists, I'm doing better than years ago, but I can't say that all this talking really helped in that. I do have meds, I've been thinking about upping/adding meds, but kinda worried about the side effects for example I don't want to get fat. I just don't see a 'way out' anymore. Sometimes I even believe I don't want to change. It's so damn difficult to find the energy anymore to throw at this wall of negativity that stands in my way. It feels utterly futile and as a result, my bad urges get their way.

On top of all this, I also have ED. I need to use blue pills. So this, and the prostitute visits also withhold me from even thinking about dating. It's much too embaressing, and I couldn't live with giving some other woman an STD without an all clear check from the doctor. Even then, you still have sleeping STD's that you can't test for. I just don't see it happen anymore that I will ever be happy and have a family, despite all other good qualities I might have. I have a strong sense that I am going to die alone without any wife or kids.

But what's the alternative to prostitutes and P? M-ing is getting boring and I know watching P is bad for you. OK, so let's not watch P. But how do you remove these urges? I really don't understand how people have the willpower to even begin to change. I've tried thinking differently, doing different things, I never finish what I start and go back to the old situation. Seems almost as if I don't want to change anymore, sick of everyone telling me what I should and shouldn't do, even though I know I need the help. It's the feeling of helpnessless that gets to me. Now..

You can't play games because it's not good for you and are a waste of time.
You can't eat junk food because it's unhealthy and makes you fat.
You can't M, watch P, or visit prostitutes because it's bad for your brain, behavior and health.

Are there any enjoyable things I can do? These three are the next best things.

I've got so many things going on in my mind at a time, it's unmanageable. I don't know what I should focus on first, what to tackle first, what to replace 'bad' habits with, it's just too much. I don't even know why I am even writing anymore, except that it's good to get it on 'paper' and out of my mind.

 

@need4realchg Thanks for your reply. It's extra tough to 'find' this connection with women now because I feel like I shouldn't be dating the next three months. The hiv blood test is only really reliable after three months of contact. So basically, the next three months are wasted time.

Of course, there are condoms, but I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself if it would break and she caught some STD.

I'm also terribly worried about this bare prostitute past of mine. I would never want her to find out about it because I'm pretty sure almost all women would be disgusted if they find out their man has visited prostitutes, not to mention bare. It would be game over then.

My self esteem was already crap around women, now that Covid's here I see my chances of getting a relationship going down the drain even further. I have a lot of self hate because I feel like I'm not putting in the effort to get a date. At the same time the poor self esteem and severe anxiety are holding me back, so I become angry at myself for not overcoming it. And that's when I start to do the prositutes bare, not only do I miss the literal human touch, intimacy, but it has to be bare because a condom doesn't provide any thrill anymore, but weirdly enough I feel the odd need to punish myself by risking an STD. It's obvious this is self destructive behavior.

Every night I have the same thoughts - how on earth am I ever going to stop visiting the prostitutes, find a way to eleminate the anxiety around women, AND solve the ED problem. I feel worthless. The weird thing is, on the outside I appear quite normal. I'm not ugly, not stupid, not uneducated. not unmannered etc. People consider me attractive, but on the inside I'm a wreck. All the looks, skills, whatever, in the world are worthless if you don't have confidence.

I did receive help at one point about this and other sexual problems, but I don't have the damn willpower and energy to complete the assignments to fix them. I feel like something inside doesn't want help and stay in the comfort zone. I wonder if these are signs of far grown addiction. I never feel like professionals are taking me seriously about these issues, because I also suffer from depression, I have problems acknowledging and expressing my feelings, and I also feel my past is still haunting me. In other words, I feel pretty f-ed up, and don't really see a way out anymore.

 

You shouldn't make such assumptions. Also, as if prostitutes who do it raw don't already know that. Why did you even type that reply, you're not contributing anything except some generic babble we all already know.