Told Gf about porn addiction, did not go well

It's sad and disgusting that you feel this way and says a lot about your mentality.

 

woman wears shirt and pants - alert the presses.

We get it, you're religious and many religions put a premium on women covering up their bodies. Orthodox jewish women, for example, wear long pants/skirts and long sleeves and wigs because the old testement says a woman's body is only for her husband. You can believe what you want.

However here, and now, it is simply false to put any responsibility on the woman's choice of clothing when it comes sexual assault/partner's porn addiction. I didn't look at porn because my wife wore a bikini or because she didn't wear one, i made those poor choices.

 

I'm not "religious" (what an atrocious newspeak word, really), I'm just not promiscuous and I have fine taste (de gustibus non disputandum, but still).

And, like I said, nobody is trying to shift responsibility for assaults or infidelity in particular. But these women are indeed (indirectly, and not solely, of course) responsible for oversexualizing the society. For spreading the harmful message.

 

I told ex's and they seem to be alright about it. I still had PIED. I think the difference was I was getting results as in, I wasn't watching P and M. They can see I was going to beat this thing. If you relapse then they are concerned because they don't see a future. They might see a future where your penis is not going to work. Women love sex too when they see a future they can't have.

 

I got banned for 2 days for posting this "woman wearing shirt and pants" - so yeah... Pornography on the streets, like I said.

 

What is this harmful message?

 

That promiscuity is the thing.

 

the claim that women dressing or acting in a sexual way is to blame for a sexualized society/men watching porn

 

This would be like claiming someone’s responsible for the Holocaust because he was heard saying the Jews suck. Obvious nonsense, but still can and should be thrown into the same “antisemite” bag. Or “promiscuous people” in our case. These are just extremely distant emanations of the same personality trait.

 

You know, after thinking about it, I really think you might be on to something here. Today my husband and I were out and about and while I was driving, we passed a man pushing his baby in a stroller down the sidewalk. Now this man was a fine specimen of any man I've seen in a while. The sun was glistening off his bald head, with his shirtless muscular torso out for everyone to see, wearing just shorts and Nike slides. It's a good thing my husband was looking down at the game on his phone because I just couldn't look away. I mean, how could I? Wearing hardly anything, baring all that skin, showing off his muscles...it's obvious he is exuding promiscuity.
He apparently has a, how did you put it, "body-centric mentality", which of course, shows a "high, animalistic drive for physical, bodily pleasure." He is clearly sending the message to the world by dressing in that revealing way that "physical pleasure is the thing." If it wasn't for men like him, we women wouldn't be forced to live in such a sexualized society.

I don't know why I didn't see this before!

 

Well, didn't I say like a million times throughout this thread that males and females should follow exactly the same principles? I even said specifically that myself I never walk around topless except for beaches and areas very close to the beach. Not sure why you're implying hypocrisy (if you are). That guy you've seen was indeed probably a body-centric yokel who has been at the gym more than he's been at school in his life. I can perfectly understand that his body was sexually appealing though. It's like with the black slave issue in North America back in "those times" - white wives could often not resist the temptation of "trying out" those slaves on themselves, having probably observed their large members in particular. The punishment for marital infidelity would in this case be very harsh, and rightly so. But the problem is that it wasn't equally harsh for the husbands sexually abusing the female slaves - and thus basically cheating on their wives. So you could look at it in three ways: you could say we should "sexually liberate" everyone, you could say the wife should just shut up and suffer in quiet in her socially inferior position as a woman, or you could say the husband should be socially condemned, shamed and sanctioned (higher prices at the slave market, maybe?!) for his wrongdoing. I am definitely for the third solution, being the only one that I believe can uphold the principles constistuting the civilisational foundations in the long term. So this is the "third way" that people arguing over morality these days tend to forget often. Or perhaps they disbelieve that a wrongdoer in a somewhat superior position could be brought to proper conduct. But if you don't believe that, any alternatives you may come up with are very likely to bring you to far worse shit in the end (complete disintegration of families, progressing social decadence, constant state supervision over everything).

Btw. your husband plays games on the phone?! Have a serious talk with him. Throughout the total of five years of my relationship with Wife I'd game for maybe 5 hours, and this would still expose me to criticism on her part. And that's how it should be!

 

You have to excuse me for thinking some pseudoscientific scenarios presented by current PAs on here sounds like Penthouse letters. I can assure you that not even these white wives of bygone times were even 1/10 as fixated on black male genitalia as the average male porn addict is.

That of course make me ponder the problem of the "oversexual" world in general. Have you ever heard about women with fertility issues and how they happen to see an inordinate amount of baby strollers? This is a real phenomena, stemming from the brains peculiar fondness for pattern recognition. We intuitively seek out what is relevant to us. If I were to ask two friends, one of them a gambler, how many casino related ads he sees during one night, he would almost certainly mention a huge number. The other friend might just remember one or two.

So while I don't doubt for a second that the world is filled with sexual content, one should remember that not everyone perceive it that way (world is also filled with pavements, shoe repair stores and birch trees, yet no one bothers with that). The reality appear much more balanced and normal to someone who's brain doesn't deem nudity as something intensely relevant. When you stop to seek out pornograpgic content, your world will no longer look as sexualized.

 

I see where you're coming from, but the vast increase in broadly understood sexual content (people behaving in provocative manner, sex-related subjects, revealing manner of dressing) in the public sphere as compared to, say, 1950s is so blatant that it can't be left unnoticed. Just look at the threads in these forums with people warning each other not to go on Facebook or even Youtube to avoid triggers. Can you imagine some sex addict of 1950s being warned not to watch TV or read newspapers to avoid triggers?! And yes, I know that to an addict many things can be a trigger, but this still stands true.

"My world" in particular doesn't really look sexualised, as I steer clear off any mass media outlets. And there's not even this many "untastefully dressed" females where I live or usually go. But I know the reality is different in circles and places (high schools, popular news sites/channels, for instance) I never frequent and/or use.

 

But this is my point. A non addict wouldn't have a problem with these pages, wouldn't deem them as particularly sexual and definitively not triggering. I bet your grandma is on Facebook and doesn't feel any compelling need to masturbate. My own YouTube is 0% triggering. It's filled with ducks eating peas and cell biology podcasts. The world to an addict, and therefore his web page suggestions, are worlds apart from someone unaffected by these issues.

 

Nah. I've heard tons of people complaining about how sexualised today media and public sphere are (not just among the so-called "religious" people), and they're very unlikely to be sex/porn addicts. They just understand the dangers stemming from this.

Just visit Daily Mail or any garbage outlet of this sort and search for "sex". I did this right now with Daily Mail, and the result was 16 matches. It's absolutely pathetic. And yes, we can rule "Sussex" out, leaving the figure at 15.

Either way - each to his own. Nobody's forcing you to visit or watch anything, obviously. But some things are just hard to unsee, like billboards on the streets, for instance. Or - for that matter - PornHub advertisements in NYC!

I remember doing my Europe Trip and driving from Austria to Czech Republic. Right behind the border there was this huuuuuge billboard advertising a local brothel, night club or something, with 20-30 young girls sitting next to each other with a lustful look in their eyes and provocative clothing. And I thought: how damn sad! These Austrians are going to associate Czechs with cheap paid sex.

 

WTF? How did you get to imagined slavery scenarios in a country you have only ready about? Nevermind. I really, really don't even want to know.

Um...okay...I have been married for much, much longer than 5 years and whether my husband plays a game on his phone for a few minutes in the car or not doesn't bother me in the slightest and isn't any of your business. Whatever agreement you have between you and your wife for video games is between you two.

 

Ok, Mrs. Smart Ass, enjoy the day/good night!

 

LOL, check this out @EyesWideOpen! “I’m at a loss for words!” LOL!

Holy Fuckoly!

Just WOW! Historians are going to look back at this thread and go “WOW!”. They’re gonna wonder how the hell we managed to keep from becoming extinct. They’re gonna think we should have been required to carry our own plant around to replenish the valuable oxygen we consume.

This thread is littered with so much insurmountable bullshit, there simply aren’t enough shovels, let alone time. It’s not even worth going back and commenting on all of it, and I don’t have neither the time, inclination, nor patience for it anyway. so...

First of all, most all of you have hijacked the gentleman’s, @PatientOx’s, thread. Knock it off already, why don’tcha?

Wrong reason. Seriously, if this is the reason, you need to reevaluate it. Telling her is not about you. It is about her. Remember that.

This is something that shouldn’t even be on your RADAR screen. Focus on your own recovery is all the making up you need to do. Don’t bother with the card, flowers, chocolates, and teddy bear. She’ll likely throw them in the trash anyway (unless she has a chocolate addiction). THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS FROM YOU!

Uh, get this. Because she was? Make no mistake, you cheated on her.

This is a great idea. Why don’t you tell her this? While you’re at it, go ahead and make provisions to sever the relationship because that’s precisely where it will be headed.

All of this?

What @sancus said!

I’m not really gonna get into any more of the nuts and bolts of all of the ignorant diatribes here, so I’ll just stop right there and say this:

• We are wired for connection. Both male and female. Don’t believe it? Go look it up. Dr. Brene’ Brown has quite a bit to say about it. How should you interpret that? You did the right thing by telling her. Did you do it correctly? Probably not. But you did it. That’s huge. Really huge. Congratulations to you.
• Had you not told her, it would not have ended well for you. A discovery is far worse than any disclosure ever will be. Because discovery isn’t only construed as cheating. It is also construed as lies, deceit, and cover ups. And what does that do for TRUST? It desimates it. It’s gone. And to be clear, not telling her? That’s called “lying by omission”. And if you really must know the order, the Boundaries are respect, honor, integrity, honest, transparency, accountability, infidelity, priority, abuse, gaslighting, communication, recovery, & debauchery. The #1 act of betrayal is indifference (apathy) albeit some people refer to it as contempt, #2 is honesty and transparency, and #3 is infidelity (aka cheating).
• Read and Heed this:

• The single most important person in the world for us to confide in is our committed Partner in a relationship. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you believe differently, perhaps you have an addiction, a betrayal trauma, or both that you are experiencing, but certainly wounds that go back to your arrested development which occurred likely in your youth before teenager. I pretty don’t care much what you read differently on this subject elsewhere. Your Partner is your #1 priority, period.
• It’s really none of your business. What someone wears, what someone thinks of you isn’t any of your business. It isn’t about you anyway. It’s about them. Leave it alone. It’s none of your business.
  
• Also from Dr. Brene’ Brown, It’s incredibly easy to make suggestions from the cheap seats. If you’re not in the arena, I’m not interested in your opinion. If you aren’t experiencing the blood, sweat, and tears that I am, I’m really not interested in what you have to say. This is a philosophy you need to embrace and uphold. There are a whole lot of people spewing a whole lot of bullshit here, and they are doing it all from the cheap seats. Sure, some of them have been in the arena before. But unless we can experience the same emotional and logical feelings you are, there’s just no way for us to make a recommendation that suits you. The best advice you’re gonna get on this will come from within. I can tell you objectively what to do. That is, ignore most of the diatribe you’ve read here. But subjectively, I can’t. It’s obvious you love this woman, so go after what it is your heart, mind, and spirit desires.
  
• Vulnerability! Can’t say it enough. Nobody ever became successful at anything without vulnerability. To have courage (not to be confused with bravery), you must be vulnerable. To become her hero, you must have courage. You exhibited great courage when you disclosed to her. That was very vulnerable. Dr. Brown would be so proud; and pleased.
  
• One of the most fundamental things that we forget when we’re in a relationship is pursuit and courting. Damn, we successfully managed to get her to become our Partner didn’t we? Did we forget all that? No! If we severed the relationship today, we’d be back at it doing it again. She wants you to pursue her and she wants you to court her. Yes, it’s necessary even if you chased her till she caught you.
  
• “Make her understand?” LOL, right! I don’t hardly think so. I’m not even going to go back to try to figure out who the hell said it. Here’s a piece of advice for you. You must incorporate these three things: validation, understanding, and empathy. You don’t “make her understand” anything. In fact, the problem is, she does understand. That’s why she’s having such a hard time with it. And one of her problems is that she’s not enough. That’s what she believes. Is she enough? Prove it to her. Words are but words. Prove it to her.
  
• Disposition(s) [word(s), action(s), & behavior(s)] all must match in continuity, consistency, and commitment. Yeah, I know that was a mouth full. Dissect it, and if you have questions about it, just ask, and I’ll try to explain it further for you. I’m gonna stop right here because I don’t want it to get too long.

I hope this helps. There are some highly intelligent responses here. Most of them, not so much. I’m not even going to bother to spar with any of them. It’s just not worth the time and aggravation.

If you have any questions, just PM me. I don’t want to have to defend my position with so many trolls and troglodytes present.