Getting to a Real Relationship: Reboot Log

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 10 months. A month ago we left university and started working in separate countries. We will be dating long distance for at least a year and a half. Before she left, we started having arguments over my lack of effort and commitment in the relationship. She felt as if I did not prioritize her. For example, while we were dating, we never went on "fancy" dates like going to dinner or seeing a concert or trying anything new. Instead, I would just invite her to go on walks and watch movies together. She would indicate that she would want to do more exciting dates, but I never really did. I realize now that our relationship is really valuable and I need to start putting a lot more work in to make her feel cherished.

Porn addiction does not help me to be a committed and trusting boyfriend. While we were together, I still watched porn about once every week and I think the porn makes it hard for me to feel as attached to her. I do not feel like I am an open book with her. Porn also intensifies my insecurities. I am insecure that my girlfriend is interested in other guys and that insecurity is greater now that she lives in another country. What I see in porn normalizes infidelity which is not great for any relationship. Realistically, she has always been faithful and never gave any signs of being interested in other guys.

I am starting this reboot log to document my recovery. I need to overcome this addiction if I am going to save this relationship and improve my life. My time in University was pretty sad and uneventful. Now that I am starting my first job, I want to have a fresh start. I have been stagnant these past four years, but these next four can be filled with lots of growth. I want to be able to manage my stress healthily and have close relationships.

My strategy is to keep myself busy with hobbies. One such hobby is mindful breathing. I find that setting a 5 minute timer and closing my eyes to focus on my breathing helps me to calm down and make better decisions.

Another hobby is exercise. Exercise relieves tension built up in my body from withdrawal. After exercise, I experience a euphoric feeling that lingers for a few hours. I enjoy playing tennis, running, walking, and stretching.

I would also like to start reading more. I am interested in economics, so I would like to spend some time everyday reading periodicals such as The Economist and The Wall Street Journal to keep in touch with what is going on in the world.

I am going to stop drinking caffeinated drinks. I have found that they make me feel more awake but also stress me out. Any stress that I feel gets magnified by coffee and tea, so I end up being less productive than if I had just worked in a sleepy state.

Based on my past experience, the first month of quitting is the worst. I will experience intense anxiety and insomnia. I will lie in bed trying to sleep, but I will not be able to. In the morning, I will be stressed about how little sleep that I got and it will be harder for me to stick to my plans. I will keep this in mind to make it easier to stay away from porn. My body wants me to go back to porn so it will make me feel as terrible as possible until I do so.

 

I went on an hour long walk which helped to ease some of my anxiety. I was still feeling the tension for the first 20 minutes of the walk, but afterwards it died down. It is now a couple hours after the walk and I am feeling happier and more settled.

I would not recommend starting a committed relationship if you have not gotten past this addiction. If you are still stuck in your addiction, you may end up hurting your partner.

 

I woke up this morning and felt terrible. Laid in bed for an hour, but once I got up and started moving things started to get better.

I have found setting small, achievable goals as helpful for getting me to do things. For example, when I am lying in bed not wanting to do anything, I will tell myself that my goal is just to get out of bed and brush my teeth. Or when I have finished brushing my teeth, my next small goal is to finish a glass of water.

 

I do not know if this is a common symptom once people start abstaining from PMO, but for the past few days, I have not been sleeping well at all. I go to bed and take about an hour to go to sleep and then wake up about 5 hours later and have trouble getting back to sleep.

Despite being tired, I am still trying to hit my daily goals and am hoping that in a couple of weeks I will be able to sleep soundly.

 

No. Not sure if it is a good time to reveal it.

 

I am leaving to meet my GF today. We will be spending the long weekend together. I am hoping that we will have a good time and strengthen our relationship.

 

Just got back from my weekend trip with my girlfriend. It was a really nice trip filled with laughs and happy memories. We had intercourse a few times and I did not have many problems. I was able to get hard enough for sex and lasted for a few minutes. I know that the chaser effect is real, so I am trying to be proactive and mentally prepare for strong urges in the coming days now that my gf and have returned to our respective cities.

Porn addiction has made sex less enjoyable to me. Back when my gf and I first started dating, I started dabbling in NoFap. When we had sex, I was always nervous about whether I could get hard enough. She was very patient and I was able to get hard enough for penetration, but I would not last very long. I think PMO for all of these years of my life has wired me to orgasm as quickly as possible, since I was almost always using PMO to quickly relieve stress. Thus, when I had to have sex in real life, I was always climaxing way too quickly. Luckily my girlfriend loves me and has always made me feel at ease even if I have premature ejaculation or am having trouble getting hard. Nowadays, I am able to get hard and can last a few minutes. It seems that she enjoys the sex and I have learned other ways of pleasuring her without using my penis The last issue I face is that sex is not super enjoyable to me. I think my penis just isn't that sensitive. I am hoping that the longer that I abstain from porn, that the more enjoyable sex will be.

So, porn addiction has affected the quality of sex between my partner and I, but the main reason I am doing NoFap is so that I can improve the emotional connection between my partner and I. This past weekend, I was a lot more confident and my girlfriend and I were connecting and enjoying each other's company. We were laughing with one another and I was able to make her feel loved and special. I was not viewing her as someone that I can use for sex, but rather as someone that I want to share experiences with, grow with, and be with for a long time. I feel like I am becoming someone that she can count on to be there for her and to do everything I can to make her happy.

Anyways, things are looking up and I seem to be making progress.

 

I relapsed this morning. Last night, I did not sleep until 5am and when I woke up at 10am I had a really strong urge. I did not resist and my phone was directly next to my bed. I usually try to keep my phone out of my bedroom. Anyways, I need to prioritize sleeping and waking at a normal time. I was feeling really anxious last night, probably as a result of the chaser effect, so I was not able to sleep. I should have done something like stretching or deep breathing to help myself relieve the tension.

But anyways, that was a 20 day streak which is not bad for me. I need to try not to binge these next few days as a slip up is just like picking a scab but a binge is like pulling off the entire scab.

I am going to try and re focus and keep myself busy again

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to tell your SO about your porn problem? I want to tell my gf in a couple of days. I think it is important for me to get this off of my chest in order for our relationship to move further. I do not want to waste any more of her time. I want her to know the worst about me and then decide whether she wants to stay in this relationship. I do not want her to find out after dating me for another year and then feel regret over dating someone who has deceived her for two years.

 

Yesterday, I told my girlfriend about my porn addiction and my past relationships. I told her how I had come across pornography when I was young and had become increasingly dependent on it as I went through high school and college. I told her how I used it as a crutch to manage my stress, but am tackling the issue now to improve our relationship. She accepted me, telling me that she still loves me. In her previous relationship, she said that her ex had told her about watching porn and it had hurt her. She feels that many guys watch porn and that it is normalized. She thanked me for trusting her enough to tell her about it. Now that everything is out in the open, I no longer feel a tinge of guilt whenever I tell her that I love her now.

 

I have been having a bit of a hard time lately. Feeling stressed and have relapsed a few times. I am hoping to get things together soon.