The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Thinking about how PMO is super-normal stimuli. Training my brain to get dopamine from from achieving my goals instead of staring at pixels and fantasy.

 

Gentlemen.
It is with a humble and heavy heart that I must report that, after 185 days clean, a Nazgul pierced me directly through the heart, and I have fallen. The act itself was less than 5 minutes, late at night after an exhausted brain couldn't sleep, but the lead up was entirely my fault.

After passing six months clean, I decided I was ready to test the dating waters. That led to downloading some well known dating apps, and the lust-fueled dopamine engine roared back to life. Under the guise of 'finding a match', I spent a number of days basically fishing non-stop. I knew I was in dangerous waters, but the veneer of justification was just enough that I kept going. I was hooked. Had I been honest with myself, I would have reset my counter five days ago. I stopped doing the things that make my life worth living, that make me a unique and interesting individual, and instead became a gollum waiting for his precious alerts from women I have no business interacting with. It may not have been PMO at that point, but objectively it's just edging by another name when you're looking for 'matches' 200 miles away from you. This depleted my reserves and will-power, so when the urges hit hard last night, I was done. I've said it before, the decision to PMO always comes days before you actually do it, and I was no different. So please, gentlemen, learn from my mistake. These apps aren't designed to help you find a partner, they're designed to keep you hooked into their ecosystem, a slot machine of skin. Just don't go there.

All that said, I'm not too down. Truth is, I am ready to date, and there are safe ways to do so. I'm also working with a brain that's had 6 months of sobriety; I don't lose that from one slip. I remain a man of integrity by coming here and acknowledging my fall, and the man I truly am--strong, confident, invested in himself and others--is right there holding his hand out, with an empathetic smile, to pick me back up. I have been given the gift of remembering how devastating and awful feeling it is to be on the dopamine rollercoaster, how one dimensional life becomes, and I have no desire to make that my daily reality again. 5 minutes of PMO in 185 days ain't too bad, and that's how it's going to stay.

The apps are gone, the accounts deleted. I'll pursue romance the old fashion way, with patience, continuing to focus on making myself a man worth dating and trusting the process. I will no doubt have a chaser effect over the next few days, but I am prepared.

Here's to the next six months clean,

Humbly,
Jaberwaki

 

Wow, man. Thank you for sharing! In a moment of clarity, I deleted all dating apps on this streak and I will be careful to not download them again. As you hint at, there are better ways to meet women.

You're doing great and I wish you good luck in finding romance!

 

Day 53, trod on!
53 days – A death silence swept the halls. You try to pass unnoticed under the mountain but the PMO forces are cunning and have arisen.

 

I wouldn't recommend it, man. Speaking from someone who messes up all the time, I feel like I know what you're going through and I humbly think you need to change how you're thinking about this.

You shouldn't wait for your life to get together before you feel comfortable posting. That's not what this community is about. We're here to help you out and support you in these moments. Even in all the mess-ups, you posting here and trying again IS getting your life together. All we have to do is be a little better than yesterday to be improving.

Feel free to take a break if you like, but don't wait for your life to get together before returning. Speaking from experience, it might not! (at least the way you hope)

 

@jaberwaki Ah, my heart hurts for you. I'm really inspired by you though, not just what you were able to accomplish till now, but how you are processing this slight slip. I totally think it's the right approach.

Thank you for sharing.

P.S. I think you'll find great joy in acting the fool around girls. You'll definitely find yourself smiling!

 

Messed up late last night... Just stupidity. Sheer stupidity. Today will be better.

Back to 0, working on day 1.

 

Brother, you've got this! Just don't binge and you're safe. And thank you for your advice, that experience is certainly useful for us. I can testify it, the process of falling starts long before the act itself. I'd like to know what to do when we find ourselves in that process. How can we avoid the relapse when we see it's coming?

 

20 days – With rain and fog you enter the old village of Bree.

Time for a pint!

 

Day 2 complete! Chaser effect is still strong and the mind is struggling to keep away the thoughts. Though I am happy I started recording again. The goal is to mold the mind and the body to write and create in the next following days/weeks.

 

Day 410

 

Orc checking in

 

400 + days semen retention

How I'm doing right now

Right now I think porn or masturbation are not a problem for me. Maybe I have a little problem with attractive girls that are damaged goods. I usually say no to them. But I need to give up the beauty of a woman even if they want to have sex with me. I'm almost a year of no casual sex. So that's good.

I think I don't jerk off because if I do that's a down road spiral to casual sex and being controlled by my desires and also I'll be contributing to female depravity. I don't like people to go down because of me I'll never help a women to be corrupted even if they want to and want to have sex with me as a casual fling. So far so good.

 

Day 157

 

Dear Fellowship... I regret to inform you that I have been delayed. Indeed, I was too arrogant in how well I was doing and thought I would be safe within the walls of Bree. I let my guard down and was assaulted by a Nazgûl. This wasn't the usual breed though; it was a Nazgûl of fantasy, even more powerful as it can get you any time anywhere. I put myself in a foolish position and based on past experience I should have known not to. I was simply careless and gave into edging, and eventually it got me. One thing I can say is that I didn't relapse to porn, but the MO is still part of it and this is indeed a relapse.

I don't think it has hit me yet... One thing is for sure, edging can't happen again, but it's almost compulsive so it's the hardest part to resist for me.

 

367 days

Thnx mate

 

Protect your P streak from the Nazguls, they will still looking the zone on the next days.

Send them to the shi** !