Thoughts and urges in my Head

IceColdKilla · Jul 26, 2021

I have been on the Nofap journey on and off for the past 5 years of my life. When I started off with fapping I was a kid who was around 14 years old who found so much pleasure in fapping and pornography.It was such an addictive behaviour for me that I constantly looked forward to it every single day when I was at school and it would probably be the first thing that I always did when I got back home.

After breaking multiple streaks over these past 5 years last year I took a firm resolve to abstain because I realised I had lost so much of my life to a shitty behaviour. I'm literally 6 days away from hitting the ONE YEAR MARK .But recently over these 2 weeks my mind seems to be have been taken over by some kind of lust filled demon that constantly pours so much thoughts and urges regarding porn, making me thinking of weird and infact aggressive titles to type in Google to watch porn. I know that if I go back I'm going to be absolutely finished because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I loved my life over the past 11 months.
I really don't know as to what is going on with my mind throwing up so many exaggerated urges . I am unable to focus sometimes and my mind tells me that maybe relapsing is the best idea so that I can just get on with my work.
I'm at a point in my life where I am making something out of myself and I'm proud of myself. I am not willing to give it up for 5 seconds of percieved pleasure.
The reasoning behind me posting this huge paragraph ( or essay if you like ) is because I want to know if people have had this phase and how have they overcome it because despite me getting through everyday I really would appreciate advice on what is currently happening and what steps I should take since I feel that this urge filled phase of my life is eating at my social life since I can't seem to talk at all even with my closest friends and I just feel like breaking down.

Randy Andy · Jul 26, 2021

IceColdKilla said: ↑

I have been on the Nofap journey on and off for the past 5 years of my life. When I started off with fapping I was a kid who was around 14 years old who found so much pleasure in fapping and pornography.It was such an addictive behaviour for me that I constantly looked forward to it every single day when I was at school and it would probably be the first thing that I always did when I got back home.

After breaking multiple streaks over these past 5 years last year I took a firm resolve to abstain because I realised I had lost so much of my life to a shitty behaviour. I'm literally 6 days away from hitting the ONE YEAR MARK .But recently over these 2 weeks my mind seems to be have been taken over by some kind of lust filled demon that constantly pours so much thoughts and urges regarding porn, making me thinking of weird and infact aggressive titles to type in Google to watch porn. I know that if I go back I'm going to be absolutely finished because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I loved my life over the past 11 months.
I really don't know as to what is going on with my mind throwing up so many exaggerated urges . I am unable to focus sometimes and my mind tells me that maybe relapsing is the best idea so that I can just get on with my work.
I'm at a point in my life where I am making something out of myself and I'm proud of myself. I am not willing to give it up for 5 seconds of percieved pleasure.
The reasoning behind me posting this huge paragraph ( or essay if you like ) is because I want to know if people have had this phase and how have they overcome it because despite me getting through everyday I really would appreciate advice on what is currently happening and what steps I should take since I feel that this urge filled phase of my life is eating at my social life since I can't seem to talk at all even with my closest friends and I just feel like breaking down.
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This is called hitting the wall. Some of what you described is standard for sobriety: I feel triggered who knows how often, sometimes it's exactly what you shared where ideas for internet searches will consume my mind, feels like I can't think of anything else, like I really really want to run that search, look at that pornography, masturbate, then do it again. That's fine since I have a solution. If a problem has an easy solution is it still a problem?
Everybody hits the wall, the question is if we have a solution so that we can keep going sober and reasonably happy about it. Reasonably happy about life in general is usually possible too but if not I settle for sober until I can be both sober and happy . I hit the wall pretty hard a couple weeks ago, would've been Saturday the tenth. Very grateful I remembered what to do and stuck with it for hours, ended up reasonably happy which is a hell of a lot better than I'd feel if I had given in to the things my mind was particularly obsessed with that particular day.

IceColdKilla · Jul 27, 2021

Randy Andy said: ↑

This is called hitting the wall. Some of what you described is standard for sobriety: I feel triggered who knows how often, sometimes it's exactly what you shared where ideas for internet searches will consume my mind, feels like I can't think of anything else, like I really really want to run that search, look at that pornography, masturbate, then do it again. That's fine since I have a solution. If a problem has an easy solution is it still a problem?
Everybody hits the wall, the question is if we have a solution so that we can keep going sober and reasonably happy about it. Reasonably happy about life in general is usually possible too but if not I settle for sober until I can be both sober and happy . I hit the wall pretty hard a couple weeks ago, would've been Saturday the tenth. Very grateful I remembered what to do and stuck with it for hours, ended up reasonably happy which is a hell of a lot better than I'd feel if I had given in to the things my mind was particularly obsessed with that particular day.
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I sadly ended up relapsing few hours after this post. It was so bad I looked up for call girls in my locality before I eventually ended up fapping to porn and the worst part is now the images and the idea of having a call girl is engrave din my mind that it's constantly in my thoughts.
I don't want to do all of these things that are superficial and in fact fake pleasure.
You mentioned about having solutions could you please tell me what you do when you end up in such a situation because I am absolutely shattered after last night . I could barely sleep because my mind was racing about these thoughts after relapsing and kept pushing me to keep going and I had the worst night in my life.
I identified a few things that I should have done differently and immediately logged them onto my phone. These things inclue - Going out of my room , not using my phone , going to sleep rather than using my phone .
I'm at a point where I know that if I go back to fapping I might actually get into more messier stuff than usual and that's going to be the end of me. Any help is appreciated

Randy Andy · Jul 27, 2021

IceColdKilla said: ↑

I sadly ended up relapsing few hours after this post. It was so bad I looked up for call girls in my locality before I eventually ended up fapping to porn and the worst part is now the images and the idea of having a call girl is engrave din my mind that it's constantly in my thoughts.
I don't want to do all of these things that are superficial and in fact fake pleasure.
You mentioned about having solutions could you please tell me what you do when you end up in such a situation because I am absolutely shattered after last night . I could barely sleep because my mind was racing about these thoughts after relapsing and kept pushing me to keep going and I had the worst night in my life.
I identified a few things that I should have done differently and immediately logged them onto my phone. These things inclue - Going out of my room , not using my phone , going to sleep rather than using my phone .
I'm at a point where I know that if I go back to fapping I might actually get into more messier stuff than usual and that's going to be the end of me. Any help is appreciated
Click to expand...

Sure, there's a whole system of things that we can do and luckily they are bigger than "just don't do it.". There's a place for that but when I only knew to "not do x not do y not do z not do a not do b" it felt negative and constricting and I would give in. Now I give up plus practice.
The first thing that I did based on what some addicts who werent using anymore taught me to do was to dwell on my inability to leave pm+ alone. Even when I really wanted to I hadn't been able to stop. Even with therapy, religion, getting married, hurting myself to punish pm+, starting up a fight club to try to get community, all together no difference.
There's a lot more to it but basically it started for me with going to a twelve step meeting and ive been a lot happier ever since (overall that is not every minute)

mentorr · Jul 28, 2021

IceColdKilla said: ↑

I have been on the Nofap journey on and off for the past 5 years of my life. When I started off with fapping I was a kid who was around 14 years old who found so much pleasure in fapping and pornography.It was such an addictive behaviour for me that I constantly looked forward to it every single day when I was at school and it would probably be the first thing that I always did when I got back home.

After breaking multiple streaks over these past 5 years last year I took a firm resolve to abstain because I realised I had lost so much of my life to a shitty behaviour. I'm literally 6 days away from hitting the ONE YEAR MARK .But recently over these 2 weeks my mind seems to be have been taken over by some kind of lust filled demon that constantly pours so much thoughts and urges regarding porn, making me thinking of weird and infact aggressive titles to type in Google to watch porn. I know that if I go back I'm going to be absolutely finished because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I loved my life over the past 11 months.
I really don't know as to what is going on with my mind throwing up so many exaggerated urges . I am unable to focus sometimes and my mind tells me that maybe relapsing is the best idea so that I can just get on with my work.
I'm at a point in my life where I am making something out of myself and I'm proud of myself. I am not willing to give it up for 5 seconds of percieved pleasure.
The reasoning behind me posting this huge paragraph ( or essay if you like ) is because I want to know if people have had this phase and how have they overcome it because despite me getting through everyday I really would appreciate advice on what is currently happening and what steps I should take since I feel that this urge filled phase of my life is eating at my social life since I can't seem to talk at all even with my closest friends and I just feel like breaking down.
Click to expand...

I’m sorry to hear that you relapsed, but moreso that I couldn’t get a message to you sooner.

This week I hit 2 years of recovery and pretty much as soon as The 2 year mark hit, I started to struggle heavily with LUST. It is almost like a constant stream of lustful thoughts around women, alongside really strange and twisted images.

The points I try to remember is that the thoughts aren’t actually my own. It’s just an old part of you coming to the surface. I just let the thoughts pop up, acknowledge that they are weird and odd, most of all that they do not belong to me and then move on with my day. The moment you greet the thought or give it attention, you strengthen it and the thought then evolves into a desire. Give the desire enough attention and it turns into an action (a binge).

The point is your brain sits at the top of your body and your genitals towards the bottom for a reason. Your brain (mind) should govern your body (desires). The moment LUST shows up, do something to distract yourself and refuse it any attention. As time passes the thoughts will begin to dissipate. You have to be ready and vigilant 24/7.

cresyhorse · Jul 28, 2021

IceColdKilla said: ↑

I have been on the Nofap journey on and off for the past 5 years of my life. When I started off with fapping I was a kid who was around 14 years old who found so much pleasure in fapping and pornography.It was such an addictive behaviour for me that I constantly looked forward to it every single day when I was at school and it would probably be the first thing that I always did when I got back home.

After breaking multiple streaks over these past 5 years last year I took a firm resolve to abstain because I realised I had lost so much of my life to a shitty behaviour. I'm literally 6 days away from hitting the ONE YEAR MARK .But recently over these 2 weeks my mind seems to be have been taken over by some kind of lust filled demon that constantly pours so much thoughts and urges regarding porn, making me thinking of weird and infact aggressive titles to type in Google to watch porn. I know that if I go back I'm going to be absolutely finished because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I loved my life over the past 11 months.
I really don't know as to what is going on with my mind throwing up so many exaggerated urges . I am unable to focus sometimes and my mind tells me that maybe relapsing is the best idea so that I can just get on with my work.
I'm at a point in my life where I am making something out of myself and I'm proud of myself. I am not willing to give it up for 5 seconds of percieved pleasure.
The reasoning behind me posting this huge paragraph ( or essay if you like ) is because I want to know if people have had this phase and how have they overcome it because despite me getting through everyday I really would appreciate advice on what is currently happening and what steps I should take since I feel that this urge filled phase of my life is eating at my social life since I can't seem to talk at all even with my closest friends and I just feel like breaking down.
Click to expand...

this is from my orthodox perspective:

-living liturgically and fasting seem to calm down that inner beast, might not even be inner. as you said, albeit maybe jokingly, that lust demon. praying in times of calm and in times of the storm.

-mechanically avoiding those thoughts and being preoccupied with productive and beautiful subjects.

on the other hand this might just be a test of sort...
hold on through this very troublesome period and the storm will pass. the thing is, I have something to hold onto. I hold on to Jesus and the rain eventually stops. the heavy storm makes the calmness that proceeds ever so beautiful.

you're in a tough spot, but this too, shall pass.

IceColdKilla · Jul 28, 2021

Thanks for your support @Randy Andy @mentorr and @cresyhorse. Yeah I literally had the same phase you are going through where I suddenly had these vivid thoughts and images and scenarios popping up that were on what I would call the "extreme " end of the spectrum pushing me to do things I as a person have never even thought of doing .
Right now I'm practicing to acknowledge the fact that these thoughts exist and rather than suppress them just let them pass and be thoughts . Another thing i have started to do is try to lower my gaze in order to avoid oogling at women who look beautiful because I know for a fact that the reason I'm staring at them is to fill with my head with fantasies.
Lo-ki (pls no spoilers have to watch it this weekend) sick and tired of living fantasies . I want to learn to live in the here and now. I want to learn to love myself and be able to communicate with my friend and family and build strong meaningful relationships rather than fooling myself that I'm doing something that's good and down the road realise that I have ended up in the dirt all because I was not learning to control myself for that 1 minute where the urge hits.

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Thoughts and urges in my Head

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