So I'm not quite sure what this thread is gonna be yet, but I really felt I needed to write something. Yesterday I relapsed after having a good 2 weeks of no PMO. Like always I was fully to blame, I managed to secure my pc and mobile phone partly through a2u and partly through setting up all kind of passwords I wouldnt have acces to, yet yesterday I found another way to browse the internet unnoticed. Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong but I made myself believe I couldn't stop myself because I couldn't resist these urges. (first lie from the devil) ''No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.''. And then there was this other feeling that I used to justify my actions ''You had a great 2 weeks, it couldn't hurt to have some fun now''. (The second lie from the devil) And so I relapsed, immediately after feeling extremely guilty. Now instead of going to God to pray for my sins, I already was setting up plans om how to be sure not to relapse next time. I blocked the way that I used this time to browse the internet, I decided I would start excersising each day, I told myself to leave my mobile phone downstairs and not look on any device after 8 PM... The more I was thinking about plans to prevent myself from relapsing again the more anxious I got. I started feeling negative and was asking myself what I actually accomplished these 1.5 years I have been fighting PMO, I haven't had streaks lomnger than 3 weeks, am I really improving? Somewhere along the line I felt I needed to do these things in order to get accepted by God. I felt like my connection with him was broken and I needed to build things up from scratch to grow again. Then I decided, to read my bible. I read a couple of chapters of Mathew, and slowely but steadily I felt calm. Like someone saying to me ''it's alright, you are mine''. (Although I can't say for sure, can't put it into words really). And after all the anxiety and worries I had a couple of minutes before fell of my shoulders and I could start again. That doesn't mean everything went perfectly well again the next day. I had troubles doing the things I wanted to do this morning, but just now I opened NF and read the post Tao posted about ''not having to accomplish anything in order to belong to God''. God says I belong to him, even though I watch P, and even if I don't do my daily tasks etc. So I feel blessed, really blessed. When I started thinking about that I realised so much actually did happen this year. Through the internet I've found this great community I can share my worries with, I found three great AP's who encourage me each time when I feel down. Someone helped me to pay an a2u account, trusting that I would pay him back, so that my pc and mobile would be properly monitored (for the most part). And even though I still haven't had a very long streak, I did notice a change in myself that I enjoy P much less than I used to. Before I used to enjoy before relapse and feel guilty after. Now however I often feel bad even before relapsing. So no, I think God has helped me getting further on my journey although it sometimes doesn't feel like it. Therefore I want to thank God, and I want to continue trying to live as closely to him as possible, knowing that I will make mistakes every hour. A couple of year ago I told my father about my addiciton. I expected him to give me all kind of advices on what to do, yet the only thing he said was: ''It's a good thing you know watching P is a bad thing, now pray, be patient and know that God is mercifull''. After saying that he never talked to me about this again. In the beginning I thought this was strange, but the longer I am fighting this the more I feel like it might be as complicated and simple as he said.
Well, those words are indeed Biblical: "1 But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. 2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." - Isaisah 43:1-2 (ESV) As long as you have the will to quit and the desire to be free from this addiction, you are achieving something. And, as you said, quoting Tao, we don't need to achieve anything to please God anyway. Christ has already taken care of that. He has redeemed us! But I understand how hard it feels, especially when we don't seem to be making progress. But set-backs are normal, so don't feel ashamed. I've gone years without P (but not without MO), even deciding I "don't need CovenantEyes anymore" and cancelling that, only to get caught up in online content again a couple of years back. Currently I'm on the best No-PMO streak I've ever had, but I live every day on the assumption that could end at any time. Recognising our weakness if what keeps us alert. And who knows... if we didn't recognise these failures, maybe we'd be failing even more and in an even worse place! I'll be praying for you!
I love your father's advice. He says it very well. It is indeed incredibly simple to be free -- and also the most difficult battle we may ever fight in this life. May God bless you as you pursue the Son. It is a journey we will never regret taking. Onward!
Thank you for sharing this bible verse Xande, I've heard this many times but didn't remember where this was written! Also thanks for your message, this encourages me to go on
Recall when the Roman centurion asked Our Lord to heal this servant. Matthew 7:6 (Knox) "So Jesus set out in their company; and when he was already near the house, the centurion sent some friends to him; Do not put thyself to any trouble, Lord, he said; I am not worthy to receive thee under my roof." St. Augustine said of this miracle, “Counting himself unworthy that Christ should enter into his doors, he was counted worthy that Christ should enter into his heart.”
