My life depends on this...

Hey good people,

I would like to extend a thank you to the creators of this website. Having a forum where people can reflect on their choices to delve into pornography and excessive masturbation is valuable in today's sexualized world. We live in a society that promotes sexual deviation in all forms. It is difficult to even justify sexual purity when everyone else is involved in hookup culture, loves porn, and sees no problem here.

I'd like to share a little bit about me to get some context as to why I am here. I started consuming pornography when I was 14. This was also the time my parents got divorced, and my father moved out. I don't blame my father for my choices, but some of you may find this useful. I would go to grocery stores and libraries and look at magazines to get aroused. Eventually, I moved on to the internet, deftly dodging my parents and making excuses for prolonged periods to hunt for videos.

Also during this time, and not surprisingly, I became extremely socially awkward. I watched my friends navigate social waters quite easily, getting girlfriends and becoming happy. I was often sidelined and given odd stares. I was afraid to interact because of repeated social failures.

As I approached 18, I started to go on dates, and things seemed to get better. I was having friendships with girls and guys alike. I was still watching porn, however. I had a girlfriend when I was in high school. We tried to have sex, but I couldn't even achieve an erection because I was surprised she had pubic hair. Pornography literally ruined my first sexual experience because I expected shaved pubes to be a sexual norm.

It didn't get much better when I entered college. I normally dated and had flings with overweight girls and women that I wasn't compatible with. I settled for these relationships because I had very low self-esteem. I approached dating with a gratitude mentality, often selling myself short. I was still watching pornography throughout college, and of course, this was enabled by peers who were using it too.

I graduated college and got a full-time job. I was doing pretty well finding myself and figuring out who I wanted to be, but I was still consuming porn. I had the occasional fling here and there, but these opportunities were coincidental and rarely intentional.

At around 27, I started listening to books and podcasts about game. The idea that men could exhibit their behavior to seduce women was an incredible revelation to me. I implemented game and had moderate success, but sometimes got lucky with some beautiful women.

It wasn't until I started reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida that I started realizing how far gone I was. It was a very sobering fact that I had wasted much of my sexuality through pornography and mismatched flings in my younger years. I set out on a new path to re-wire my brain and conquer my porn addiction forever.

For about two years, I was successful. I created a book of declarations that I would read each morning. I literally taught myself to become a better man. This led to the discovery of my current wife. We had a great relationship until about July of 2020. We had a massive argument and she left me. I slipped back into pornography because I was angry at her, and the concept of marriage in general.

My wife and I did reunite, but she is discouraged by the fact that I am back on porn. She is furious with me, and I have more of a reason to quit now than ever. If I don't get control of this, I can kiss my marriage goodbye. My marriage is paramount to me, but being a great father is crucial to my existence. I could easily see myself committing suicide if my future children become misguided in the way I was when I was younger, and even a little bit now.

I am here because I am back at porn about 1-2 times a month. I want to get that number down to 0, and I hope to abstain from porn and subsequently masturbation outside of the bedroom indefinitely. I look forward to your comments, suggestions, criticisms, and any information any of you have to offer.