The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 27

 

day 36- elf

 

A „prelapse“
I“ll remember that motto.
Thank you again for answering!

I feel not so great today. But right now it seems I’m over the hump.
I decided that I want a positive outlook, not a negative. This reset-mentality is dangerous. I reset my counter BUT NOT MY JOURNEY.
I can’t afford to reset my recovery process again and again. So I must interpret and use the relapse as a stepping stone …

 

I failed , but i will not binge , i will stand fast again

 

Day 2 no urges yet, I'm preparing for the next days

 

Uruk-Hai today. Feeling centered and sane, and continuing to guard my mind and attention. Be well everyone.

 

470 days SR
42 days no sex

A bit tired
Sleep: Woke up at 2am.
Gym & girls: rest day /yoga. A girl at the gym very attractive told me to give her a neck massage, which I did. The girl I'm seeing at the gym I told her yesterday that we're just friends, she kind of likes to talk a lot and doesn't want to see me outside the gym, she wants to know me better before moving things further this looks like she wants to control the relationship so I put a break on it and used the friend card, I'm surprised she texted me good morning today and gave me a kiss today at the gym.

Yesterday a fitness model I dated past weekend texted me 6 minutes after I told the gym girl we were just friends. I honestly forgot about her, we didn't talk since then. We almost had sex that day.

I always back off a little after being intimate with a girl, even do everything varies on each case, usually when I get intimate with a girl that is the moment I stop chasing I wait for them to text me first, to be more into me, girls need that, for you to be a bit of a challenge, even do I do it naturally I don't play games I simply back off a bit.

She seems to be really into me, I think probably I'll be with her some months because she's leaving the country.

The gym girl, I don't see any certainty with her so I'll simply will roll slow with her. The girl I gave a massage today we've been talking lately and I'm considering her too, she's very attractive too but there's something I don't like about her I'm not sure what it is.

There's some other girls but it's not certain so I don't want to mention it. I'm still waiting for the right girl, so no rush.

Study: really hard almost non stop, I didn't meditate too much today and added cold showers. I'm feeling a bit tired.

 

Messed up yesterday. I really need to be better at not binging when I fail. There's just something in my head that says "whelp! might as well do whatever till tomorrow!" Which is not right and not helpful. I need to stop it. It's difficult though as I don't want to PMO at all! So, it feels like a weird change of mindset or something.

Anyway, I'm going to work on that. Till then though, I got to just pull myself up by the bootstraps and just keep going, keep pushing.

The other day, I felt like I made a lot of good decisions to avoid temptations. So, that's a plus I can hold onto.

 

“Deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised.”

Sticking to it!

 

Put this behind you bro! Common, let’s become hobbits together now! Nobody let’s the other one down for at least 20 days, ok?

 

Day 7 completed, approaching Urukdom again

 

Day 5

 

Day 4.
Bad day

 

Day 2

I slipped the other day, clean since Tuesday at 6:00 am.

It's been rough. I haven't been consistent and that's the problem, in addition to avoidance of tasks and broader life issues.

I'm back on the horse today, and trying to sit more firmly in the saddle.

 

Another day with weights workout, morning woods are back and can't tell that I 'm happy about them,without them I sleep much better. Life feels like adventure but I'd like to improve my ability to see the bigger picture, the total perspective of things in life. Seems like my ability to concentrate quite often tends to go deeper and deeper into details without staying on original plan...

 

How shitty is my life you ask... it's almost midnight, I'm alone in the ER... because of porn. I'm not even making this shit out.
This is ROCK BOTTOM.

I was supposed to go camping with my girlfriend and some other friends but i didn't feel great so I've stayed home and they are far away camping in the desert.

And then I was home alone. Just me, porn and some lube I've never tried before that I've bought when I've realized that I'm home alone and going to binge like hall.

And I did. I've watched porn for something like 4 hours with the new lube.
Until I've looked down and saw I had a swallen part on my dick.
It's been 3 hours and it's still swallen. And I'm writing this in the ER with people having real problems and me sitting here like the biggest loser in the world.

If this wouldn't help me quit than noting short of just cutting it off won't help me. Fuck my life

 

Day 75, trod on!
75 days – You face difficulties walking though the razor-sharp winding paths of Emyn Muil. A fallen brother named Gollum offers help and guidance. He doesn´t seem reliable but he knows the way out of the maze, so you decide to follow him.