Is a full recovery even possible? Overcoming despair

Hello, before I start, I'd like to say that I'm a new user and only have a rudimentary grasp of the rules. I hope I don't break any rules by posting this thread. (I'll leave a TL;DR for those who are short on time...or are just lazy like myself haha.)

Right now it's 2:34 AM and I'm once again, like every night/day, consumed by this uncomfortable pressure in my stomach, and this appalling desire to masturbate. More awareness goes to my groin area, and I can feel my lust slowly rising. I know that I'm headed towards that inevitable loss of will, followed by the release, and finally ending up swallowed in my own defeat and bitterness.

I turned 21 around two weeks ago, and I've taken the opportunity for some introspection and to think about my life, like where I've gone wrong or right. I realized then that I've been addicted to masturbation and by extension, pornography for about 9 years now.

I remember when the mere sight of a naked female would excite me. One picture would be enough to think about for days! I remember how my tastes slowly went from 'vanilla' to more specific genres. Eventually, I grew bored of that too, and I resorted to extremes. I always used to be strictly heterosexual...I think. It's been a few years since I started enjoying pornography not matching my sexual orientation, and now I even doubt whether I was completely heterosexual, to begin with. Eventually, when my addiction grew bored of warping my sexual orientation, it began targetting my pride, my values, and what I consider what it means to be a man (partially based on my Arab/Muslim culture and upbringing). I began to go from enjoying occupying a dominant position and being in control, to liking to lose control being dominated instead. If that was it, I would only be slightly disturbed but unfortunately, the addict constantly craves novelty. That change in preference rapidly went to an extreme. I started enjoying being roughly dominated, to eventually... and it really brings me a lot of shame, anger, and bitterness to say this...to cuckoldry. Now it's almost the only thing that gets me off. My younger self would never recognize me today. I was forced to end a relationship and go through tremendous suffering both to myself and to other individuals. This change happened in the past year.

That brings me to today. After countless PMO sessions, followed by incredible shame and self-loathing, I feel myself succumbing to despair. No matter what I do, no matter what distractions I employ, techniques I try, it all seems so.. futile. I created this account as an act of desperation. Is there anyone out there who is in a similar predicament? Who has perhaps fought the same kind of despair born from countless instances of shame and, in my opinion, emasculation and has come out victorious? And if so, is there any advice or wisdom you can share with me? Specifically in dealing with fantasies or fetishes that really go against what you stand for. Is it possible to truly reverse this warping of sexual orientation, for these fantasies to never have an influence on me, even after becoming sexually active with a partner?
But most importantly, I just want to know if there's hope. Hope for someone who dug a hole so deep, he can barely see the light. I seriously need a pat on the back and maybe some reassurance...

Thank you for reading my late-night, depressed rambling session haha

TL;DR - I have fetishes and fantasies that aren't only against my 'original' sexual orientation, it also goes against my values, and my own sense of personal dignity. I've found myself more and more consumed by despair and want to know whether it's even possible to save myself. I'm looking for kindred souls who have come out victorious. I want to know whether a full revert is even possible or if becoming sexually active will trigger all these fantasies to come back.

 

Forgive me if I misunderstood what you said, but I partially disagree. I think nuance is important and in this case, the devil is in the details. I do agree that porn itself is bad, and I wholeheartedly share the desire to fully abstain from porn like many of us, but if I had to pick my poison, I’d go with the ‘vanilla’ in a heartbeat. I find your sentiment akin to saying that “whether it’s beer or vodka.. it doesn’t matter, it’s all just alcohol in the end.” Just like porn, I feel like some fetishes are less harmful than others.

Alas, my friend, you make it sound like finding purpose and meaning in life is a trivial task. I’ve given it a lot of thought and yet I still wander aimlessly through life. Do you maybe have advice or wisdom to share on that front? I’d love to hear a Buddhist’s perspective on it.

 

Lol. Well, thanks for sharing your insight. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to do that.

 

Thank you so much for sharing all this knowledge. I'm humbled by the effort you put to inform and steer me in the right direction.

I looked over your journal a little bit and I completely sympathize with you. The situation you find yourself in with your husband is one of the situations that plagued my mind the most when I decided to end my relationship prematurely. I can see that you genuinely love your husband, and I sincerely hope for his full recovery, but more importantly, I hope both of you are able to find more prosperity, growth, and fulfillment in the midst of this predicament. The love (and patience) you hold for your husband is very enviable, may such a treasure never be lost.

Regarding the information you shared with me, you've illuminated many of the problems and doubts clouding my mind. The road to a full recovery seems to be a possibility, albeit from what I get from your story, it's a long and arduous one. I have considered therapy as a solution but my past experiences with one, along with some of my (somewhat informed) preconceptions about them make me very hesitant to use them except as a last resort. They say that addiction is, generally speaking, a way to cope with pain. I agree with that notion and I partially blame the addiction on the unpleasant circumstances surrounding my life. Diagnosed with depression, I've always found it hard to enjoy life or find the necessary motivation to undertake even the most basic of habits. PMO has always been an easy way to get that little bit of happiness that I needed in a veritable sea of apathy and emptiness that awaited me that day. Thank you for sharing your research with me though, I found the one about DeltaFosB to be very insightful. It's interesting to see how these little proteins have such an effect on my brain. Is it still easy to fall on old habits, or perhaps, after a cue or stimuli, feel arousal towards a 'fake' fetish even after the DeltaFosB has returned to basal levels? Could you also perhaps tell me the things your husband uses as a way to distract himself when the urges come?

I've read some of the stories of some recovering or 'fully recovered' addicts. A common point they all share is, as you and the 'Buddhist' above you said, having a purpose. Living life like your husband aims to. Much thanks to my partial inability to find much enjoyment in life, I found it very hard to really center my life around a particular career, abstract notion, or simple enjoyment of life itself. I find it very hard to empathize with friends and acquaintances when I ask them the age-old question.. "why do you do this?". Some of the most conscientious or fulfilled individuals that I know have a vague purpose at best. Most just shrug their shoulders. Some have a general purpose or aim, but mostly vague and aren't articulated very well. But I wholeheartedly agree that having a purpose or aim in life will absolutely help. I also believe that 'Habits maketh the man'. I know very well that the source of my depression, and my extension also my addiction, is because I live a very very shitty life with shitty habits, mostly my fault and within my control. Yet I look at this road ahead of me.. this monster and I become highly intimidated, fear the worst, be overcome by despair... and instead, I just go and do another PMO session to forget about my problems. I have this tendency to wallow in my own self-pity, and perhaps also hypocritically, hate myself for being so weak as to constantly drown in my own misery instead of not getting things done. Haha, it's a predicament indeed. It's a downwards spiral because my shitty habits feed my depression and the depression robs me of my motivation which ends up feeding the bad habits. This is also why I highly believe that a fully articulated and noble purpose in life can drive a wedge in that spiral and hopefully provide me with enough of a pushing force to fix my bad habits and slow that spiral down, perhaps even reverse it. But I digress.

Again, thank you so much for taking the effort in giving me all this information. I hope you know that this is genuinely appreciated. I hope I can end this little rant with one final question: why do you do this? what is your purpose? If you don't mind me asking, of course! I know you're not a PA, but I am still very curious.

I wish you good luck on your journey as well, DefendMyHeart!

 

I sincerely appreciate you sharing all these posts with me.

For now, I've only taken a look at your story, and wow. You, sir, are an inspiration. Genuinely. I look up to you. Mainly because the fetishes you described in your story are almost identical to what I have right now. You've spoken about your recovery and it gives me a lot of hope. Thank you so much for sharing these links. I will check them all out as soon as I can.

Looking at your forum signature, I am considering sending you a private message regarding some of the more personal concerns that I have, I hope you don't mind that.

 

Thank you for reassuring me of this. Knowing someone else is struggling with similar fetishes and thoughts as me brings me hope, almost like a sense of unity. I hope you are right, my friend.

 

Wow. What an insightful read. First of all, I apologize for the belated reply. Thank you so much for answering my questions, your words have (again) illuminated so many of the questions clouding my mind. Your husband is indeed lucky to have a wife with a background like yourself. Perhaps I should consider therapy again, to tackle the depression that has plagued me ever since my teenage years.

I absolutely agree with this notion. Your reaction towards the stimuli is what either weakens or strengthens your bad habits. What I was mostly worried about is whether this change in my brain has been solidified as such that I will never be able to react to these stimuli as a healthy average person would. I feared that no matter how far along the path to recovery I would be, I would always hold a certain 'weakness' toward these stimuli. This fear did not abate when I realized how common these sorts of stimuli are in entertainment media, and in society in general. To use your example:

In my mind, the most ideal situation would be where I wouldn't need to turn away or shut it off at all. I wish for it to not affect my state of mind whatsoever, and instead, to just watch the ad and take an interest in the product they're advertising. I understand this being hardly feasible in the first few years, but I just genuinely hope that this is possible eventually.

Haha, I'd like to apologize for making you read that paragraph where I just went into this mess of a rant. What you're saying is very interesting, I agree with this psychoanalytic perspective. This fear has been very paralyzing to me, I'm hardly able to take action because of it. I hope you can share some advice with me on what the first step(s) could be in tackling this fear. Should I look back in my past and see where this fear first manifested itself and why? Or should I focus on the future instead, take the bull by the horns and just give it a try, with a focus on familiarizing myself with the process and the road ahead. Maybe once I'm in the swing of things, my path ahead will seem less intimidating, as it requires less effort to maintain compared to before I started. It would bring me a lot of joy to hear your thoughts about this if you don't mind.

Wow. Very noble and selfless. Some might say it's borderline self-sacrificial. I hold nothing but tremendous respect for you and your purpose. Being the cynic that I am, I envy your will and devotion towards the path you've chosen. I can imagine this to be a double-edged sword. I hope that the good moments are filled with nothing but joy and fulfillment. And I hope that the bad moments are filled with nothing but growth and learning.

 

Hey! Thank you for answering my question. I genuinely appreciate you taking your time to share this, you have no idea how much this means to me.

Strangely enough, I know exactly what you mean why "move the energy up". These three 'steps' I've tried numerous times. My main problem is that the stimulus stays in my mind branded like a picture, no matter what I do. In fact, I suspect my brain 'focuses' and remembers more vividly the parts that are most arousing to me. I find it incredibly difficult to remove that 'image' from my mind, no matter what I tell myself. The rare occasion that I do succeed is only when something 'important' happens. Important enough for my short-term memory to forget that stimulus and to focus itself on the task at hand. Do you perhaps have any techniques or advice on how I can most quickly forget what I saw on my screen?

Does the place where you habitually do PMO also fall under the umbrella of 'triggering environments'? Or do you specifically mean only the places that put you at risk of exposure to more stimuli? For example, I usually PMO in my bedroom but most stimuli are always on social media. Is it okay to just stay in my bedroom and just turn off my social media or my phone in general, or is it a better idea to also exit my bedroom entirely? To just go and relax in my living room instead.

I'd love to hear more man, and again, thank you for sharing this information. I wish you nothing but the best on your road to recovery. You have my respect.