35 and older accountability, Group 2

Welp I read the rules but I clearly didn't understand them, sorry

I added it, hopefully it shows up.

 

Day 18

 

This is the work of our condition. The discipline and pleasure we have to find in ordinary living to have it be just enough for us to stay sober and when it’s not enough, for us to find a way to get through to the next day when it is enough for us.

 

Day 18 - Checking In

 

Thank you for adding me to the group. I am 39. I have been exposed to porn all my life. It was something that was readily accessible in the home I grew up in and was not discouraged in any way. I dabbled with printed material since I was about 11. I got my first pc when I was 19 and it got worse from there. To begin with, it was something I didn't think anything about. As time went on, it became more frequent. Fast forward to 2017 I realized for the first time I was a addict. Early in 2018 I was so disgusted that I wanted to die. That is when I reached out to a friend who has counseled and mentored me ever since. I have been lurking on this site since then. I have made significant improvement from where I was but was still relapsing. My last relapse was on the 28th. I was so disgusted and felt so bad that I decided something had to give. I got up at midnight and got my wife up and we talked about this for about a hour. I told her I was ready to give this up. That is why I joined this site. I am truly ready to give this up and live a normal life with my wife. She is very supportive of me and I know you guys will be too! I intend to be a lifetime member of this site. I don't only want to get and stay clean but I want to hang around and help others for as long as I live.

 

I'm on day 2. I feel great today! I usually do until day 6-8. I have set up some ideas for that day of temptation when it comes. I will likely take the day off and spend it in my woodworking shop. I am very serious about not going back to PM.

 

Day 21 checking in 3 weeks I don’t have these kind of runs often….

 

Man, I love this passion and desire. But I’ve failed enough times to know that without a plan I’ll fail again. What are you going to do daily to stay sober and remember your goal? Passion dissipates, and discipline must take over. What changes are you going to make?

I want you to succeed. It would be the greatest gift you can give to yourself and your family.

 

Yesterday I relapsed
Feel so sad and so bad
Still having bad mood for today

Day 1 - Checking In

 

Sorry man. Focus on doing all the right things today. Make yesterday, just one day.

 

all good man it happens, don’t beat yourself up I’ve found that only makes it worse. Picking yourself back up is the most important part.

 

Day 22

 

Good questions. Being free from PM is something I have been working on for about 5 years. I heard a quote one time that said "You can trade everything for drugs or you can trade drugs for everything". PM has been my drug for nearly 20 years. For 20 years I have lived a rollercoaster type life with my business, marriage, and things I enjoy.

I've come to a place where my business is far from where I want to be, I am also a derivatives trader and my habit has greatly affected that, as a hobby I am a bodybuilder and I've hardly lifted weights for the last 5 years. Basically, everything that is important to me and that I enjoy has greatly suffered because of my habit. For years I thought temptations and desires would diminish as I got older. That is not so, it only gets worse.

Basically, I am giving this up for what I really want out of life. Because I know exactly what I want, I believe I will be successful this time. I was 15 months clean once before and relapsed. The habit came back stronger that ever.

Here are some of this things I am currently doing with the hours I was spending on PM, guilt, shame, etc

1 I've started bodybuilding again and have made terrific progress.
2 I am doing a deep dive with a friend on Napoleon Hill's book "Think and Grow Rich"
3 I am doing a personal study on "Letting Go" by David Hawkins - Excellent Book!
4 I am doing a personal Bible study through the KJV in Chronological order
5 I have a whole list of around the house projects I have wanted to do for years.

That reminds me, I have greatly neglected home maintenance, yard, and garden maintenance.

I guess I am for the first time becoming who and what I really want to be in life.

 

Updated my day counter. September was rough in a number of ways and I slipped into old ways of coping. Overall, I did think I managed not to PMO a lot since I rarely was alone. I’m a year into my journey. Porn has not been a big temptation but online chatting has led to some regrettable decisions. I’m hoping not to simply abstain but to grow and change.

 

Go be that person you want, one day at a time.

 

I have 10 days for the first time in a while.
What helped: strict filters and being honest with my wife about a gap in filters and closing it; adding nighttime recovery and meditation in addition to the time I spend in morning. Daily commitment to exercise. Spending more time with my wife. Checking NoFap when I have breaks during the day.

 

Yes, you totally right. The most important thing is rise again
Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot for me

 

Day 2 - Checking In
Rise again
Yeah