I'm missing something from my life

I'm writing this because I have the gumption and eagerness to write something this evening. They say you should never waste good energy, so I'm now I'm hopefully putting it to good use.

I know one of the things I'm missing from my life: And it's a woman. A companion to hold my hand in the hazy summer days and keep me warm in the cold winter nights.

While I've been on the road of self-improvement - for about 2 and a half years now - I've been trying to find the right girl in all the right (and wrong) places. I've dated a few, some went okay, some not so much. But never really got anywhere.

But now that I'm trying to fix myself and get my act together with rebooting my brain to factory settings thanks to NoFap (big ups to you always), I feel as though I'm on my way. My aunt told me not to rush these things and in order to attract the right woman into myself I need to love me first. The girl is waiting for you on the other side once you sort yourself out.

I don't know why I've suddenly grown suddenly impatient. Maybe it's because I'm a 31 year old with needs. Throughout my 20's I wasted opportunities and semen and threw away the last decade. Some not of my own demise, but no point looking in the past yeah?

But I had massive issues with my looks for a long time.I recall an 17-year-old at a bus stop with a friend, being checked out by a couple of girls, to which they turned a corner and said audibly "I don't like his face". Most people would get over that pretty quickly, but I don't think I left my room for four days straight, save for showers. My confidence had been shot. Nowadays I wouldn't give two shits what people think or say about me. Thanks to meditation, age and maturity, I've brushed all that aside and thought, life's way too short to care about that sort of thing. Those that don't matter mind, and those that matter don't mind. Even now when joining fickle dating sites, I find I'm getting no luck. But you know what? It's their loss. I have such a high case value and standards that I put on myself.

My biggest stumbling blocks right now are the small voice in my head that says I'm not good enough. But over the last couple of years, I've made that voice shrink bit, by bit, by bit. Also the fact I'm still a virgin, unemployed, living at home with my parents and have very little money to my name. No pressure.

There was one girl this year that I really liked, but nothing came of it, which disappointed me a little, but I said it was her loss. She has no idea what she's missing out on with me. Even if she didn't want to be married or have children and put her career first.

But I do have plenty of other things to offer where I lack with material wealth: spiritual wealth. A knack to write and tell a good story. To keep people intrigued. A wicked sense of humour that always makes people laugh. I can dance really well. I have an extensive knowledge of music, current affairs, general knowledge! I'm quite lucky to have done a lot and accomplished a fair amount with my life that most people can only look on in envy, but I always want more. And while I'm content with what I have right now in the present moment, I feel like I'm close to something so so special. It's an indescribable feeling, but I'm sure I can't be the only one that's felt this before.

I hope I don't come across as being too egotistical or anything, but I'm just saying what's truly in my heart right now, but the girl I end up with is going to be so lucky. Why? Because she's going to be so so loved, so so taken care of. I swear I'm going to make her the most special, most happiest girl in the world. I've saved up all my love for the one that truly deserves me and the one that I deserve.

 

Thanks for the real talk guys, I'd rather people tell me what, rather than what I want to hear.

Anyway, in response to you both, throughout my entire life I've had to fight more battles than most people. It's partly due to the fact that I also am on the autistic spectrum which means I'm by default not like most people. I ask not for a easy life but rather I ask for the strength to endure a difficult one. That's how winning is done!

But I am trying my best to cultivate something of myself. Not long ago I had a voice in my head saying that I should work on myself first before asking girls out and stuff. I'm taking this all in step by step, and it's a process that is taking a while.

And I'm also trying desperately hard to sort out the unemployment situation too. Believe me when I say I want to move out and get a stable income again. I feel at times like half a man.

But on a positive note, because I have been working on myself (thanks in no small part to NoFap), I'm heading in the right direction.

My current goals are:

• Finding stable full time employment again
• Moving out as soon as I can afford it
• Completing 90 days of no PMO
• Getting out more and socialising instead of being indoors all the time
• Saving enough money in order to invest it
• Obtaining financial independence
• Reading one book a week
• Going to the gym 4-5 times a week

I just need someone like a mentor to hold me accountable for my objectives too.

 

And to answer the two questions you asked:

1) the former - I am actively looking to love rather than the idea of it. I'm a realist. I know all relationships have ups and downs.

2) thanks to my personal development and new found confidence, I took my mums advice when she says, never ever think you are less than anybody else. And I truly believe I have a lot of self worth and can offer a lot, bar money of course.

For some reason I feel ready for something. I just don't know what exactly.

 

@bean

Thanks so much for your support. I'm a hugely ambitious person as you're now probably well aware, with new found self belief. In fact my councillor a few months ago told me that I was the most self aware, emotionally intelligent person he'd ever worked with. What an honour!

I work as a freelance journalist but it doesn't pay very well. I want to change this but I am going to travel a fair amount for the work I'm doing which will be covered by the magazines between now and the end of the year. So that's something to look forward to. Plus I'm doing what I love.

I went to a social event last week and got talking to a few girls about my passion for writing and they seemed so curious and intrigued by what I was saying. I saw them again at another meet up last Wednesday and really digged the stuff I had to say and what I wanted to accomplish.

 

I do have a blog actually, although it's not about Northern Soul as such, I've written about it many times.

I personally love the uptempo stuff, modern, crossover, disco elements of Northern Soul.

As for Southern Soul, I was sent a compilation album by Chess Records on 1967-69 recording sessions at Fame Studios. It's got Etta James, Irma Thomas, Laura Lee to name a few. A little slow for me in terms of tempo but it's cool I guess.

 

I listen to it sometimes - he does a little bit of Northern at times indeed. I haven't actually been out dancing for a few months, but will rectify that in a few weeks! I won't lie - I have moves

@Islanders190

Thanks for your kind words, I have thought many times about doing some volunteer work. I've also thought about going back to study in order to get a job. I'm in the process of trying to get an NCTJ qualification for journalism so I can become a reporter or features writer at a national press organisation.

 

I also want to make another point:

I don't want people to feel sorry for me for going through a really rough patch. I have good and bad days just like everyone else, it's just that I've learned to ride through the storm that I'm currently riding because such a thing comes from life experience.

 

Update: I have a breakfast and coffee date tomorrow with this girl I met about a month ago. She's also into personal development with wanting to be financially independent too.

I'm not expecting a thing from tomorrow, it's just about enjoying myself really, even though she's been the one asking me out to hook up.

 

Update:

I met up with the girl, we had fun, nothing happened really. I even hinted that she was type really subtlety but she froze and went silent for about a minute before I changed the subject. Meh, never mind. Onto the next girl.

Seriously though, we hung out for most of yesterday going all around London taking in breakfast, record shops, cafes, coffee shops and even a fragrance store. She's a great person and would rather have her in my life in some capacity rather than not at all. So I'm cool with it all.