Reframing thoughts

In order to reframe my negative thoughts I have started using a sheme a long time ago that let's you start by firstly writing down the negative thought. Then, you turn this negative though into rational and positive one and write that down to. This way I have been gradually reframing my negative thoughts. I want to continue doing this and write them down here. If anyone suffers from negative thinking / depression / anxiety then this can be helpful.

1: I feel like I am not energetic and people find me boring.

Although I am not always energetic, I do have moments where I energetically and enthusiastically explain something. This is when other people really enjoy my presence and storytelling.

2: I feel like my ungrounded personality is making me anxious.

Well, personality is not set in stone and can change every moment. While I do occasionally suffer from some anxiety, I generally feel quite relaxed and good. It is not reasonable to expect to live a 100% stress and anxiety free live. What I should keep in mind is to continue doing things I enjoy and make me feel relaxed such as gym, cold shower and other things.

 

3: I feel like I am a really boring person and thus my social life is really not interesting.

The rational side is that I actually frequently get asked by friends if I want to join them with something. I do not join them often because I do not always feel like joining them. I don't have to, as in, I am not obligated to do so, but it would be great to join them from time to time. Today I have a party and I said I would attend but I now find myself being sick. I am thinking of going there anyways, but then again I am really sick and do not want to infect people. It is probably best to not go and visit the birthday person later this week, when I feel better.

4: It feels as if I have identified with my behavior during a depression. For example I do not go to social events because I do not enjoy them and am socially awkward.

Although depression and anxiety can make a person a little awkward, I must say that I feel quite good most of the time. I can slowly implement activities into my life again but should not feel forced. If I believe I will be happy from it then I should, and otherwise, no big deal.

5: I fear that when I sometimes stutter or awkwardly tell something people will judge me and not want me around.

Well, my old friends have been inviting me in any case. This shows that real friends will want you to join them even if they know you are feeling down or whatever. Basically people can be very supportive and I think we all feel down sometimes. As for the awkwardness, we all have that to some extent, right? It is a fact that as I will start going to events more and more again, I will become less and less nervous and become more of my true self. My true self is a highly sociable and empathetic person. So no need to stress any of that.

 

6: Yesterday I attended a party and I failed to make good connections with people there.

Actually I should be realistic and acknowledge that this was a step completely out of my comfort zone. Although I have not been attending many parties lately, this was a party with only people that I do not know, except for my best friend who joined as well. I believe that I did have some pretty good conversations but it feels like I need to talk more. The way I see myself is basically like I need others to accept me and I can be a bit sensitive with this. On the other hand, I must say that there were no like full awkward moments. I just wish I would be more confident talking to other people. Nonetheless, I must be real with myself and this was already quite a big achievement for myself because this was totally out of my comfort zone the entire night. I did pretty good and the more I do things that put me in like a really uncomfortable position, the better and more relaxed I will be the next time. It is like at the beginning when I had trouble socializing at the gym. After a few months I now regularly socialize with many people at the gym and I feel quite confident. But when I then go out of my comfort zone it is like all of a sudden that big confidence and power is gone. But, I think that is also where the power lies. Doing things you are afraid to do make you stronger.

Also, I drank a few beers and quite frankly I feel a little depressed now that it is the day after. On one hand I tell myself that I am afraid to fall back into the old big depression, but I also know that healing from a depression is not an instant process and it requires time and experiences to change the body/brain again. As I said before, some of the things that get my heart pumping maximum speed now will be a walk in the park once I do them more often. Think about it like this, you have never attended a party where there are so many good looking girls and you want to socialize and not sit in the corner. Because you have never done this before it is super exciting, but how would your experience be if you did this 5 times a week? Would it be boring? Would you just enjoy yourself and be fully who you want to be? So I think it will become easier and easier the more I do these things.

Then there is the aspect of loneliness. As I said I feel like I really cannot or did not connect well with people on the party. I feel like girls are not "comfortable" around me. However, one thing was that mostly everyone at the party knew each-other and as for me the whole thing and everyone was new. It was a lot of introducing and a lot of new names, but I did make quite a few genuinely nice connections. One thing that makes me quite uncomfortable is when people are singing and dancing to a song that I don't know the lyrics of and I also do not really know how to position my body. After attending that party yesterday I can safely say that people really don't care about what I do, whether I sing ugly or beautiful and whether I am dancing or not. Everyone has his/her own way of enjoying and I should not feel pushed to fit in for any particular reason. I know that if I am feeling well, I will probably dance and sing.

7: I believe I am not talkative and not well able to keep a conversation going.

I think one of the core issues I have is that I think I am listening too much or opening up as in taking in other people's energy. In a way that is actually really good. I think I am a great listener and to be honest, that is a rare skill in a world where everyone is screaming today. Aside from that, I am actually quite well able to do fun story telling or make convincing/compelling stories. I do not need to identify with my actions because we all have our moments where we are a bit more talkative and the next time we are a bit more quiet. In general I can also be really good at presenting because I even won a speaker of the day award during a presentation event. All in all I shouldn't feel bad about this because I am much better than I tell my myself sometimes.

 

Indeed very much so. I have realized that being stuck in a depression for a large part can be attributed to self-talk. For example I had a time where I would be obsessed with self-improvement activities that should supposedly make me feel better. I told myself that if I did not do them for a day I would stop feeling good and soon fall back into depression. The reality, however, is that it is best to only do the things that you enjoy and like. The fact that for example working out is super healthy is a nice bonus, for mental and physical health.

Another thought I have been having is that I am quite uncomfortable, nervous and anxious when it comes to making phone calls. My ex and I for example haven't talked in ages and she hit me up last week asking if we can have a call this week. I told her sure, but in the back of my head I feel like I can easily screw it up. Nonetheless, if I rationally view the situation, I have done many phone calls over the last few months including some really important ones for my thesis research. I managed to execute these interviews over the phone quite well and that means that if I can pull off such "important and exciting" calls, then why would I be anxious or nervous for a phone call with a friend or ex-girlfriend? The same thing is where I sometimes feel like I am not interesting enough and simply follow along with other people's energy levels. I believe this is for a large part self-attributed because in fact I am quite an interesting person. I have done things such as travelling, internships abroad, interesting things that a lot of other people do not have. So in reality I am quite an interesting person, although not everyone will see it that way. Some people will still find me boring but that is part of the reality check, not everyone is going to like me or you, ever. Another one is when I attended the party and feel like I am not "cool" enough to be expressive, loud and have my own opinion. This is not a rational thought and probably comes from me being a bit nervous to attend such parties. The thing is that we are all entitles to be ourselves and have our own opinion, and even if people disagree with that, that is quite nice. If I have to be honest, I rather have people openly disagree with me than agree verbally while they silently in their head actually disagree. And then there is the thing about confidence. I sometimes stutter or make some "awkward" talking when I am conversing with people. We all are a little awkward sometimes and the best to do is accept it for what it is and just be myself. The majority of people will not notice it and when they do they know it is normal sometimes. So why have stress from things as little as saying "eugh" while talking or maybe vocalizing words in an awkward way. The next day, probably everyone will have forgotten that moment anyways. It is healthy for myself to stop giving so much attention to how other people think about me. The most important thing is how I feel, what I want and that I present myself in a true fashion.

 

Another update about my life and thoughts. Today in general was a pretty good day. However, it seems that whenever I try to be really present, speak loud or vocalize I start getting really awkward. Basically I have the feeling that there is some sort of blockage in my throat which I have been trying to clear with primal scream therapy. After screaming as loud as I can I feel great and my voice is a lot deeper.

So, then there is the thing of my dad. I feel like he is trying to provoke me with certain things which he is saying. But, when I think about it clearly they are not actually offensive and just meant as a joke. No need to take it as serious.

There is also the thing I have that I sometimes feel quite the opposite of confident. Like when it comes to socializing with certain people. For some reason it sometimes feels perfectly normal to socialize and other times its more of a struggle. In any case, if I can be social at a party and win prizes at public speaking events, then why should speaking to a guy from my age or a girl be any problem? What they say is that anything can be learnt and that means if I put myself to it to become more social then I can become that. The only thing I shouldn't mistake is the end goal, what do I actually want to achieve with this? Is it feeling more comfortable? If that is the case then I think I just need to be exposed to uncomfortable social situations more. Or is it that I want to be confident? Well, one cannot always be confident, but I think this is related to being comfortable as well. Being comfortable will make it a lot easier to be confident.

 

Negative thought: I have a lot of anxiety in my body and need to get rid of it by exercising more.

I actually exercise intensely with heavy weights on most days and saying that I should exercise more is probably not the way to go about it. It is just that on some days I cannot sleep, I feel anxious like inside my body as if it wants to shake and if I hear like a small sound in the room my body shocks and instantly moves. The positive side is that I used to have this a lot and not it happens just from time to time. I should know that we all have trouble sleeping sometimes and that doesn't immediatly mean there is something wrong with me.

Another thought I had is that I negatively identify with the behaviour of my mom. I sometimes feel like my mom is feeling very weak and stressed, like she cannot handle things anymore. However, that is not in my control because I have tried helping but she doesn't want help and that is fine I auppose. The only thing I can do is stay true to myself, be myself and try to be the best me to support her when I can.

As for the anxiety in my body, it will disappear. I should just try to go to sleep and experience has shown that the next day can be a whole different type, for example a much better one.

 

Negative thought: I have moments in my social interaction where I stutter really awkwardly and people will find me weird for that. It feels especially as if I cannot talk without coughibg, as if my throat is super blocked.

I have been trying primal screaming to release tension in the throat and neck and it seems to work. However, part of me think that I am becoming super dependent on self improvement. Realistically speaking, it is not bad at all to focus on self improvement. They key takeaway is that it should not become an obsession. Life is not about self improvement. The most important thing is to enjoy and have a good time the way I see it. Finding an enjoyable job and so on.

Another thought I have been having is that I am not patient at all. What is funny is that in fact I also see myself as a very good listener and teacher. When I teach people language classes I usually have a lot of patience. So is it maybe the moment that affects it? That could be the case, but in any case it doesn't mean that I as a person am always inpatient. It just means that in some situations I will probably be more patient than others.

 

Today I was at university and stumbled upon an old female friend from a year or so back. She did not recognize me at first but after some eye contact she knew that we were at least familiar. The whole moment was a little awkward because I said hello and she did not really know who I was and so on. In any case, I must say that the kind of awkward situations are becoming more and more normal for me as I started socializing more during the last couple of weeks. The main point is that I think we are all a little awkward but it matters most how respond to it. If you feel like you are awkward then you will show it, whereas if it is normal for you it will not show at all.

While I was at University I had to attend my final feedback session for a project and as I walked through the halls of the school I get really stressed and a bit anxious. For some reason though, it felt like I was in control or at least like I could overcome it. My mindset has been gradually shifting from negative thinking to more realistic and positive thinking. Realistically speaking there are no reasons to be anxious for a feedback session like that. It is all pure good stuff because it is an opportunity to learn and even if the teacher was somewhat strict it would all be about learning. In my mind I constantly keep connecting the anxiety to things such as: not doing specific things like cold shower, breathing exercise, too much caffeine or drinking a few beers. While I know, and it has actually been proven, that for example beer or coffee can have a bad impact, it is good to realize that if they are done in moderation it should not pose a problem. Look, if I was to drink 5 coffee in a day I would probably start freaking out a bit, but I never drink five coffee anyways. The thing is that I believe drinking alcohol/beer opens up such a nice world of social activities. Besides this, having just a few drinks makes everything a lot more fun because I feel so much less restricted in who I can be.

 

One thing I have lately recognized, which seems to be a negative thought as well, is that I cannot be truly myself when I am surrounded with people who carry a somewhat negative or "present" presence. For example one of my family members is easily freaked out if something does not go to wish. So the way I feel is like I am being watched constantly and this manifests itself and has the result that I do not seem to be relaxed in my breathing and so on

While I might think that I am being watched, it does say more about the person in question than it does about me as a person. I respond a little stressed but in some shape or form it is not bad that she has such an easily noticeable body language where you can tell if something is pissing her off. In essence she has no reason to be pissed at me because I am generally very respectful and respecting. It would be most suitable if I simply consider this as her being herself and me being myself. If our energies collide, then it is what it is. I do not need to hold back who I am as a person just to suit someone else's needs or preferences. Perhaps I feel like I need to and the other person would actually much rather have me fully and openly express my thoughts. In any case, I should make clear that I will never intentionally hurt or embarrass someone. I can be fully myself and the fact is for everyone that not all other people are always going to agree with us. But I can be fully myself and if people disagree then the positive side is at least that it is being communicated.

 

So today I actually went out for drinks with a girl friend. The negative thought I had during the meeting is that I do not talk enough. But funnily enough the fact is that I had quite a few good stories to tell and I believe it was a very much enjoyable evening after all. However at some point I was walking with her through the city and we stumbled across some friends of mine who were immediatly asking if we're dating and so on. This was highly uncomfortable but I generally manage to stay quite relaxed. There is no need to be angry if people are making some jokes. But one really bad thing I seem to think is that I am awkward and when people are talking in a group it almost feels as if I am still being watched. Logically this could be my social confidence that needs to be worked on. I should keep in mind that the more I do social events and such, the easier and more relaxed I will be. Also, I will be able to be more myself then. Nothing cannot be learnt, it is just that the willingness to be open and learn must be there. If I zone myself out and tell myself that I am not social enough, then that is how it will be. If I tell myself I am a natural speaker, presenter and socializer, then that is how it will be.

 

I am now going to write down numerous negative thoughts I have been having and convert them to more rational and realistic ones:
1: I am not confident in speaking up and stutter a lot which makes it very awkward
I have proven to myself that actually I can tell very lively stories. The stories are very interesting to the audience and my body language is very confident.

2: I do not talk a lot and therefore come across a bit boring
The more rational way to say this would be that I do not always talk a lot. I have my moments in which I engage in stories and so on, but on other occasions I can actually be a very good listener.

 

Thought 1: I feel like the girl I met a couple of days ago doesn't want to hang out with me because she did not invite me to a party she attended yesterday.

There can be a 1000 reasons why she did not invite me. If I put this into realistic perspective, I am not sure if I would have invited her if I was at a party with my friends either. The fact remains she told me she found it really lovely to hang out with me. I think I am overthinking this and people do want to hang out with me. I do consider myself to be a very positive-minded, open and social person. Unlike many other people for example, I am great at talking to strangers because I am just really interested in people and their lives.

Thought 2: It feels like I am not an "interesting" or "enjoyable" training partner for a friend at the gym. We were working out and at some point he left to do his own exercises.

This again seems to be in the same spectrum as my last though, which is about people not wanting to spend time with me. Nonetheless, time and time again it is proven that people do invite me to do things with them and they seemingly enjoy it, laughing and so on. In the specific case of my workout buddy, he wanted to train an additional muscle that I had already trained the day before so its logical for him to go his own way. I believe I am in fact someone who can push people to their limits at the gym and have a positive influence.

Thought 3: I feel like I am not calm and relaxed enough in most situations so that I can be happy

It is perfectly fine to not feel calm and relaxed 100% of the time. We all experience some stress here and then. Besides that I must say I can manage even the most "stressiest" moments such as giving presentations just fine. Also, when I did these presentations I was at a point where I surely felt less confident than I do now. I am in the process of personal development and as I gain more experience and exit from my comfort zone more and more, it will only get better.

Thought 4: I am not leaving my comfort zone enough

There will 100% guaranteed be options to leave my comfort zone in the coming weeks. For example I will have to present my thesis. There is just always something coming up and by realizing that the only way to wire my brain into becoming more comfortable in the unknown is to actually do the things I am afraid to do. There is literally nothing that can go wrong. Except getting hit by a car on the road, but that will happen if it happens xD

 

Thought: I am not confident

I remember that in my teenager years I have done many things that would scare the greater part of the world. Think of going to live with a foreign host family for 2 months while I was 17 years old. Also, doing an internship in a complete foreign office abroad and staying there for 5 months. These are incredible feats that most people have the utmost respect for. I did them because I wanted to do them and do not fear going beyond my limits. It did prove to be tough, but I finished it.

The same thing goes with women. In my teenager years my friends would always make fun about me how easily and confidently I approached women. I remember one joke they did where I would just approach a girl, stand in front of her, and make like a funny movement to get her attraction. It did not always work, but in most cases it worked. Interestingly, I now seem to find myself having trouble to speak to girls confidently. In a large part it might be because I have not done it for a while and I might be a little "rusty" so to say. In any case, my natural ability to be confident in such situations is there and nobody can take that from me.

Another thing I have it that it almost feels as if I need to prove myself to friends or males in my age group. It feels as if I always had a sense of respect from my friends and that this has kind of been lost. In any case, I am still me. I am still the same person, although my personality has changed a little. Back in the days I would be so fearless that even my best friends considered me a little crazy. Think of uploading vlogs for example. Like for real, there are just so many things which I could not give a rat ass about and if people made fun of it is was always good for a laugh. It is certainly just all positive and my zero-fucks given attitude made it a lot easier. This attitude I will now implement again and that does not mean not caring about anything. It simply means not caring about others' opinion and things that are not important.

 

At the moment I am about 2 weeks into nofap and I generally feel like my personal space and boundaries are much more enforced/protected. For example someone made a joke about me when I lowered the weight of an exercise in the gym. I naturally reacted and looked at him like he should mind his own business. This is in line with a major thought I seem to be having about myself.

Negative thought: I am not caring and loving enough to people that I should care about and love.

What I can say is that in terms of intention I am really trying to be as loving and caring as I can. Nonetheless, not everyone might always interpret it that way. The example that comes to mind is that when my "ex girlfriend" who I met a few weeks ago told me that she received mixed signals from me. I told her that I still love her as a person but not as a girlfriend. When she told me that she did not feel reciprocated interest from me, I felt a little offended. I believe that in part it is because I would naturally try to please her and others, but that is not always possible.

So, in conclusion. I think the fact that I am thinking about this already suggests that I am caring and loving. The only possible challenge with this is that I might not always show it or make myself vulnerable in doing so. But, I am quite supportive. I am a great listener and if people tell me about for example an important event in their lives then I will remember and ask them about it next time. Also, if I find a girlfriend who I am really physically attracted to, I know I can be very loving and caring. For example by complementing, opening doors and other things.

Another example I can get is that when I am in the gym there is sometimes this girl who is very kind, friendly and social. She loves talking to me it seems because she always greets me and engages in conversation. I am (usually) not very much interested in talking to her but would much rather get to lifting weights. So, I feel a little obligated or guilty that I should talk to her and when I cut off the conversation. But this is not really a realistic thought because I can do literally whatever I want in the gym. If I want to talk 24/7 I could do that, because I am there for myself only. However, I want to find a right balance between the both. In any case, I believe I am super social and thus attract people around me.

Another negative thought is that I am not good with entering fearful situations and social events. But if I think about it, I have done things in life that most people would literally never do. When I was not even 18, I moved to Spain for a few months to live with a host family. I managed to stay true to my ambition of learning Spanish and about the culture and even enjoyed and learned a lot there. When I tell myself that I am not confident it is a big load of **** because I am obviously not scared of doing some of the most scary things in life.

 

After a couple of days of being consistent with re framing thoughts and wiring myself to not blindly accept my self-talk I feel quite confident. I must say that I still have some sort of stuttering in my voice when I am talking. It sort of feels like I am confident but then again I do stutter a bit sometimes. In any case, it will most likely disappear after a while and the most important thing is that I simply feel well.

One negative thought I had today is that I feel like I carry some sort of negative energy or complain too much. This is not too realistic because I am actually a rather positive person. I do not enjoy drama or negativity but healthy complaining is needed for all of us.

Also, I took a hot bath and somehow that gives me like a really anxious feeling in the body. It is perfectly fine to feel anxious sometimes and it is not really a big deal as long as I can keep doing the things I want to and need to do.

What is helping me especially is to confront my overarching doubts such as thoughts related to confidence, social skills and so on. Basically some voices in my head sometimes talk me down like I cannot do something or that I am not good enough. But the reality is that all of my actions in the past show that I am in fact an incredibly courageous person who does huge things even if they are scary. It is interesting how distorted ones thoughts can be from actions/reality.

 

Today I have had a really good day. What is special about today is that I handed in my dissertation paper and am now waiting for it to be assessed. This is an exciting time therefore. Anyways one negative thought I have been having is that my dad sometimes gets super excited or enthusiastic about something, whether it be a positive or negative thing, and he carries a very intimidating or should I say personal touch when he tells his stories. It almost feels as if the person listening is being attacked verbally but this is clearly not the case. Basically direct insults will never come from my dad and he is generally a very awesome person. I believe I should come to the acceptance that some people in this world are just very passionate and enthusiastic about specific things and it is not up to me to change them. There is no need to change them anyways because everyone is different and that should just be accepted. At the moment however I feel rather emotional and I am not sure why. Perhaps it is because of my thesis or something else. The most important thing is that everything is fine and I feel relaxed even though a bit emotional. Still going strong at 2 weeks no pmo.

Negative though: I am a very emotional person
Being emotional is not bad. In fact, perhaps it is even good to be emotional because it is exactly what makes us human. The fact that today I might be feeling a little sad and tomorrow very happy is just the way of life. The key takeaway is that I should not shut them away but rather accept the emotions for what they are and give them the right place in my head/body. Being sad does not make me a weak man and being a happy man does not make me a strong man. Nonetheless, being a happy man definitely makes everything a lot easier.

 

I truly feel that re-framing my thoughts consistently leads me to have a better and more realistic view on life. For example, I remember two days ago when I was chatting with a friend and he was complaining about something. Basically he said something quite depressing that implied that he had no other choice but to accept where he currently is. I remember that my normal inclination would be to agree with him and tell him that he is right, but I had a different response this time. My head was telling me that there are always things you can do to improve your situation no matter how deep in the black hole you are. My perspective really is changing and people will not get into my head if they complain/while about things. This is really enjoyable.

Yesterday there were two girls at the gym from my village and I remember they were laughing a little. We did not have any contact with each other but their presence made me feel slightly uncomfortable because some of my thoughts told me that I am not funny enough or confident enough to be around them. This is utter nonsense because I have actually had great success with women in the past. I remember my friends would even "admire" me for being so confident around women. They told me that I would be careless in my approach if I saw a good looking girl that I liked. The fact is simply that I am quite a confident person and actually I have done plenty of very scary things. It is not realistic to be worried about speaking to two girls at the gym who I do not even feel sexually attracted to.

Another thing is that there is a party going on this weekend and I was invited to it. I always had this thought that it is difficult for me as a person to say no. However, my actions constantly prove otherwise. I have said no so many times in my life it is unbelievable. I do like to view myself as a rather agreeable person, but when it comes to personal boundaries I have not at all agreeable. I am not obligated to go to a party and if my decision is to stay home and go to the gym the next day, then I actually should be proud of that. In the end the most important thing is what I feel most happy with.

 

Today one negative thought I had is that I am obligated to do my wellbeing exercises everyday because my mental health will deteriorate if I don't. Well, I am free to do whatever I want to do. If I spend one day doing none of these exercises, thats fine. But I know for a fact that I enjoy doing these exercises so why not do them? hah! Another thing is that I planned another meeting with the girl I met last week. She said it would be an option to join her friends and I am kind of nervous if that would happen. I think I would be afraid of how they would view me and whether or not they would accept me for who I am. In any case, I have done really exciting things in my life, like going to massive meetings with only strangers where there would be like 20 people and I would not know anybody. I am just done so many things that are supposed to be socially exciting or high level, but I already did them when I was 17. I am not more mature but still the same person. Meeting a few random people should actually be fun and for me that is not a big deal, been there done that.