THE SUPER SAIYAN CHALLENGE! What is your Power Level?! (RANKS ARE BACK, GET YOURS NOW!

Day 3 check in

 

Day 89 PMO
Day 22 Semen Retention

Woke up

Dead tired

Layed there a while

Fantasized for a milisecond and back out, tried to do math and it led to good inspiration.

 

Day 4 check in

 

Day 90 PMO
Day 23 Semen Retention

Sticking to no anime weekdays

1-2 episodes weekend days

feeling sleepy


I'm in pain gonna try making rest weeks into just workout at home weeks or reduce weight by 10-20% weeks.

 

I get anxiety from clicking like on people's posts. What is that? And I can't handle being on meetup.com or dating apps. I figure it's either I'm just some kind of addict that can't even post a picture of themselves on the internet with a short bio. Or I'm just needing to grow stronger and healthier through my retention and meditation.

I used to be find on dating apps when I lived with my dad and was talking to 5 girls I'd met online and through approaching in person. Maybe if I get back in touch with him I'll be able to use the apps again? What? Life is confusing sometimes. Doesn't make a lotta sense. Being around him made me feel like I wanted to use substances and video games again though. And he was always kind of angry in general or at me as he told me things. It was too harsh of a relationship to deal with.

I only talk to my mom

Maybe I could talk to my dad and sister again someday

They're toxic though. They just trash talk eachother. Sometimes it's playful and hurtful. Sometimes it's just toxic and angry. And they're going to yell at you negative affirmations about you. Or they're going to text you negative things about you for up to 8 hours.

Might be fun to say some negative things to them about them though. 'talk trash, riff, rib each other.' Get toxic and just try to say the most hurtful things I can think of to fire back on them and 'win'.

Of course it's kind of like. Punching people in the face in sparring. It is fun. And I don't think I've had a better high than seeing the fear in another man's eyes as I'm about to hit him. But .....eventually you get hit. And you lose brain cells and you get your ankle twisted around. And the rest of your life you're a little bit dumber. And your ankle needs a little extra care to function properly.

They say something that cuts deep. And it messes up your self esteem. And you have to be extra gentle with your ego. Spend extra time caring for your self esteem. But maybe they're more messed up from what I said than I am from what they said. 'You should see the other guy.' Maybe I hurt them so bad they're never able to have a relationship again. Or self harm or kill themselves.

Then I win

Did I really win?

I talked so much trash to you

You killed yourself.

Did I win?

Is this victory?

Is this what I want to spend my

time and energy on?

Egging people onto self harm...

This is why I don't talk to my

Family


I remember when I gamed. Some guy was trash talking me. And he said 'I'm gonna kill your mom.' And I said, 'I'm killing your mom right now. She's dying slowly.' And it went on. And he crumbled. Begged the chat to stop flaming him and talking about his mom. And I felt like I'd won but I knew I'd just done something very mean and harmful. Was just vicious to someone. And I smiled and was nice to mom after. But I felt it. That unease she had around me, knowing in her spirit that I hurt someone that morning more seriously than a normal day. A fear that might come out against her too.

And so I trained. Woke up and shadow boxed. Visualized fighting people. Taking hits, and landing them. Street fights. Multiple attackers. And I felt like I could take on most people in a fight. Even if they were bigger than me. I'd have a chance to win if I could land faster to the vital points. But everytime someone make me upset. I'd visualized beating them half to death. Until they submitted to me. Bosses, coworkers. My mind was always on beating people up. But I guess that's how it is when you do that.

I dunno.

Anyone have any opinions on if it's best to talk to my family or train martial arts again? I know it'll be a long time coming if ever.

I'm thinking it's a definite no on martial arts. Only to be used in self defense in the moment. Never to be practiced or trained again sadly. Because doing so has led to shoulder, knee and back injuries and continues to add damage when I've tried again.

Still it's kind of a bummer to not train MA ever again in my life. Maybe someday? I was a beast at muay thai at 16 and they offered to train me to become pro with a small group of selected individuals from American Kickboxing Academy which has trained champions such as Cain Valasquez and Daniel Cormier.

Even though they're jerkoffs. There is some strength love and support with my dad and sister. Albeit like there's magma in the center of the earth. Maybe like the earth I need them too. And maybe we can establish some healthy levels of riffing and not pour into full on toxicicity....this could all be wishful thinking though. They were seriously not chill to me for 30 years