THE INTERSTELLAR CHALLENGE !

Day 1 done

 

Day 24. I hope you guys are doing good and staying strong!

 

Hope everyone is doing well, and still fighting the good fight. I am definitely appreciating how difficult it is to quit. I am completing day 16 at mid-night today. My take home so far is that you need to be working on yourself holistically in order to quit and to improve your life. Two things that I have found to be important: 1) Make a plan to progress your career/ job/ study situation and focus on it aggressively. 2) Take care of yourself: work on your health and fitness (gym, food, buying good clothes and maintaining a look for confidence), and work on improving your social interactions and activities (talking to friends, family etc).

 

I fell , farmer check

 

DAY 2

 

I am now a full 4 weeks without PM. I think back to Day 0. It was one of the worse days of my life. I am so thankful to be on this journey. Keep fighting guys. You are worth it!

 

Back to drone catcher again.
Day 6

 

30 days clean for me! Next stop, "Millers Planet".

 

I am back! I set my counter to 12AM November 1st, 2021, for No Nut November. So that puts me at just over half a day. Since I was last on back in August 18th, I have PMO'd about 14 times, with this weekend being 3 of those 14 times. I have also MO'd an additional 10 times, and I have viewed without MO about 3 times. So in the last 75 day, I have had 58 days no P, 51 days no MO, and 48 days no P or M. I joined a recovery program that emphasized figuring out why we view, and while he encouraged MO as an alternative (as he says, if you are a pornography, masturbation, and sex addict, trying to cut out all three at the same time is a recipe for failure). I don't buy into the whole semen retention thing, but I have figured out the reasons why I view and MO, and I want to try cutting out the MO again. I found that by allowing myself to MO these past 75 days, that I can go days without touching myself when I am feeling confident. While I no longer think I am a compulsive MO'er, especially without P, I also realized that there are a lot of emotional reasons why I MO, and addressing those reasons will go a long way to reducing my sexual behavior. I find that I do not generally view P or MO on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, which begs the question, why weekends? Well, I am lonely on weekends, and that causes stress. And what do I do when stressed? I PMO. So, if I want to end this addiction once and for all, I need to end the stress on weekends. That means setting proper expectations, getting out of the apartment, and keeping a fantasy journal to understand why I do what I do. Our fantasies are tied to our emotional state and now that I know why I view what I view, I want to expand that to what I am think just before (and godforbid after I MO) to understand what is going on. However, since it is No Nut November, I figure I would rejoin the forums for the month to practice self-discipline and understanding my emotional state. If (when) I make it through the month clean, I will reevaluate. Will I stay on the forums, or will I try other things? So my time on the forums may be temporary, or I may become a Space Voyager. We shall see. It all depends on what I learn this month. However, I think November can be more than just a NoFap month, it can also be the month I get back into my positive habits. So we will see.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

It's good to be back. I realized while I was gone that I was focusing so much on recovery that I was not actually recovering. All I was thinking about was not PMO'ing which lead me to thinking a lot about PMO'ing. I took the blockers off of my devices because I was still finding a way around them with minimal effort, and if I was going to cheat anyway, I might as well not spend $20 a month just to cheat. It actually was very freeing because now if I decide to view, I have to take responsibility for it and not make excuses like "the blocker did not work that's why I PMO'd". It is a small thing, but it works really. In the past 76 days as I said, I have only viewed for a cumulative amount of about 2.5 weeks, and I MO'd or viewed for about 4 of those weeks. That puts me at a 64% success rate which is not too shabby. While I don't share the view with many on the forums that MO is always bad, I do think when I am using it to cope makes it unhealthy. However, if I am living my best life which starts yesterday, I might never MO again, let alone search for P. I think one thing we need to remember is that NNN is just a month like any other and we must treat every month as NNN going forward. This is just the beginning. Also @hoping_cannon how do I join the #M42 challenge?

Also, how is our old friend @Henryforward ? I see you have not posted in a while.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Hey @Mathman1994 I'm still around. I made it to 102 days then fell. So back now anyway for NNN. Let's walk clean this month friends. @hoping_cannon

 

Dya 2 - Farmer

I got up at 5am this morning like I had been promising myself I would do for the last few months and I am now sitting in my office writing this while no one else is here. I have not had the urge to view or touch myself, and in my trigger analysis of fantasies, I realized in writing about just one minor fantasy that involves my pornography tastes on occasion, I have a pretty messed up mind. The fantasy is fairly benign, but the underlying cause is messed up. My fantasy has implications in my standard life without pornography because I sometimes want to be a rule breaker, and to sabotage things and people, and then to swoop in and fix the problems I caused. It is pretty messed up, and I got that all from reflecting on pornography that has no seeming connection to that desire. Now I think that comes from me being very studious all of my life and to be as they would say in D&D, lawful good. I like rules and generosity, but sometimes, I want to be chaotic and to cause trouble. While that is not something I would ever to do, I realized that pornography even if completely benign (as much as pornography can be benign that is), allows my subconscious to break the rules. I grew up in a very open minded household, but I was very rigid. My parents warned against pornography as much as they could in the growing internet age, however, it was me who enforced the ultra puritan values on myself. When you grow up have ultra puritan values, you tend to feel repressed which leads to acting out. I acted out in secret for years with pornography, and to me, it was an act of rebellion, not against my parents, but against my own draconian rules. Since I always held high expectations and self-imposed rules for myself, sometimes the pressure gets too much and I fantasize about being chaotic evil and causing trouble. A non-pornography related fantasy that involves me being chaotic evil, is that I fantasize about being a Sith Lord from Star Wars who conquers the world to bring peace. Now for those who know about the Sith, they tend to use violence to achieve their ends. I am a pacifist in life, but in my dreams I am a Sith Lord who destroys the world and then rebuilds it into a utopia. I bring chaos and destruction, and then I act as the savior. Now this is all a fantasy, but I realize that there is a lot of things at play in my subconscious and I would not have connected the pieces if it were not for analyzing a type of pornography I view on rare occasions. So already my trigger analysis is going well.

In other news, I am journaling again writing at least three accomplishments of the day, three goals for the next day, three gratitudes, three blessings I wish to give to people, and anything I could improve. It is surprising how by focusing on just the good and not PMO recovery in my journal, I feel so much happier when I go to bed. I also have had problems with not showering for a few days at a time, but NNN will be my new life start with me getting up at 5am everyday and showering everyday. Soon, I want to start language practice again everyday in German and in Spanish.

Anyway, hope you all have a stellar day (night)!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 37. I hope everyone is doing good and staying strong!