ULTIMATE POKEMON CHALLENGE | JOURNEY TO BE THE BEST

Day 6 complete!

"I seek to develop the strength of a fighter. And shatter any weakness in myself!" --Elite Four Marshal

 

DAY 2

 

Day 8/14 complete!

 

Day 6!

 

I am back! I set my counter to 12AM November 1st, 2021, for No Nut November. So that puts me at just over half a day. Since I was last on back in August 18th, I have PMO'd about 14 times, with this weekend being 3 of those 14 times. I have also MO'd an additional 10 times, and I have viewed without MO about 3 times. So in the last 75 day, I have had 58 days no P, 51 days no MO, and 48 days no P or M. I joined a recovery program that emphasized figuring out why we view, and while he encouraged MO as an alternative (as he says, if you are a pornography, masturbation, and sex addict, trying to cut out all three at the same time is a recipe for failure). I don't buy into the whole semen retention thing, but I have figured out the reasons why I view and MO, and I want to try cutting out the MO again. I found that by allowing myself to MO these past 75 days, that I can go days without touching myself when I am feeling confident. While I no longer think I am a compulsive MO'er, especially without P, I also realized that there are a lot of emotional reasons why I MO, and addressing those reasons will go a long way to reducing my sexual behavior. I find that I do not generally view P or MO on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, which begs the question, why weekends? Well, I am lonely on weekends, and that causes stress. And what do I do when stressed? I PMO. So, if I want to end this addiction once and for all, I need to end the stress on weekends. That means setting proper expectations, getting out of the apartment, and keeping a fantasy journal to understand why I do what I do. Our fantasies are tied to our emotional state and now that I know why I view what I view, I want to expand that to what I am think just before (and godforbid after I MO) to understand what is going on. However, since it is No Nut November, I figure I would rejoin the forums for the month to practice self-discipline and understanding my emotional state. If (when) I make it through the month clean, I will reevaluate. Will I stay on the forums, or will I try other things? So my time on the forums may be temporary, or I may become a Pokemon Master. We shall see.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 1 complete. I had a really rough weekened but it's NOVEMBER, LADS AND LASSES

See y'all in thirty days clean!

 

Day 1 - Rattata

I was thinking of something someone on another challenge said about NoNutNovember essentially just being a month like any other, and if we only focus our recovery on staying clean in that time period, we may just succeed, but guess what happens on December 1st if we do not take actionable steps in our life to change. As such, while this is a forum for recovering pornography addicts, I am going to do something different than I did when I was on here last. I am not going to discuss my pornography addiction outside of updating my counter everyday. No, instead, I am going to discuss my life without pornography, what it is like in this short period, what it will be in the long period, and what changes I am making in the mean time to live my best life. As they say, the opposite of addiction is connection, and while I was doing the coaching program, I had connection every Tuesday at 4am (he's in Australia). However, I have been feeling lost without that, and I started to engage in some of my old behaviors. However that ends now. NNN may be just an arbitrary point of time, but it is just as good as any to get clean finally.

So, updates:

I created a fantasy journal with a list of my pornographic fantasies, whether I watch pornography based on these fantasies, or I just visualize them as I masturbate. Later, I will create a list of non-pornographic fantasies that take me out of life, but I am just focusing on the sexual ones in nature. Then every night this month, I will analyze one of those fantasies (looking at the less common ones and working my way up to the more common ones), and write down a list of things I feel when I think about these fantasies. This will be in a controlled, meditative setting to not be triggering, my reasoning being, if I can hash out my emotions involving these fantasies in a safe space, then when I get triggered and the fantasies come rushing back, I will ideally have developed the tools to fight these fantasies.
Additionally, I am getting my schooling under control and making changes to my schedule to accommodate my work hours. I want to get back to language practice everyday, learning German and Spanish. I also want to write for 15 minutes a day at least for my novel. Lastly, I want to rise at 5AM, drink coffee and start my day working on language practice, dancing, and writing before I work on school work and head to campus to attend lecture and study.

Anyway, I hope you all have a spectacular day!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 2 - Rattata

I got up at 5am this morning like I had been promising myself I would do for the last few months and I am now sitting in my office writing this while no one else is here. I have not had the urge to view or touch myself, and in my trigger analysis of fantasies, I realized in writing about just one minor fantasy that involves my pornography tastes on occasion, I have a pretty messed up mind. The fantasy is fairly benign, but the underlying cause is messed up. My fantasy has implications in my standard life without pornography because I sometimes want to be a rule breaker, and to sabotage things and people, and then to swoop in and fix the problems I caused. It is pretty messed up, and I got that all from reflecting on pornography that has no seeming connection to that desire. Now I think that comes from me being very studious all of my life and to be as they would say in D&D, lawful good. I like rules and generosity, but sometimes, I want to be chaotic and to cause trouble. While that is not something I would ever to do, I realized that pornography even if completely benign (as much as pornography can be benign that is), allows my subconscious to break the rules. I grew up in a very open minded household, but I was very rigid. My parents warned against pornography as much as they could in the growing internet age, however, it was me who enforced the ultra puritan values on myself. When you grow up have ultra puritan values, you tend to feel repressed which leads to acting out. I acted out in secret for years with pornography, and to me, it was an act of rebellion, not against my parents, but against my own draconian rules. Since I always held high expectations and self-imposed rules for myself, sometimes the pressure gets too much and I fantasize about being chaotic evil and causing trouble. A non-pornography related fantasy that involves me being chaotic evil, is that I fantasize about being a Sith Lord from Star Wars who conquers the world to bring peace. Now for those who know about the Sith, they tend to use violence to achieve their ends. I am a pacifist in life, but in my dreams I am a Sith Lord who destroys the world and then rebuilds it into a utopia. I bring chaos and destruction, and then I act as the savior. Now this is all a fantasy, but I realize that there is a lot of things at play in my subconscious and I would not have connected the pieces if it were not for analyzing a type of pornography I view on rare occasions. So already my trigger analysis is going well.

In other news, I am journaling again writing at least three accomplishments of the day, three goals for the next day, three gratitudes, three blessings I wish to give to people, and anything I could improve. It is surprising how by focusing on just the good and not PMO recovery in my journal, I feel so much happier when I go to bed. I also have had problems with not showering for a few days at a time, but NNN will be my new life start with me getting up at 5am everyday and showering everyday. Soon, I want to start language practice again everyday in German and in Spanish.

Anyway, hope you all have a stellar day (night)!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 3 complete!

@Mathman1994 I'm very impressed by your plans for conquering fantasies and learning lessons about yourself. Best of luck!

 

Thank you! NNN will be the first month of the rest of my life, and learning about my fantasies and their underlying causes will led me on a NoFap lifestyle.

 

Day 4 - Rattata

I have not journaled, read, or showered in two days, so I need to make an effort at that these next several days. I don't mind missing my goals every four or five days, but I really don't want miss my goals two days in a row again. I have a set of ten goals I want to accomplish in a day and when I don't journal (accomplishments/goals, gratitudes/blessings, and fantasy analysis), read, or shower, I am already missing 50% of my goals.

The ten daily goals which I will put here are:

1) Journal about 3 of today's accomplishments (no repeating on a day to day basis) as well as set individual goals for the next day

2) Write in my gratitudes/blessings journal with 3 gratitudes (again unique) as well as 3 blessing I wish to give to people or things in life

3) Fantasy analysis journal

4) Shower

5) Read from a physical book

6) Practice Spanish

7) Practice German

8) Wake up at 5AM

9) Bed by 10PM (whether or not I am sleeping I need to be in bed with my devices shut down at 8PM)

10) Write for 15 minutes

Tuesday I met 60% of my goals

Wednesday I met 10% and Thursday I met 20%

I did not get up at 5AM today, but I hope to get 60% overall today.

NNN is going excellently. I have had a couple times where I was watching tv or YouTube and I saw something "sexy", but I just moved on and did not continue to look (no nudity, just bikini'd women or otherwise attractive women). I also have had really hard erections a couple times that I would have relieved with masturbation in the past, but now I just breathe to lower my blood pressure and they go away naturally. I know I will see something triggering at some point, which is why the fantasy journal is so important. If I know why I am triggered, then I can deal with the underlying stressor instead of giving in.

Hope all of your days are going well.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 6 no P

Day 1.875 no MO - Rattata

Nuff said

I have not been meeting my goals for a few days. However, that changes tonight. I intend to shower, read and journal in my three journals tonight. The reason I MO'd has a lot to do with a conversation with my therapist. We discussed my addiction, and he said that MO on its own is not bad as long as it is not interrupting my daily life and goals. I see where he is coming from and until with P I am not a compulsive masturbator. I have had a stunted sexuality due to my pornography use and I have completely associated MO with P which he thinks is unhealthy. I am inclined to agree, though it does lead to a conundrum. This challenge requires abstinence from from MO and P. There is no way to complete the challenge if you MO even on occasion, and while I am not morally opposed to MO, and think it can be healthy on occasion, I want to participate in the challenge. My therapist has known me for almost a decade and a half, and he knows my issues with my sexuality better than most, and I trust him more that all of you (no offense). So, with that said, my main think I get out of these challenges is not the motivation to "win" the challenge, but rather seeing everyone's posts. I would like to have complete control over my sexuality (both in a positive way, but also in a non-MO way, though I don't know if that has to do with my issues with some things that happened when I was 14, or if I am morally opposed to MO). So, that leads to this statement. I like posting about my journey to becoming free on here, and I like reading about all of your journeys too, so if it is okay with @aricking, I would like to continue posting and participating, even if my journey with no P is what I am focused on. I will not talk about MO at all, even if I do it. You will be able to see my counter, and if I make it say 10 then 20 and so forth, no MO, I will update my rank, but I want more importantly the community. I do not intend to just go out of my way to MO of course, but it feels shitty to have to admit I MO'd, when my main reason for being here is for the moral support from you all, as well as to get clean from P and P-subs for the most part. I know that acknowledging I might MO goes against the spirit of the challenge, but I love all of you and reading your journeys as well as sharing my journey. I will not discuss MO at all, my rank will be kept up to date, but I want to keep up to date with everyone because this is a very supportive group. (Honestly it won't change too much as we all reset a lot and my doing this is to reduce shame, though I will be participating, while remaining true to my support team's suggestions).

I know I have rambled, and I am willing to step away if my acknowledgment on MO being a possibility invalidates my being here, but I want to be here, so if I am still welcome, I would like to continue participating. My counter might not increase very quickly, but if I achieve bliss, I will be a Arceus in no time.

Anyway, have a great day, all, and keep on keeping on.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 7 complete. NNN really is good motivation.

 

Day 0 - Rattata

I messed up big time last night. Started viewing at 9PM and did not stop until around 11:30PM. It ended with PMO to P-subs, but still, the moment sucked. I have this rule on no devices after 8PM for a reason, but I was talking to my best friend until 8:30PM on the phone and so I did not put them away when the alarm went off. Well, ready to go again. NNN does not have to be a waste though, I can still get 22 days out of it.

I intended to shower and journal last night, but instead I PMO'd. Well, all I can do is improve. I suppose all we really can do is to fail forward. If we make an improvement each time we relapse, etc, we will be so much better off.

Nothing much else to say.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 9 complete! It's Pikachu time.

 

Day 15. Pikachu

 

Day 0 - Rattata

I have not been on in over a week, and I have been struggling. The last three days in fact have involved in many ways a binge. Wednesday I viewed for two hours before PMOing. Thursday I viewed for half an hour before PMOing, and last night I view for another half an hour before PMOing. My best friend who is knowledgable of my addiction asked how pornography could take up so much time as one would think that it would speed up the coming, but I said that it is much more complicated than that. I don't just view to MO, I can view for hours as I edge until I find something I can release to. It is not just about the orgasm, that is just the end result, and thus, it would probably be quicker to MO without P than it would be to PMO. Because though PMO may lead to more stimulation, the addiction feeds off of not MOing for as long as possible. I don't know if anyone feels the same way, but that is how I view P versus MO. Both take time, but with P, it is not about releasing as fast as possible, but rather holding on as long as possible. Same goes with edging. If we just MO'd straight off without edging or P, we may be better off. I don't know, it is a complicated mess.

In other news, I took my first shower in 4 days, and I fully intend to accomplish my goals today. Back to journaling in my three journals, working on my novel. Reading. Language practice, and bed by 9-10PM.

Anyway, I hope to have a better update tomorrow.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

I fell yesterday as well, so now I'm back to Rattata, with Day 1 complete.

@Mathman1994 I understand what you mean. This addiction means our bodies want more and more, so we try to prolong the experience of PMO as much as possible.