THE INTERSTELLAR CHALLENGE !

Day 4 - Farmer for one day more

I have not journaled, read, or showered in two days, so I need to make an effort at that these next several days. I don't mind missing my goals every four or five days, but I really don't want miss my goals two days in a row again. I have a set of ten goals I want to accomplish in a day and when I don't journal (accomplishments/goals, gratitudes/blessings, and fantasy analysis), read, or shower, I am already missing 50% of my goals.

The ten daily goals which I will put here are:

1) Journal about 3 of today's accomplishments (no repeating on a day to day basis) as well as set individual goals for the next day

2) Write in my gratitudes/blessings journal with 3 gratitudes (again unique) as well as 3 blessing I wish to give to people or things in life

3) Fantasy analysis journal

4) Shower

5) Read from a physical book

6) Practice Spanish

7) Practice German

8) Wake up at 5AM

9) Bed by 10PM (whether or not I am sleeping I need to be in bed with my devices shut down at 8PM)

10) Write for 15 minutes

Tuesday I met 60% of my goals

Wednesday I met 10% and Thursday I met 20%

I did not get up at 5AM today, but I hope to get 60% overall today.

NNN is going excellently. I have had a couple times where I was watching tv or YouTube and I saw something "sexy", but I just moved on and did not continue to look (no nudity, just bikini'd women or otherwise attractive women). I also have had really hard erections a couple times that I would have relieved with masturbation in the past, but now I just breathe to lower my blood pressure and they go away naturally. I know I will see something triggering at some point, which is why the fantasy journal is so important. If I know why I am triggered, then I can deal with the underlying stressor instead of giving in.

Hope all of your days are going well. Good to have you back @Henryforward

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 6 no P

Day 1.875 no MO - Farmer

Nuff said

I have not been meeting my goals for a few days. However, that changes tonight. I intend to shower, read and journal in my three journals tonight. The reason I MO'd has a lot to do with a conversation with my therapist. We discussed my addiction, and he said that MO on its own is not bad as long as it is not interrupting my daily life and goals. I see where he is coming from and until with P I am not a compulsive masturbator. I have had a stunted sexuality due to my pornography use and I have completely associated MO with P which he thinks is unhealthy. I am inclined to agree, though it does lead to a conundrum. This challenge requires abstinence from from MO and P. There is no way to complete the challenge if you MO even on occasion, and while I am not morally opposed to MO, and think it can be healthy on occasion, I want to participate in the challenge. My therapist has known me for almost a decade and a half, and he knows my issues with my sexuality better than most, and I trust him more that all of you (no offense). So, with that said, my main think I get out of these challenges is not the motivation to "win" the challenge, but rather seeing everyone's posts. I would like to have complete control over my sexuality (both in a positive way, but also in a non-MO way, though I don't know if that has to do with my issues with some things that happened when I was 14, or if I am morally opposed to MO). So, that leads to this statement. I like posting about my journey to becoming free on here, and I like reading about all of your journeys too, so if it is okay with @hoping_cannon, I would like to continue posting and participating, even if my journey with no P is what I am focused on. I will not talk about MO at all, even if I do it. You will be able to see my counter, and if I make it say 5 then 10 and so forth, no MO, I will update my rank, but I want more importantly the community. I do not intend to just go out of my way to MO of course, but it feels shitty to have to admit I MO'd, when my main reason for being here is for the moral support from you all, as well as to get clean from P and P-subs for the most part. I know that acknowledging I might MO goes against the spirit of the challenge, but I love all of you and reading your journeys as well as sharing my journey. I will not discuss MO at all, my rank will be kept up to date, but I want to keep up to date with everyone because this is a very supportive group. (Honestly it won't change too much as we all reset a lot and my doing this is to reduce shame, though I will be participating, while remaining true to my support team's suggestions).

I know I have rambled, and I am willing to step away if my acknowledgment on MO being a possibility invalidates my being here, but I want to be here, so if I am still welcome, I would like to continue participating. My counter might not increase very quickly, but if I achieve bliss, I will be day 400 in no time.

Anyway, have a great day, all, and keep on keeping on.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 42. 6 full weeks free from PMO!

 

Day 45. Millers Planet

 

Day 0 - Farmer

I have not been on in over a week, and I have been struggling. The last three days in fact have involved in many ways a binge. Wednesday I viewed for two hours before PMOing. Thursday I viewed for half an hour before PMOing, and last night I view for another half an hour before PMOing. My best friend who is knowledgable of my addiction asked how pornography could take up so much time as one would think that it would speed up the coming, but I said that it is much more complicated than that. I don't just view to MO, I can view for hours as I edge until I find something I can release to. It is not just about the orgasm, that is just the end result, and thus, it would probably be quicker to MO without P than it would be to PMO. Because though PMO may lead to more stimulation, the addiction feeds off of not MOing for as long as possible. I don't know if anyone feels the same way, but that is how I view P versus MO. Both take time, but with P, it is not about releasing as fast as possible, but rather holding on as long as possible. Same goes with edging. If we just MO'd straight off without edging or P, we may be better off. I don't know, it is a complicated mess.

In other news, I took my first shower in 4 days, and I fully intend to accomplish my goals today. Back to journaling in my three journals, working on my novel. Reading. Language practice, and bed by 9-10PM.

Anyway, I hope to have a better update tomorrow.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 52. Hope you are all doing well!

 

It's been a while since I last posted. I am on day 7 no P, no MO, so I am a Drone Catcher again @hoping_cannon. I was in the psychiatric hospital for 5 days, which helps stay clean when you cannot have your electronics, and you are checked on every 15 minutes. I had a psychotic break, and I realized I had been experiencing a subtle delusion for a number of months to cope with trauma from childhood as well as stress with finishing undergrad and starting grad school. My mind created two other personalities to cope. I don't dissociate or anything, I am always conscious of them and when I am switching, but I think that pornography helped me deal with a lot of my issues, and I have figured out a way to cope through working on a couple old novels, one of which I started when I was 13-14 years old, and the other which I started a couple years back. I am not going to say the characters names as if I did and I publish, then my anonymity would be gone. However, I picked these personalities from my writings over the years as they were safe. Did not realize I was doing it, but now I am aware and healing. It will take a lot to reintegrate my mind, but I have a wonderful treatment team.

As my mind was cracking these last couple weeks, I spent 5-6 days binging pornography for between half an hour to two hours a day. I failed a homework assignment and an exam, and then I was hospitalized. I also realized that my sexuality is not healthy and my sisters' are not either. They blame our mom for that, but I am not sure.

While in the hospital I was going through "withdrawal" from pornography and I really wanted to masturbate, but we had very little privacy. One time, I started to, but I could not even get to the edge of climax, I could not feel anything. It was as if my penis was not even apart of my body. It was hard, and that was about it. So after a few moments, I gave up, and then they called to let us know the next group was meeting so I relaxed, my horniness went away and I lost my erection. I had both my therapist and you all in my head as I battled whether to MO or not. In the end, I could not even start MO'ing beyond starting to touch myself. One thing I would like to make clear to myself, all of you, and especially my psycho therapist and sex therapist, is that I want to MO on my terms, if I MO at all, and I am not sure if my terms even involve MO. I don't believe in semen retention or any of that, but I do believe that a healthy sexuality for me involves no MO. When I MO, I think about pornography I have seen, and then I crave the "real thing". My therapist does not understand that, but I see him tomorrow, and I will make it clear to him. that while M'ing can be part of a healthy sexuality, I am not sure it is for me. I know my mom would get upset when I was young when she realized I was M'ing in the bathroom. and I think that jaded me away from MO, however, I also believe that once I deal with the trauma from childhood around sexuality, I may not be interested in MO.

While I promised not to talk much about MO or even PMO when I returned on November 1st, I realized that I had to clear the air and be honest with you all. I am not morally opposed to MO, I think it is fine for some people, but I am personally opposed to it like many of you and I need to make that clear that if I MO or not, I want it to be my decision, not NoFap's, and especially not my treatment team's.

Anyway, God bless ya'll.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 8
Feeling kinda horny I guess. No desire to view, and some desire to MO, though I realized that I will probably have trouble doing it once I even start, and so I will try some other strategies to relax.

I journaled a little bit last night. Mainly reviewing entries from the hospital and creating a summary to discuss with my therapist. I left all of my other journals and a couple books, at my apartment when I came home from the hospital, so I could only journal in the journal I got in the hospital. I also was able to read a book I have not read in over a decade. Murder with Mirrors was the first Agatha Christie book I ever read, and I figure as a lot of my issues stem from around the age I first read the book, I would try to get into that mindset to help me deal with that trauma.

Anyway, short checkin today.

God Bless you all!
Best,
Mathman1994

 

day 15 - astronaut

 

Day 11 - Finding Coordinates @hoping_cannon

Life is going pretty well. I am caught up on notes for my classes, and still have a day and a half to get ahead on work. One of my best friends had a dream that he had to go on a journey of 52 weeks no sex, masturbation, and any other way of sexually acting out including viewing. He asked me to join him on the journey and as I am not expecting to be sexually active anytime soon, I agreed. My therapist need not know that I am giving up on MO for a year or more. Right now, I cannot even O without P or certain pornographic fantasies, so MO seems pointless at this point anyway.

Left my journals at my apartment when I can home to my parents for Thanksgiving, so I have not been able to work on them, and I have not showered in two days (though I plan to shave and take one tonight). Language practice has been off for a couple days too and I have not gotten out of bed right away since three days ago. However, until last night, I have not been on YouTube, and I only plan to spend Fridays on Youtube, if even that in the future. YouTube has a lot of triggering videos and the clickbait on videos can feature scantily clad women to draw in viewers and that can be triggering, so I avoid YouTube.

My mindset has been so much better since getting out of the hospital, and I believe that though NNN failed about halfway through, I can make it the rest of the way and even stay clean permanently if I do not become complacent.

Anyway, hope you all do well.
Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 60!

 

day 20 - reaching endurence

 

Have not posted since last week, I am realizing. Did not realize it has been 6 days.

I am two weeks clean, and I will be an Astronaut tomorrow

 

Day 1 - Farmer

I am 2 days free from P and 1 day free from MO. I relapsed after half a month which really sucks, and I have not been on the forums in a few days. I guess I felt defeated after my relapse. I wrote for about two hours last night, though I did not accomplish my other goals, and then I played my switch until 12:30AM. I watched YouTube until 2AM or so, though I fell asleep long before then and woke up to turn it off and go back to sleep. I then slept until 2pm today. Definitely not ideal of course, but I intend to accomplish more of my goals tonight and then get to bed early and up by 6:15AM tomorrow morning so that I can dance, eat breakfast, and head to school by 7:15AM. I will then work on homework and then go to class at 9:30AM. I think my relapse was a blessing in disguise though. I had fallen behind on my life goals, and now I can get back on top of them. It does suck that I could not have better engaged with them on my own, without falling down, but as some have said previously in this challenge, we don't relapse for no reason. There is always a variety of steps that lead to it. Those include not meeting our healthy living goals and then of course failing to engage with our healthy coping skills in the hours leading up to PMO.

So I am on Day 1 and starting over.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Day 0 - Farmer

It seems like every time I go on YouTube in the evening, I PMO soon after. I think I need to quit YouTube for now if not permanently, as it leads to nothing good. There are some economics videos I like to watch, but if I do that, that is all I can do. I need to avoid binging as a pornography addiction is basically a dopamine addiction and a hit from YouTube is similar to a hit from PMO, though it may be in lower doses. So no YouTube (unless it is early in the day and no binging).

I am feeling a little depressed as I finish my classes this semester and wrap up work for a month. I met this really nice woman from India and a couple months ago, she actually gave me her number without me asking. I don't know if something will come out of this, but we have plans to hang out over break.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

back to day 3 - farmer