50 days hardmode accomplished, what's next?

My Dear Friend

i find myself failing on this journey,
as of now i haven't relapsed yet, but this things don't
go away, and i feel like i'm starting running out of tricks here,
honestly i chased away like a 100 or 200 of different images in my
head, i know plenty of tricks, but the truth is there's still
liking and seeking pleasure in that form,

but the thought i really don't like to do is to disappoint
you as well as others in the nofap community,

to be honest i don't hate porn, nonetheless,
every time i quit it is see the changes in my life,
and the quality of life as such improved,
and when on hardmode i have the discipline and charisma
like the man i wanted to be,
its the sheer pleasure seeking system that simply gets
its feed at it - pixels on the screen - seeking the satisfaction
that never really gets satisfied, but only seeks more,
you think you are gonna fulfill it this time,
but then after you scratch your itch,
the air puffs out of you,
and you go back to normal -
or should i say a rather low end of normality,
which is quite miserable mediocrity

 

Had Shot 3 times late last night:

1st: about 2hrs to porn
2nd: about 15 min started to porn, but finished without it
3rd: about 3m not touched internet, or porn, had calendar picture
of just a girl not even nude, did't need or sought after porn at that time, not really, there were few flashbacks,
but even to those i did't given much attention.

i feel a bit relieved, and not totally disappointed the way it went, since i basically was walking around erect for like two days, and about 3 hours before offloading i was actively looking for the ways not to go pmo, also before that i actually spent few hours of planning ahead the next month and began considering
my approach and goals for the upcoming 2022, in that i was planing more hardmode streaks, but i was also taking into account a possibility of a relapse and how to handle it.

one thing i decided upon - is that i wouldn't watch pornographic or enticing material within the area of my study or other beneficial practices (aka My Temple) - but that even if that would happen
the act itself would be contained within a specific area and not outside of it. this point was met 100% as of now.

it wasn't blind effort, or accidental relapse, it was quite deliberate, i've been seeing by body starting to break a little after constant workout routines and i just had been seeing the signs for the need of slowing down the pace, and need for recuperation,
also mentally i was just seeing myself getting stagnant and no longer feeling the sensation of joy associated with making rapid progress,

in a way i take the above as falling forward, and i don't actually feel as depressed or agitated or angry as i used to be after the interruption of a streak,

we will see what the next days will bring, i can't be fully trusting my better judgment as of now, but i'd say i have good chance of not making pmo as way of continuous entertainment, next week or so will require a tender attention, and perhaps few stronger pulls away from falling into the black hole of fake signallings, perhaps i'll go out more often, perhaps gonna go back on the hardmode right away, i might let myself stay on the softmode for about a week
if that's what's needed to be applied.

gonna get myself some new nice calendars, its about time to get one anyway...

 

i'm gonna pace myself at it a bit differently, i think i'm gonna take it:

Whatever it takes... [⋯ 7 ⋯ 15 ⋯ 21 ⋯ 70 ⋯ 80 ⋯ 110 ⋯ ]

that's roughly my outline, please don't call me on my math skills though... i'm taking it softmode at the moment, but i look towards an upgrade as i regain confidence in my capacity in reaching the next level attainment on that path.

 

Erased my porn stash yesterday seven times over,
you may ask "why did you even had a porn stash?"
- reasonable enough to ask, i deliberately didn't remove it before,
brain conditioned to look for novelty doesn't care that much for repetition of the old stimuli, and that was a trick that i played
on myself - since i had about 50 gig accumulated stuff in various
categories, i had all i could possibly want in principle,
so i could confidently say to myself that i've already seen it all,
and not be seduced by the thought process trying to justify use
of pmo by the argument of searching for something we never seen before.

I sort of knew i wanted to delete it at some point, but during
that last 50 day streak, maybe i would have peeked while accessing (separate) harddrive and my streak build up would collapse in the process, so i locked that harddrive in the underground, ...
... until the day of "Resurrection" -

Now it is ALL gone.
I symbolically uttered a stanza: "Goodbye Porn"
while kneeling before the monitor, which was displaying
the shredding process of the file folder.

Another Milestone On My Path Had Been Reached!

 

i don't like the success stories in general,
and was reluctant to write my own, and please don't take it the wrong way, its just that .... a true success is a sustained success, not reaching just one peak of performance - so analogy to the athletic world would be - not to just have a great season,
but rather a great career, so true success is a sustained journey,
seeking new heights and exploring your own personal dorky catacombs.
So it does resemble a journal in a way, and i had problem where to start this thread really, i settled for #success, because my ap prompted me to write one some time ago, and as i reached over 50 days (planned for 84...), and i felt as falling down, that's when i wanted to place it here - as often you see the stories of relapses with guys with even triple digits streaks - and those are often filled with bitterness, so my approach was to see it other way around - capture the success moment of recuperation from the moment of reaching the peak of one's own streak, and the process of recovery from the fall - because though it's not as inspiring as autobiographical description of reaching a high streak - its perhaps not as shiny - but perhaps more important one - that is : how to pick yourself back again, once you fall, every journey starts with the first step, but repeated downfalls can be very disheartening, so in fact gaining this initial momentum might be the most heroic effort and not necessary the bespoken peak performance, with waving crowds, salutes, and good vibe all around, but in fact at those initial stages, when you are alone, abandoned, not particularly proud of yourself, and the peak of that mountain is so many miles away, often the most heroic effort is to simply to take the next step forward, after many such steps, we call it WALKING.


but ironically enough collapsed soon after posting, but unless i'd be strongly promted by the mods to move elsewhere - i like to keep it here, with the above mentioned philosophy in mind.

not sure really, being fed up with ongoing repetitive vicious cycle would be one, perhaps second would be good peoples, especially your bros who give you promts up at moments when you become hesitant or doubtful or uncertain, third... don't know.. i guess being quite structured about use of your time helps to both gain the motivation
due to time constraints of reaching your set goals within those constraints(be it day, month, a year), also when you have nicely fitting timeblocks assembled in your schedule, you have little room left for unhealthy, unskillful or degrading activities.. so
when you have an urge - you can always point out on your schedule and say:
"not now precious! - don't yee see we have not time for it now! "

 

i wanted to spend some time being easier on myself
but my ap wouldn't have any of it, (bless him), so i'm back on hardmode track, its so surprising that as soon as you speak out or write down your excuses explicitly - they actually start to loose their appeal, doing things is easy, making excuses is complicated!

 

MY UPDATE:
REcently i become quite very regular with my routines, and now
its like i'm almost not even there in my days sometimes,
i started getting up at 3.30am now, quick shower(cold off course)
do some choirs, go for a walk and then do my meditation - which
now i do about 2 hrs per day, i have my working hours between
morning and evening routines, that involves building things,
design or study/writting ... now i'm going for 45 day streak,
wish me best of luck!

 

THE NEXT TARGET TO HIT:
45-days zeromode within 100-days classicmode

had a wet dream the other day, in terms of nofap its nothing,
but in terms of living up to my standard of brahmachari its as bad as relapse;
so i'm resetting my counter, hardmode is too broad of a cathergory,
so i call it ZEROMODE from now on = that is no kareza no wet dreams,
no M no P no ejaculation day or night, orgasm is possible to have
during workout or icebath, or while learning or building something new,
if by "orgasm" you mean ejaculation, then zeromode simply includes pmo,
but orgasm as an exhilarating experinece in itself is allowed(even welcome!),
that is outside sexual context that is...

so now i'm going with target in mind to get things ongoing perfectly
in terms of sexual abstinence for the next 45 days, after that
the target is to be masturbation free and pornographic content free
for the remaining 55 days - within which wet dreams will be excused,
and dating and sex allowed.

 

here's some compiled useful info to help you along developing your inner journey

BEGINNER
if you'r new here - the way to do it:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/its-not-over-until-i-win-journal.320579/

INTERMEDIATE
Dealing with wet Dreams:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...frequent-any-suggestions.320681/#post-3190925

ADVANCED
for more advanced, who already got their basics sorted:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...secrets-and-methods-here.311825/#post-3043832

THE SCIENCE OF NOFAP
a research thread i'd like to see grow:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/compilation-of-research-and-resource-links.324737/


my poetry can be found in this thread:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...our-own-short-poem.313235/page-6#post-3161702

my dark space:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...he-midst-of-hopelessness.324913/#post-3247834

 

my recent update:

been tempted in moments of boredom, but then i mentally go through
the entire cycle of misery that fapping and porn induces as a byproduct,
and then become a bit disenchanted with it, the somewhat more subtle benefits
that i've been observing lately are: better eye contact/nonverbal communication,
also much better spoken communication with utility of fewer words, its like the reversal of
the proverb: "who you are speaks to me so loudly i can't hear a word you say",
i'm starting to observe that as my bodily language becomes more resonant,
in economy of my words more is being delivered...

also my confidence for chatting up girls not just improved, but happens almost unintended,
its like becoming my natural biome, i just flow within it without much struggle,
even though its not my major aim at the moment.

 

Final Update?


not sure, but i'm just not feeling i'm gettin much out of being here,
neither i feel like i'm contributing much to others in a meaningfull way,

had a hookup with a girl and practiced kareza,
only few time so far, maybe that's a way to go, i never thought
i could get that type of satisfaction without actually discharging,
my energy is not as crazy as pure hardmode, but i feel good, gonna have another
date with her next week, its still a struggle, and a little awkward,
but now i see the light ahead.
i haven't been active much recently here, i kinda quit nofap, (details here)
but i might check in in some month or so and then maybe in 2 month
..3 ...6 ... who knows?

i've been doing well, wish yee all relentless persistence of yee journey.