Trying to become human (Journal)

Day 19
Finally I have successfully beaten my longest streak by the grace of God. Today i meditated for 15 mins and the rest of the day was usual. As of now i am not experiencing any sexual urge to watch porn or masturbate but i am sure if i stay awake late I'll definately experience them and i don't want that so I'll try to sleep. I hope whoever reading this doing fine in their nofap journey. More power to all fellow warriors.

 

Well I am not able to sleep and guess what my evil mind is saying to me that now that you have beaten your longest streak now you can watch porn and it is telling me to watch it once in a month but no I can't this can't go anymore. I am experiencing really strong urges and i am trying my best to resist them.

 

I just watched a podcast on YouTube and draw a sketch to distract myself from the urges. Now the urges have become mild and now i can try to sleep. See you tomorrow

 

Finally I have successfully spent the night time without giving in to those strong urges. I feel good inside but there are lot of things that I need to fix. Here are some things on which I need to work on.
- Regular Studying Routine.
- Regular Meditation Routine.
- Regular Workout.
- I am not even bathing everyday, So maintain Hygiene.

I'll try to implement these things from tomorrow. I'll keep you posted with everything I do.

 

Yes friend, i really hope that these urges should fade with the time but i have made up my mind even if urges hit me throughout my whole life I'll always try to fight them, i am not going to make false promises that I'll never relapse because i still don't know how much control i have but one thing is for sure i will fight it till very end. This has taken my 9 years but now I am finally starting to resist the urges and i feel stronger than those urges, i just have to fix few things in my life and then i can say that i am satisfied with each and every day, i feel that if i could beat this habit i can achieve anything in this world

 

I am not going to lie guys but i really want to watch porn but i somehow am resisting myself. I don't know how long i can go with this streak.

 

There is no trigger at this point that has created this urge the reason of this urge is that while i am doing this nofap journey i have a desire in my mind that i will get to watch porn sometime and that is creating the urge inside, because i have done it for 8 years it is very difficult and different at the same time for the mind to pass the day without pornography that's why my mind is in hope that someday I'll get to watch porn again and these thoughts only come in night at day time I don't experience a slightest urge to watch porn maybe because i am living with my family and at night it's only me and my room and my phone. I'll resist this urge no matter what happens.

 

THE WARRIOR WILL LIVE WHETHER URGES LIVE OR NOT.

 

Day 20
As i am writing, strong urges are hitting me and my mind really want to watch porn and masturbate, I genuinely don't know how long this urges will be there. I don't think I'll last today. But i also don't want to give in and also want to watch it. It's like clash between to sides.

 

Urges have become mild as i watched a video regarding porn side effects. Now I'll try to sleep. See you tomorrow on day 21.

 

Finally the night is gone, i successfully resisted the urges, i am happy that i didn't gave in. I hope you all are doing great in your respective journeys.

 

Yes friend fortunately I was able to resist the urges last night, and i hope so that after reboot these urges fade. The main problem occurs at night, in some part of my mind there is a voice which is telling me to open the porn website and get back to that hell, then there is one voice which is telling me not give in yet. I don't know who will win in this battle but i am definitely backing the warrior in this one.

 

I'll try to sleep early before the urges come so that i could pass this day, right now I'll just massage my hair and then I'll watch my lecture so that my mind could get exhaust in that. I have to sleep before 12 so that i could avoid those urges. Mostly the urges hit after 12 am, because i am alone in my room and my room is locked and then it is the night time, it signals the mind and remind it of the environment of that porn routine.
Anyways I'll definately try to sleep by 12 am.

 

Okay guys, i don't experience any urge as of now and it is the right time to try to sleep. My 21 days will be completed after few minutes so that's a good thing for me. I'll see you guys tomorrow.
May god bless you all with great willpower and courage.

 

I am trying to sleep but because i don't do anything productive in the day it made me feel bad, really bad. Why can't I do normal things like studying in my daytime it's like my mind is afraid of books. I am on day 21 and i am not doing this nofap challenge for the benefits it offer i am doing this for my own sanity, i find peace when I think about me not contributing to that evil. Even if you want see benefits of nofap you have to convert that sexual energy into your actions but i am not doing that too. These thoughts are making me feel bad and i am not able to sleep. Sometimes I think about that moment when I first visited that porn website and i wish that if there was a time machine i could stop myself from falling into that deep trap. But all that is my imagination at last what you have is "now". You can learn from your past and you can implement that thing in your present but why is it so difficult for me to do this. I think i have finally arrived at the answer, the answer is that i am not even trying to study if i want a glass of water and if nobody is in the house i have to get up and get that water bottle to drink from that, it is not going to fly to me. I wasn't even trying to study this whole time i was taking things for granted which was a mistake. It made me a lier, a procrastinater.

 

Whoever is reading this, plz listen to me friend you have to TRY to achieve whatever you want. It's never going to come to you by itself. Please atleast give it your 100% so that you won't regret later for not making effort.

 

Day 21
I woke up at 7 am then i had my breakfast. At noon i went to get a haircut. Then i came back and had my lunch, then after 2 hrs, i started my workout it gets over in 1 hr. Rest of the day was usual. But at night I was experiencing strong urges and my mind was giving me excuses to relapse but i resisted. I don't know how long this streak will go. I hope you all are doing good in your respective journey.

More power to everyone

 

I want to share something with you guys, tomorrow night the urges were so strong that my mind was telling that all this nofap is pointless and i should just watch porn, the situation was that the urges were hitting me and at the same time i was confused about what to do. I was at my bed and all these thoughts really frustrated me and then i put my phone on my side and i went to sleep. This is how I spent/escape the night. Fortunately I got tired after these thinking and frustration inside my head which led me to sleep