How wives can help

Thank you everyone for your input. My husband and I have talked extensively about both of our issues and what our shared and individual goals are and are very much on the same page. Like it has been the main topic of conversation for us since I discovered his addiction. He actually also views it as infidelity, has always felt guilt and shame and would much rather give that part of himself to me, he could just never get it under control and it sort of spiraled over time. I did not express that I felt it was like cheating until he told me he himself felt that way - I didn't want to add to the guilt by sounding accusatory. There has definitely been a learning curve to see what would work best for his recovery, but I think we're there now. He thought giving up porn was going to be enough, but ended up doing MO every day to pictures and videos of me that I sent in an uneducated attempt to help him. I thought giving him something else to look at would help, but it turns out it was just his replacement for PMO which we decided was not going to be helpful to his recovery. I mean, at least he wasn't using porn, but we both felt it would have long term detrimental effects. So he deleted all of that content along with most of his social media since that is also a trigger to want to MO and is now abstaining from MO altogether. It has actually significantly reduced his urges to PMO to pretty much none. If he has urges to MO, it's usually because he is craving interaction with me and the urges he does have don't drive him online.

We have also rekindled our intimacy in non sexual ways. We are much more affectionate and seem to have found a deeper connection than we've ever had. This has helped his recovery immensely as well. He is much more respectful of my boundaries too. He used to always lead any acts of affection to groping which is why I distanced myself. His lack of self control made my trust and other psychological issues significantly worse and hindered my progress. I have received help for my issues by means of counseling and have been able to change my perspective in a constructive way. Having this intimacy even if it doesn't lead anywhere has in and of itself made a huge difference for both of our recoveries. When he felt that wasn't a possibility and would never happen it made it harder for him, but now he cherishes this connection too much to jeopardize it. He also knows that I'm willing to help where I can. If that means talking him out of a relapse if he has a strong urge (he knows he can call any time if he thinks he needs support), being more intimate in our overall relationship, or even a sexual encounter (as long as I'm not forcing myself to for his sake alone since that would be damaging for my issues, but that hasn't been the case yet). Even knowing that sex is on the table now, even if it isn't every time he feels he wants it, has helped him. He knows I'm here to help in any healthy way I can.

He also knows he can come to me to talk about anything during recovery. I have made it clear that although I have my own emotional struggles, I do understand relapses are highly likely to happen and will be forgiving and caring when they do. It is him who is determined to not slip up at all, to prove to himself he can not to please me. He has set his own goals, not me, and I think his standards are even higher than the ones I would have set for him myself if I'm being honest. All of the measures we have set in place have been at his request.

I think we are in a very good place now and working together on both of our issues has helped both of us. And being more open about what used to be the elephant in the room has also been very helpful. If we feel down the road that combined counseling would be beneficial, we will certainly consider it. For now though, we feel like our marriage and relationship are the strongest they have ever been.

 

How often is it "healthy" to offer relief? I have made it clear I am very available and he is getting better at telling me he needs some relief. We have been quite active on the past few weeks. However, if we do that daily then is that really helping anything? It's still allowing his brain to get that "fix". He's even felt the need like a few hours after I've helped him get some relief. Sometimes he can go 5 days and other times the urges for release are bad again the same day. So at what point is it doing more harm than good? How often can we do that without it becoming a replacement for his former daily activities?

Also, I'll try not to be too graphic, but since penetration still isn't a possibility yet, he can only O when it's oral or by MOing with me doing things to help it along (while focused on me and the real world experience only of course). Is this okay or will this cause long term issues with recovery? It will unfortunately likely take several months before I can reach a point where penetration is physically possible. I don't want to do something for that length of time if it's going to affect his recovery. We discovered daily MO was equally a problem even when he gave the porn up. Should we avoid doing it altogether even if I'm involved?

 

How long should he hard mode for? Could it be a temporary amount of time or would it need to be until I'm able to engage fully to be most beneficial? We've recently found this intimate connection and I don't want to lose it. We've had lots of times we've been intimate without any release, but I would think doing that too often would be a struggle for him and likely make things a lot more difficult with stronger urges.

 

Is fantasizing about a real life woman and having real life encounters not helpful to rewire his brain from pmo though? It was my understanding that would help him refocus to real life, strengthen natural neural pathways, and aid in recovery.

I'm also not sure how we are to be intimate without being able to even be naked in the same room or touch each other. Even just cuddling or holding hands can turn him on sometimes. It of course doesn't mean it always needs to lead somewhere, more often than not it doesn't, but this would mean any contact would be considered sexual stimuli. We've spent the last 10 years feeling more like roommates (which also greatly escalated his addiction), I don't want to lose the connection and comfort level we currently have with each other for both of our sakes. I think he would be much more likely to struggle with relapses. He hasn't even thought about looking at porn let alone been tempted to in 2 weeks. What he craves is time alone with me. I obviously don't want to hinder his recovery in any way, but being conformable with less intense forms of intimacy (being naked in the same room or while cuddling, holding hands, close contact, kissing) is actually really important in my progress with my own issues. We can hold out until after the 90 days to have sexual encounters of it will help, but I'm not sure how practical such a hard reboot would be in our situation.

 

To be fair, my husband has never rejected my advances, he's always been happy to recieve any and all attention I'm willing to offer. My own sexual issues have held me back from being available. And the fact that he did not respect my limitations and boundaries before. We couldn't even cuddle without him groping me before so I withdrew entirely since it was negatively affecting my recovery and having a very bad affect on my trust issues (my choice technically, but his actions were at fault as well). He is now very respectful, stops if I ask him to, and never expects anything to lead anywhere unless I am clear I would like it to. He usually asks before touching me in any intimate way to be sure I feel up to it. He's really bad at reading female signals so I have to be pretty blunt if I'm feeling in the mood. I am not making myself available whenever he wants, only when we both feel up to it. I have however been able to reintroduce non sexual forms of intimacy now that he has learned to be more respectful and that has helped immensely. He appreciates any physical contact and close proximity I can offer regardless of if it leads anywhere. He is still struggling without daily MO and we know that's something he will gradually work on during recovery, but he actually hasn't been tempted to look at porn at all for several weeks. He came close to a relapse the other day, but was tempted to do so using only memories and thoughts of the two of us, not using outside stimuli.

I think one of our biggest struggles was the fact that I still am not physically capable of penetrative sex. Bringing him to climax is very difficult without him MOing with me (death grip makes it difficult for me to be the one to get him there) so I hadn't been sure how healthy that would be in his recovery.