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Interesting Article on Approaching

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Reborn16, Dec 10, 2021.

  1. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Found this blog on approaching women. Interesting read but it's from 2010.

    Key takeaways I got:

    - Good mindset and energy are necessary before even trying to approach.

    I'm guilty of this. Approaching women when I wasn't happy with my life and was just lonely. Seemed to make it worse. And when I'm living my purpose more, there's much less internal resistance, and I think women pick up when we feel better about ourselves.

    Also can't help but think of avoiding PMO when hearing about how women sense our energy!

    - Stumbling over words is fine. You want to some across as authentic, not a practiced professional pick up artist.

    Agree here too. Personally I've forgotten what I was going to say or asked a stupid question and they laugh it off if they're into you. One thing you don't want to forget though is their name lol!

    - Compliments on her appearance are a mistake.

    I'm not sure about this one. I think it's good to be direct and during the daytime to simply say "I thought you looked cute / or have a cute style". But I can also understand some women would be put off, wondering if you're too focused on her looks. I'm 50/50 on this one.

    What do you guys/girls think?

    Is this outdated at all?

    Any experiences to support or counter the ideas in the article?

    Link: Confessions On How Women Want Men To Approach Them (waytoosocial.com)
     
    silex_jedi likes this.
  2. Roffelaar

    Roffelaar Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this article. Must say I haven't approached girls for 18 months now, because I got a girlfriend now. But, when I did it really is not all rocket science.

    The mindset and energy are very important. You want to approach a girl with a smile. You reflect your energy onto another person. If you are happy another person will get happy being around you. This is highly attractive. Also, I had most success with a bit of a 'fooling around' mindset. Like saying to a girl you are a 'professional penguin tamer' and then you explain them in full detail how that profession works with a dead straight face. And then you end it with you learning penguins to jump through a burning circle etc. and then mix it with some normal serious conversations as well. Balance is key

    Even at my best days during the cold approach streak I would stumble over words. But I had so much confidence that it didn't bother me at all and it really still is about the energy. if you stumble over words with strong positive energy the woman wouldn't even notice you are stumbling.

    And I would not really say that making a compliment about her appearance is a mistake. So I agree with you on this one. Same with the examples you said they are totally fine, but only do it once and don't keep giving her compliments like that. but a simple ''I thought you looked cute so I wanted to say hi'' is something that works. Also, because you let the woman show what you intentions are straight away. Most men are too afraid to show their intentions and the women are just confused by what the actual fuck the guy wants from them.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  3. The first 2 points are very true

    the last one is bullshit. I almost always make direct compliments :)
     
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  4. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Great insights here!

    I'm going to be more mindful of the energy thing from now on. Some days I've been on top of the world, and that's when I have had a confident approach. Today I wanted to go out and meet girls, but I just felt lazy and lonely, did other stuff instead and think I've probably avoided a feeling of frustration because of that. The worst is when I go out intending to approach, walk around and do nothing!

    Very interesting what you say about having that fun side fooling around. I probably approach a bit too seriously, trying to get to know them, but not throwing in enough humour. Agreed it's a balance too. You get a feel for it and see if you even both have the same sense of humour.

    Yes to compliments I think too. I haven't approached many times, but when there's a compliment I can almost see the girl process in her head "okay this guy isn't asking for directions or trying to sell something, this is attraction". Other times I've really felt like I made a girl uncomfortable by starting with small talk and trying to just continue on that line...
     
  5. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Is really important. When you go from a place of a happy life, proud of yourself, seen you like a catch and confident in your own skin, yes this make it a lot easier.

    Is not, shows that you are nervous. That you are afraid of the outcome, that you are not confident. Woman can pick up on that.

    Do it only if it comes from your hart, no to gain point with her because you are just not going to get any points by complimenting her, she has been complimented since she was born.

    The most important thing is if she is attracted to you.. if she is you can be in a negative mindset, you can stumble with your words and you can fill her with unnecessary compliment and you can still can get away with it. But if she is not into you, then no matter if you are in a great mindset, have perfect speach and your game is tigth, she is just not into you and is not going to give you the time a day, no matter what you say or do.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  6. zeke27

    zeke27 Fapstronaut

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    Do you think guys is a good idea to compliment her on characteristics according to her traits (mindset, cleverness, bold, cunning, intelligent, etc).
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  7. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    This last paragraph is absolute truth. Attraction is not a choice and a woman decides within 5 minutes of meeting a man whether she'd sleep with him or not. "Putting in work" to turn a woman who isn't into you from the start is a fool's game. At best, you will achieve the friendzone and at the opportunity cost of meeting someone who is really into you. This is why being able to pick up signs of attraction, outcome independence, and abundance mentality are crucial. She's not into you and you can tell it? Fine. Say a courteous goodbye, brush it off, and don't give her a second thought or glance. You took your shot and it wasn't meant to be. There's another one coming.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  8. It is Finished

    It is Finished Fapstronaut

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    Authentic would not stumble over words. It means you’re too invested in the outcome, like someone already said. Also means you probably aren’t retaining, so you have no cool calm masculine energy.
    No it’s not good. She already knows you find her attractive if you’re trying to get her number. There’s no need to compliment her appearance, it just makes you look typical and having nothing else to say. You can get away with it if she’s interested enough but it’s not a good thing. She doesn’t need to be validated any further. The fact that you’re approaching her is enough validation for her.

    My advice to you is to stop with this cold approach bullshit. Join a gym, a club, a job, something where you can meet girls naturally. This is the best way to meet women by far.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  9. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    That's interesting. I think you have to put a bit of investment forward at the start. Too many speech errors could put off most girls. But I think a conversation that's not flawless shows you didn't plan it word for word, and that she's had an effect on you.

    I don't know if compliments are that bad surely? Some girls don't have an oversupply of validation and normally feel insecure not thinking they're attractive. And I think it can also put you out there, showing you're willing to speak your mind and be vulnerable, like it or not.

    Regarding meeting women in other areas:
    - Gym girls seemed to have their walls up, that's the vibe I got at least
    - A club can be limited, only so many girls, many taken
    - Volunteering, again limited and over 3 years volunteering for a big charity I only met a few girls in my demographic

    Work can be a good one, and I'll add dance classes are great too in my experience. But why limit yourself?

    Sometimes you just see a great girl at the shops or market. She might not be compatible or into us, but on the flipside she could be a great match. Why shouldn't we approach?

    Not saying one has to be right or wrong, just keen to hear pros and cons for all these ideas!
     
    Spirituss likes this.
  10. This is very true. It's even a gift you're giving her. The more empty your head is when you talk to her, the more pleasant it will be for her.
    To be authentic, it is necessary to take action before thinking.

    The thing is that trying to be original is already a form of lack of self-confidence.
    The truth is that when you see a girl you think is pretty, most of the time you won't have anything else to say to her except that you think she's pretty. And that's totally okay.

    Trying to be original to a girl you don't know is very low value on top of that. You don't know her and you're already trying to make things work out for the best.
    I think 95% of the women I approach, I don't know in advance what I'm going to tell them. And what comes out most often is a compliment. Because it's natural for me to give a compliment when I approach her. You're giving something instead of trying to take. she's flattered, and on top of that she already knows why you're there. You lay the groundwork for the interaction and then you can go on to whatever you want.

    I think too many guys try to intellectualize everything before approaching a woman.

    My mentality is 0 regrets. And to have 0 regrets, honesty, authenticity, no ego and expectation, intention and kindness are essential for me.

    Trying to be perfect and intellectualizing everything is more a source of suffering than anything else.
    Honestly the real strength is not controlling anything, and taking action anyway. It's a form of courage and self love. And accepting to be imperfect.

    The more you accept the negative, the more you will take action, the freer you will be.
    The more you try to be perfect, have expectations and control what the girl may think of you, the more you will suffer. It's as simple as that.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  11. It is Finished

    It is Finished Fapstronaut

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    There’s a difference between that, and actively going out looking for women to approach. You will walk around with a desperate energy if you do this and girls will notice. You should never have your head on a swivel, going out just for the sake of finding women. This is simply beta male behaviour, a man with no purpose.
    It shows that you are submissive. You’re willing to worship her feet, is what it shows. By doing so you’ve already given her a higher position in the interaction. It comes off as manipulative anyways.

    Gym is one of the best places to meet women. You have to learn to pay attention to women who are showing you signs of interest. Like purposely putting themselves near you all the time, giving you looks etc. Never wear head phones in the gym if you want to be open to interaction with women.
     
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  12. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    So you go in without an overall plan, leave the ego and expectations out, but still give a compliment often to set the tone of the conversation? Sounds like a good mindset I think!

    I definitely used to apply too many rules and was over intellectualising everything. Agreed it's good to let go of control a bit, lately I've tried to adopt general advice from the 'Models' book on dating, 'power in vulnerability' and just taking action without being too invested in the outcome.
     
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  13. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    I see, yes when you put it that way I agree. Going out for an afternoon just to approach can often set you up for failure (not to say it can't work, but it seems better in my experience to do this opportunistically while on your purpose).

    I see how giving a compliment you put her up higher, but as I understand, these types of interactions are about firstly showing you're honestly interested (as opposed to avoiding admitting it with small talk like asking for directions), and then you want to slowly convince her to be more invested in you through a few minutes of conversation.

    I also don't get how giving a compliment could be manipulative? For this topic, I'm looking into authentic interactions rather than the infamous 'pick up' routines. I try to only give compliments when genuine, and only approach when I'm really interested to know her.

    I'm not sure when I'll be back in a gym (thanks covid) but I will remember your advice for that environment. It seemed a bit closed off to me, people in their own bubbles, but there were some women who would do an exercise right opposite, and if that was a signal it probably went over my head at the time lol.
     
  14. It is Finished

    It is Finished Fapstronaut

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    I don’t know who told you that. There are no rules. You keep saying authentic interaction and then want to conform to a certain process. I think you need to learn how to talk to people in general. Talk with the cashiers at stores. Talk with random people in public, in a natural way. When you’re on semen retention, this becomes pretty effortless. When you have that ability, then going one step further to ask for a number isn’t that big of a deal.
    Because.. the moment you say “I think you’re cute” “you’re beautiful” whatever, she’s thinking oh ok this guy wants my number. You take away any build up and leave her no opportunity to hope that you ask for her number. It’s not the worst thing in the world, I used to do it all the time and it usually worked fine. I just don’t do it anymore cuz I’ve learned it’s not the best way to go about it. It’s kind of childish man.
    All depends how attractive you are. Women will act closed off if they’re not attracted to you, and the opposite if they are.
     
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  15. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    It's good to hear a different perspective. I got most of my ideas on this from a book called 'Models' on dating. I'm paraphrasing quite a bit, but it's generally centred around 'authentic interactions'. So it's become a bit of a catch phrase for me. In short it's the opposite of pick up tricks which are based in manipulation/acting I guess.

    I agree general chats with strangers is great practice. I'm inexperienced with approaching, but I can generally chat with most people no worries (not talking myself up, I honestly used to have severe anxiety, now it's just the flirting part I struggle with).

    For example I think the best 'flirt' I had wasn't really an approach, I was in a shop looking for an item and the girl helping just happened to be attractive and up for a real chat, 5 mins later I asked for the number and got it, and there were no compliments just jokes and stories both ways.

    I can see how compliments out of the blue might seem immature. Again limited experience, but I've seen one girl almost recoil from shock, and another light up with interest and stay on for a long chat. Probably like you say just depends if they find us attractive lol!

    I think this brings in a paradox though:

    I don't usually have a reason to chat to girls randomly. I mean, I might not need directions, or a shop recommendation. So to put myself in those social situations that might hopefully lead to a connection might feel forced as well.

    Maybe I'm over thinking it? Maybe the best thing is to make natural conversation about things like the weather or topics of triangulation like what they think of a busker or poster for an event?

    Sorry I'm posting a lot - but I know a lot of people struggle with this - I appreciate all the comments :emoji_thumbsup:
     
  16. It is Finished

    It is Finished Fapstronaut

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    Natural conversation involves whatever scenarios and environments you find yourself in with that person. It has nothing to do with having a “reason” to talk to people. That is always the best way to open with a girl you want to approach.
     
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  17. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, I think I've been focusing on it too much. I read more articles on the subject, and comments below the articles, altogether read so many contradicting theories and advice to "do this" or "never do that".

    One thing that did stand out, many women commenting how a few rare occasions of men saying really inappropriate things put them off any approach/flirting in public - though they still encouraged men to do it if they were respectful.

    Just going to forget about the theories for now and talk to people more!
     
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